Thank you for your kind words. I am trying my best to be as strong as I can, to detach from my H who I also genuinely believed was my best friend and just to look after myself and my daughter.
I know, having read a whole lot of info, that I can't influence the outcome, that all I can do is focus on myself. This is easier said than done after so long together. It's still the first thought I have each day when I wake (from a maximum 3 hours sleep) when it again dawns that I've lost my H and my life as I knew it.
I am not placing too much focus on the OW, yes I've had the thoughts of how could someone knowingly get involved with someone's H but also appreciate that she did not betray me and our vows and I suspect was given a very different picture of our M than we were actually living.
My H even asked just months before BD to buy me a new engagement ring as the one I had from 19 years ago was now inferior to what we could currently afford. It just seems that he's achieved so much and we were so very fortunate that he had nothing left to achieve and had to run in search of something that would give him that buzz.
I know no one can say whether a PA will last, his lease on the apartment is up at the end of this month and I'm waiting to see if he moves in with the OW when this happens. From her perspective she still lives with her father although I understand he actually lives overseas. I suspect my H is fulfilling almost a father role for her, while in turn, being with a 20 something makes him feel young again.
I just can't believe how someone would throw so much away overnight, he seemed to have just decided he was going to do it and that was it. Has been splashing out on expensive gifts for the OW, far more than he's spending on his own D and obviously has taken her away twice, once spending more than a full month salary on 4 days away. It all just seems a desperate attempt to impress rather than being who he is and attracting someone for the right reasons.
I don't know much more about OW nor do I feel I need to. People have said he'll realise the grass isn't greener but it's been 5 months since he left and almost 8 since BD and apart from the crying to me intermittently, texts or emails from time to time saying how much he cares and how upset he is and sending song lyrics, from the very limited insight I have they're still happy together and forging ahead.
D has told him that she will never have anything to do with OW. His reply to this (on Christmas Day) was to ask what if she had a half brother or sister! It's as though he's incapable of seeing what's right and wrong and what he should/shouldn't be saying to D who had her father walk out just 6 weeks before! We'd also decided, having had D relatively young, that we now enjoyed the freedom we had and the extra finances and I could not imagine him going back to baby stages, he's too selfish with his own wants for one. It just all seems crazy behaviour. Then next thing he's texting D saying that he's not thinking about having a child at all, he's all over the place.
After so long it is total rejection and my self esteem is obviously at an all time low. I can't imagine starting over again and I have such little faith in anyone anymore. Given that this person I gave everything to and did everything for could do this to me how could I ever trust anyone else again? I'd always be looking for an expiry date, I'd never trust anyone or open up fully and I'd sooner be alone and know that whilst this is as good as it gets it's also as bad as it gets.
I don't know if I could get over his betrayal even if he turned around and said this was all a mistake (which I see no sign on). H is VERY stubborn and he would sooner stay unhappy than admit he's made a mistake. What I do know however is that there is so much unfinished business that neither of us will be able to shake this off, there will always be what ifs, guilt and regret (he's recently said this himself) yet seems to think it's too late to consider counselling.
I'm currently having a low point after he came to talk a few weeks back, it was not meant to be about the M but that's what happened. I listened more than speaking. He does seem all over the place and confused. He emailed saying about having to get to a place where he could say goodbye but that he's not ready and it feels so final. He apologised for upsetting me and messing with my emotions when I've come so far. I can't tell if he is of the view that the door is closed from my end (I have detached as previously said) or whether he's just trying to be nicer about leaving me rather than regretting.
It feels like my heart has been pulled out 😞
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
