Unsure of what's next

[iwad]

Thank you all! I responded before I checked in here, with a simple "No".

To which H sent, "Are you sure" "I feel sick. I am so sad knowing that you are sad and I am hurting you"

Seeing that you all mentioned that this is just his guilt talking I have not responded to the last texts and have just deleted them. Jeep74 I think it is a guilt check and he has done it before, so my 180 is to not react and not respond.

I have a post it note on my computer with DETACH in large letters - LiM I have read your stich and am so proud how you managed to weather the storm thus far.

Since I can't mind read, as rd500, as pointed out, I need to just acknowledge that nothing he says holds any weight. H is only thinking about him and his own path and I am not joining.

I actually feel better today, accepting that our M is over and it was his choice, not mine. Today I feel like I am becoming more detached and resigned.

[LiM]

There you go! Now you are getting back on track. Its hard. Its a daily battle for me. I have my good days and my bad but I believe in this process. When you are feeling bad and don't know what to do, come here and talk about it with us. We'll help you get through it. You're doing great.

[iwad]

Question

How to handle the guilt? His not mine. Since BD I have not initiated contact, no pressure no pursuing. Yet, he continually reaches out to me every few days, via email, texts, calls, and always with the same message... he feelings guilty.

Today I got two texts, "I'm really sorry I hurt you" "I'm really sad at the idea your hurt". I am not responding, but why the continued contact? why the broken record of, I am sorry I hurt you, sorry you're sad?

Why doesn't he just leave me alone?! He wants the D and I told him I don't and its his decision alone. So then why not just do it, why keep reaching out to me?

I know I can't mind read, but how to handle a guilty WAS and does it mean anything positive (conflicting feelings, etc.)?

[LiM]

I think its because he continues to be conflicted. He should feel guilty. Let him. You need to keep your focus on you. Let him work his way through this mess. It will take him some time. Give him that time and work on yourself while he's sorting it out. He's sorry and he feels bad but WHAT is he going to do about it? You need to see that he is willing to actually do something and that is when you can start to re-engage with him.

[Dawgs]

Sounds like my W to an extent. They want the focus and blame off of them. He wants the D but he doesn't want to be the one shouldering the guilt, therefore by asking and getting the message he wants to hear, he proceeds with a clean conscience so to speak. It's not about hurting you, it's about him not having to be the bad guy.

My W is doing the same thing, in a way, but not as much as yours is. My IC thinks that my W is holding off telling the kids and truly filing because she wants it be seen as me being the bad guy, even though she screwed a married man. Go figure.

There is a motive behind their actions.

[iwad]

Thank you Jeep and LiM, it has been good to hear your advice and your experiences. It has given me greater strength and perspective about what I have to do next.

I have accepted that he is just feeling guilty about his decision and that there is nothing more to it. He was supposed to call me this week and he didn't - instead sent that email and texts.

I have decided that our M is over. It is clear it is hopeless and he has no interest in being with me, just remaining guilt. I will wait for H to file, I went to see a L yesterday to be prepared and I am moving on. It is clear he wants the D, even though he said he didn't, just didn't know what else to do.

There is nothing left to be done. I found this forum to be a warm and helpful place, I genuinely had hope in the beginning that there was a chance, glimmer, that this might turn around. Now I know that is not true.

Hopefully he files soon and I can start to heal and move on with my life. Today hurts because I miss him and wish he would have tried a little harder. I really love my H so I think I will never totally understand why he couldn't stay.

[GWH]

iwad,

I just wanted to stop by, and say that a D does not always mean the end! Could start a new beginning you never know.

[Dawgs]

Iwad,

We are all here for you. Unfortunately we all share your pain, too. GWH is correct, divorce may mean a new relationship between you two, but that's what it will be - a brand new start from the beginning. Someone on here once told me there won't ever be going back to the old R, but a new one is possible. I know that isn't what one wants to hear, but false hope is even worse.

I'm not even sure I'd take a new one with my W at this point. With all the lies and deceit, it's hard to trust again because it will ALWAYS be in the back of one's mind - no matter how enlightened a person thinks they are.

You have the right attitude, and if he decides to return then that's a decision you will have to make. By then you will have moved on and may not want him back - or it may be the best thing ever. I'm afraid it isn't going to get any easier and some days you'll feel like crawling to him and begging. I miss my W at times, and other times I can't stand even talking to her.

One foot in front of the other...

[iwad]

I am so so grateful to LiM, Jeep, and others (GWH).

I really look forward to reading your posts to my stitch. YOu have no idea how much it helps to have someone there to make me feel less insane.

I miss H everyday and after his last texts and cried hard last night and on/off today. I just want to talk to him, I miss my friend and the man I love. I never feel like crawling or begging, I am actually really good with the not reaching out piece.

I have decided however that once D happens I have no interest in starting a new R with H. Once he takes that step then I am out because trust (which has already been an issue in our past as he has cheated) will be unbuildable - and I am okay with this.

My struggle is that he keeps popping up randomly and hurting my healing process - I know DETACH - but its hard to do when H keeps throwing things at me about the R and how sad and hurt he is.

He wants the D, so then why won't he just leave me alone!

[iwad]

Today I am crumbling... H will not know. I don't understand the pain that I feel, the hurt in my chest. And how he does not feel the same, how can it be so unbalanced between us.