Don't be a jerk about it. Don't give a sarcastic answer. Oh, and don't make up some flimsy excuse as to why you can't help. Let her know upfront that under the circumstances, you will not be available. The is a fact of life that she needs to see right now.
If she gets mad, don't worry about it. All WW's get mad when they can't manipulate the LBH.
Thanks Sandi, I did as advised and sure enough got a somewhat annoyed sounding email back a bit later in the day. This included telling me to scan invoices that she is half responsible for by the end of the day. She also requested my travel dates next month so she could drive me and the kids to the airport (and have the car for a week). Again I haven't responded as yet. I have no plans to have her take us to the airport, I will just park the car for the week. For the invoices, I certainly wasn't going to do them tonight or tomorrow as I have the kids and not really sure I should at all but am open to opinions..
A friend of mine also called it that W would get annoyed if I said no to her as she called me a slave in my W's life.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/15/1603:38 AM. Reason: fix quote
Sandi, I was also re-reading the 37 rules and had a quick question.
In number 32. Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
You mention they are scared, I'm sure every individual is different but what are they scared of. Is there a fear of loosing the M when they say things like they are so suffocated, contolled, empty, numb etc?
I have also read different threads and posts about Facebook etc, my W has done nothing with her Facebook, not changed marital status, removed pictures, none of this but I had noticed she doesn't 'like' or comment on any of her own families posts, pictures of nieces and nephews etc. I have removed her but not the family and still happy to 'like' their pictures from time to time. It's something I also have done so didn't want to change that part of me, I have been posting more about my own coming and goings and being out and about alone or with my kids since I removed her as a 'friend'. Her family have mentioned from time to time to keep in touch with them but I do keep it limited and don't talk about her or ask about her. Mostly, it is an Uncle that calls once a week or so and keeps me up to date with how the family are.
It still amazes me and I struggle to understand what went wrong for someone to change so drastically. All though, I guess the point is to stop trying to. My W always wanted a house and her own garden, it was a must for her, now she is 'happy' in her small apartment with no garden. She always wanted the kids to have their own rooms, they have to share at her apartment. She wanted to be able to play her music without bothering anyone, now she has neighbours above and below. She wanted her own piano for the last 18 years, I bought her one last October, it sits here in the house.
The reason they are scared is because they are afraid that they are losing what they worked so hard for. There is some shame, which is why they say "how could i do this to someone that i love". That's to protect them from the consequences of their actions.
My WW was emotionally and physically abused and assaulted, as well as sexually assaulted before i met her. She has never dealt with these issues. I pick up on this forum that alot of the WW's and WAH's have all bottled their emotions. They only know how to run.
You need to get her to face her reality, which can be so difficult if they've moved out already. All that you can do is detach and hope that she comes back to you.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Hi DDJ, I have the same issue in that WW has interference as a child in her past that has never been dealt with. Something I encouraged in the early stages of our relationship but never really were. There was a night not long before this were I have scared her even though I didn't do anything. I asked her to talk about it and apologised for whatever I did wrong but she just said she brought the worst out in me. That her going to someone else has brought out the worst in her and therefore since we bring out the worst she quit, gave up, broke (her words). It's hard that she seems to be trusting a group of people that have been in her life for 5 mins as opposed to me who has been ther for a decade. It feels like I am combating a whole group, who she can say anything she wants about me and no doubt they will listen.
Its like they go into a shell, they try to be as happy as possible, but it eventually comes falling down and they feel that they cannot be happy anymore. This happiness, is just a cover for sadness, they then become someone else, someone that hurts and cannot get out of the blur.
This is the email from my WW now...
"I can understand that and honestly, I want to make us work I am just very scared and unsure of where I am and want to be, so please do give me time.
I feel home with you Dustin. I can only but try, what I don’t want tho is for you to give up as I/we are going thru this."
There is hope, but you need to detach.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Just having one of those hard days. I poured my heart and soul into this marriage, moved across the Atlantic twice, both times to places I didn't speak the language, for her. Had to fight for jobs for the last 10 years, having to do anything I could get hold of to bring some money in. For the first time in 10 years I had made a big step forward in my career and I get this. W talks about how I don't know what she has sacrificed for me, yet will never answer if you ask what... I have worked myself to exhaustion building a house, and I wasn't worth her removing one person from our life, wasn't worth her organizing one weekend away for us, even when friends suggested they would help her. So much talk of wanting to love me better, of how she will try and do things but so very rarely did.
What I am trying to save here? Tired of being the responsible one and then having it all resented, tired of being the run that stands when all she has done is run, tired of always being the one to change, having to do things because me trying was never enough, so very tired.
Sorry for venting... My head wants to just move on and leave her but with kids I know I can't. My heart, a lot of the time, wants my family back together because I know it could be great.
