A New Chapter

[Zues126]

I am a big believer in no dating for one year after the divorce is legally finalized. Not BD, not physical separation, not when you decided you didn't want R. But at a minimum of 1 year after the divorce is finalized.

A lot of stats say that it takes 1 month to recover from divorce for every year together. My IC LAUGHS at that and says that recovering from a divorce is a 3-5 years journey, sometimes longer. Dating before then isn't moving on, it's medicating.

Yes, I'm sure it feels nice to have someone else to comfort you. It feels nice to be high as hell too. What feels nicer is being able to handle reality on reality's terms.

Those are my general beliefs. And for me, personally, they are more conservative. I am in no position to date. I've let go of XW, but I'm not my normal self still. I told my best friend that it's like I'm a computer that has a software scan running in the back ground. I'm only at 80-90% of where I was. I know this because I've gotten feedback from friends that I am not quite as hungry and ambitious as I was, and that I seem a bit more fatigued. I don't bound out of bed to take on the world the way I did when I thought I had a supportive woman rooting me on. I still sort through some baggage. I'm just not completely on my game. Plus, I am still dealing with some finalities of the settlement, I am only now moving into a home that suits my family better, and I am just going to 50/50 custody on 6/1 after 18 months of 4/14. These are major life changes, and I think they deserve my attention. Finally, when my children's world has been flipped upside down, I think it's only fair to them to keep things calm, stable, and make them my priority.

To me this seems absolutely appropriate, and frankly I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone that handled it any differently than this. To me the same people that want to rebound to recover from their R or help them medicate for their hurt feelings, well, those are the same people that I wouldn't trust to stick through an equally difficult time 5-10-15 years down the road in our relationship. I, too, don't want to go through this again, and I don't want to be someone else's rebound, or partner with someone that leads with their emotional neediness.

OK, some of my opinions may be extreme, and generalities don't apply to everyone. But there they are.

V, Painter, take care of yourself and the task at hand. When it comes to addiction my motto is 'you know you're addicted when you have to ask if you have a problem. I don't gamble, I don't have to ask myself if I'm addicted to gambling. I drink a beer monthly or sometimes quarterly, I don't have to ask myself. When you have to wonder if you have a problem, it's too much.' So you want to know when it's time to start dating? When you no longer ask yourself if you're ready because you've come so far you know in your heart there is no question to ask.