Ups and Downs (III)

[Zues126]

I'm at a down again..haven't slept and of course right before I'm going away.

Sorry J.

Sometimes i feel like I'm self sabatoging. Or maybe deep down I don't want this relationship either. Maybe I never did and was just pushing husband away in past cause I didn't have guts to end things back then.

The same way I don't like diagnosing WAS's I don't subscribe to the sour grapes thinking. The loss is what it is, more monumental than anything I can depict. Yes, that stinks, but it is what it is. If you kid yourself about the size of the loss you won't take the right actions to stand for your M.

All I was asking him for was 3 extra hours though. And it escalated. And he takes and sees them less then most. I have done favors for him in past. Maybe he was sabatoging too though. Maybe he knew I would react and I did.

Reread my post on power. This "All I was asking" stuff isn't the issue. You can ask. But you can't expect him to behave how you want. And it didn't 'just escalate'. It's how YOU reacted when he didn't do what you asked that escalated things.

I'm not saying he was being a great guy at the moment, or that he didn't stir the pot as well, but I'm not talking to him, you're here with us, and it doesn't do you any good to act like this relationship is just cursed and has no chance because God didn't want you to be married. It's funny you go right back to the same 'maybe it wasn't meant to be' stuff that would infuriate you when WAH says it about why he left.

There really is no chance for us. Not at this point.

Really? We go here now?

I am point keeping because I need to know it's not all me. I often feel like it is.

Let me ask one question...what would it mean if it was all you? What if it is your fault? Why would that be the end of the world?

I'm not saying it is.

But if it was, wouldn't that mean you could change the dynamic of your interactions, and could potentially save your M, and have the M you wanted? What is so horrible about that?

To me the sad thing would be if you were doing everything awesome and were cursed by God to be lonely, miserable, misunderstood, and rejected forever. I don't think that's what is in store for you.



Look, I get why you're feeling absolutely low today. I get it. And if you need to spin a little today to get through the pain by telling yourself it is over, it was unavoidable, and you didn't want it anyway, hey, get through the pain. Just realize that's what your brain is doing, it's trying to squint and twist things so you don't hurt right now. Which is fine if you don't act on these feelings and thoughts. I mean, if you're curled up in a ball in bed then do what you need to do.

But when it comes to leaving the house, deciding what to do FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, now is when you really decide what you are made of. Can you stick to the road when things get tough? Detach, no expectations, and 180s are critical right now. The more distance you can put between yourself and your expectations and poor behavior, the better you'll feel. Time to regroup and start again. You can do it J.