He's on match.com

[1gr8dad]

Klassic I hear what you're saying. It's so difficult surrendering control over to the Fates. Yet I feel this is a key lesson of the predicament we find ourselves in. Surrender what you cannot control, and focus on what you can: YOU.

Yes, it sux big time. But the sooner we are able to forget about focusing on the WAS, the sooner we are able to focus on changing ourselves. Gary D. Chapman (in his book hope for the separated) says the MR breakdown is likely due to a breakdown in one or more of the 3 areas:

1) Your relationship with God
2) Your relationship with your Spouse
3) Your relationship with Yourself

Now we can only focus on 1 and 3.

Klassic, one thing is for sure right now. The more you try to pursue him to come back, the further it will drive him away.

For me, I feel any chance of reconciliation will be in the long run. In the mean-time I am letting go of the rope and giving my WAW space to figure out what she needs to figure out while I work on myself and become the best dad I can be.

As far as communication, it will be up to you how to moderate interaction with your Ex and what you feel your boundaries need to be to protect yourself. These may change in time.

When you do communicate make sure you are well versed on 180s and Validation.

As a point of reference here is my instantiation of LRTs since we physically separated:

- Going Dark: I took this with a grain of salt as we still have to communicate about kids and finances. When we do communicate we try to do this mostly over text and e-mail. Right now for me and my mental health (like you) I prefer not to see her or hear her because it sets me back (right now). It's worth noting that the last month of Going dark has not changed anything on her side, she has seemed to go dark herself unless we need to communicate about kids/financials. I feel going dark for me will be good in the short term while I heal from the trauma of separation. At some point I plan on changing it up when I can handle more friendly interactions if only to improve our co-parenting relationship.

- Detachment: IMHO this is key for yourself to move forward. Detachment is the predecessor of acceptance and will be the hardest thing in your current stage. Perhaps using your mom as moderator for now gives you space to heal and reset. When you're ready you should move back to direct text/email communication. Ultimately it's in your children's best interest for the two of you to have a low conflict relationship. This is VERY IMPORTANT. I guess it is really till death do you part, so at some point you will need to at the very least maintain an amicable relationship with him.

- GAL: the partner of detachment. GAL as much as you can. Force feed yourself!


I know at your stage this is all stuff you don't like hearing right now. But trust the process. Cadet tells us that our spouse has given us the GIFT OF TIME. We have to use it wisely.

Good luck, keep posting.