Walked out on therapy tonight. She was horrible. She threatened me///she said that since i used to self harm when younger she could go to court and get my kids taken away. I am livid she also said that people don't change. I am sooooooooo pissed beyond words///Of course H took it as me being in denial about getting divorced....ughhhhhhhh
Some backstory please! How/why was this brought up? There should never be conflict with the therapist! That's not helpful for anyone.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
She was talking to me about what i wanted out of therapy and how it is too much to ask for 20 sessions. She then proceeded to ask him if he wanted to still come..he said his mind was set blah blah blah and she rolled her eyes at me and said..look he isn't going to change his mind and you aren't going to change either. It is inevitable that you will get divorced. I looked at her and i said Thank you I am not in denial but I cannot have you be our therapist anymore. I leave feeling worse. We are here to solve communication issues for our coparenting. I feel belittled and attacked and your negativity is unwarranted. She then said well I don't take notes that can get you in trouble here. If i did and wrote about the cutting...you could have your kids taken away....ummm that was years ago and is no issue now. I told her that i did my homework and three years out of school does not give her the experience to be the way she is and told her to please not to do this to people who come seeking help. and people do change..the old me would have sat here and not said anything...the new me speaks up for herself. With that i left
sorry those are the bullet points....she made me feel bad for responding to some of H's allegations. She implied i talk too much but since she was courteous enough not to interrupt H she did not stop me.....ummm you are the therapist...we are there to learn communication by all means stop me redirect me...help me communicate..not this bull
Wow.....she was incompetent. Just the sheer lunacy of a therapist saying people can't change....if so, what possible point would there be in going to a therapist????????
Well, sadly, this was a bust as she obviously would not be the person to pick up on your Hs serious mental health issues. And you already knew going in that it wasn't likely to save your marriage (WASs just go through the motions to say they tried, I've never seen one meaningfully participate in marriage counseling once they've reached the WAS point).
Now obviously this woman was a complete incompetent so don't take my next question the wrong way. But ask yourself this: can you identify any other factors that contributed to this going south so badly in counseling? Examples: is your H just so charming and manipulative that he convinced her he was fine and the problem was all you? Were you so emotional and distraught in the sessions that she wrote you off as a hysterical woman? Do you have any other areas of your life or other relationships where people suggest your behavior is off putting?
I just ask these questions so that you can figure out for yourself what you need to work on, whether it's learning to avoid gaslighting by your H, or finding ways to calm yourself so you don't appear hysterical to a judge, or improving your own interpersonal skills.
BTW I think what you said to the therapist was perfect.
Now you may need to think how to use Aikido techniques to deal with coparenting issues in the future. Aikido involves using the momentum of the attacker to throw them off balance. Emotional Aikido means using techniques to convince H that good behavior is in his best interest. One way to throw him off balance would be to hurry up the divorce process yourself. Drop anything that looks like resistance and start agreeing with him that the marriage is over.
Keep communications about kid issues calm, unemotional and in writing. Use pleasantries and positive re-enforcement.
Btw did you pick this therapist or did he? If someone referred you, you need to let them know she's not qualified.
Sorry I took a day off yesterday and took my boys to the zoo. We fed the giraffes It was great... Here is the thing my husband is so numb to any emotion . He is stoic. I on the other hand as a ball of emotions with no poker face. He hired her and he told her it was only to get me to sign the divorce papers. You know here is the thing..I love who he was not who he is..I am moving on in that aspect but I need his ptsd addressed before i sign the divorce. I need to make sure my boys are safe...and you know what?! I need it for me ...for validation. I have been on eggshells made out to be the bad person. When the last half of 2014 I was in bed crying myself to sleep..he was just so cold..He makes me out to be a lunatic...and i play right into it. He knows how to trigger my fears and needs. I am working on this with my own private therapist
Me standing up for myself with the therapist is a huge change for me. My therapist is urging me to file a grievance against her..what she did was unethical
I felt like she was mocking me for being on meds..she said obviously you are not on the right ones. I said it is an adjustment process to get on the correct dose
It was great...