My goal is to be more positive in my thinking yet I am consumed with all the negatives of my situation and my husband. And yes, it is being consumed because those thoughts are with me much of the time.
I thought those thoughts were part of me trying to make myself feel better. Let me think of all the bad things he has done to hurt me, so the loss is less. But it actually doesn't help to make me hurt less. I think the thoughts are more of an obsession or addiction.
I had an initial consult with a hypnotherapist a few days ago. It was a great match because she had similar experiences to me (single mom when she was younger, , anxiety, upbringing based on fear and negativity). We had one short session and the rest of the day the thoughts were no where near as prevalent as usual. when playing with my son I was more focused on him as opposed to my thoughts. So I have hope with this. I look forward to next session and to receiving "homework" from her.m
I think me diagnosing husband comes from trying to understand what made him capable of walking away from us. Not just me, but the fatherhood issue troubles me. It's hard to just accept it for this reason more then anything. It's more then a rejection of me, it's a rejection of family and this hurts.
I do frequently look back on the things I did in our relationship. The one thing I never want to be is someone that has no self awareness or lives in denial. I always strive to be honest with myself, especially when it comes to my short comings. I feel much regret and in no way do I want this to be for nothing.
