These were the things my husband was unhappy with and voiced.
1. I did not work full time
So it wasn't agreed up front you would be SATM?
Actually, after kids born husband had told me not to go back to work. When we moved in with parents, we were doing pretty badly. I kept asking that we move out and get an apt (we could have afforded this on husbands full time and my part time salary) and husband said not unless I worked full time. It was logistically impossible at this time, because of childcare. When I asked him to explain how, his response was "other people do it. Figure it out"
2. I was always negative. I would have done this differently and am working on this now. It's even more challenging now because of circumstances, but something I am really working on.
Negative in which ways? How are you working on it?
I believe I focused a lot on the bad aspects of our lives and ignored the many good things going on. Then things get worse, and I look back and say "I can't believe I complained then when things were so much better". For example when we lived in apartment I complained that we didn't have house. Then when we lived in parents house I longed for that apt. Etc. etc. same with relationship. Wasn't so bad, I focused on negative, husband withdrew, I focused on that and pursued, now husband left to get space, I pursued we are very close to divorce.
How am I working on it? 1st: identifying and acknowledging it 2nd: trying some hypnosis techniques 3rd: faking it till I make it by controlling my verbal responses with goal of changing my thought processes. 4th: trying to read or watch positive and sometimes spiritual messages more frequently. 5th: staying away from the news and the typical depressing books and authors I am draw to. I think I need to stop reading some of the incoming posts regarding infidelity as well. I still have no proof of affair and when I read these stories, I am living these experiences. (I would do this when I come across different types of illnesses or horrific stories that happen to children as well)
I welcome any other ideas
3. My anxiety. My fears and obsessions of illnesses and children's safety etc. were very real to me but annoying to husband. I would have worked on it. I think it also has something to do with negative thinking.
Did you have IC, do CBT?
i do not. I tried in past, but found that talking about my issues didn't really help or change the underlying problem, because there are always new issues or anxieties that come up. Was taught about using subway imagery to get in habit of letting my thoughts go, but it's not enough.
4. Housework. If I lived in my own house/apt this would be a priority because it's nice to be organized.
Hmmmmm, think if I were H this might irate me, so could you have negotiated a housekeeper?
. That would be divine.
5. We cannot communicate with each other. ****** THIS WAS HIS MAJOR COMPLAINT. I know I would get angry and instead of communicating appropriately i would just make a nasty passive aggressive comment. This is something I have done a complete 180 on. No more comments.
Not communicating is a two way issue!
6. I did not dress up for him. I always went out in sweatpants. I have been doing this now, but he doesn't see me anyway so it makes no difference.
It makes a difference, trust me it does. This should be for you not your H. I suggest some self worth issues in this. Is there? Why would you not want to be at your best?
My grandma had an expression go be dressed to the shoes, every day. I know when I am down this is one of the first to go.
This is a big big issue.
I realize now, that I would have been valued by husband more if I made this effort. I guess the truth is I became lazy and took it for granted that he would be attracted to me no matter what. (I did always exercise though and I did dress ok for work) Husband would politely try to convince me to wear more tight fitting clothing, but I just did not pay attention to his requests. the truth is, I love being comfortable in sneakers and sweat pants and I do not like the feel of wearing make up. It was easy with kid to be able to get ready quick and to be able to keep up with them. I Was definatly depressed during past years.
Things that husband did not voice, but I would have done differently
1. More flirting
See 6 above.
2. Accepted him for what he was. When I needed him to change in order for family to function better as unit, I would have approached it differently so it would come across less as a criticism more as a team decision making. Communicate without criticism. I was way too demanding. Needed to let him come to me, instead of making demands. This would make me come across as way more attractive.
Great insight. Lesson learned?
. In some ways, I believe so. I am doing a lot more listening, although I recognize that I am having trouble accepting that he left us and ended marriage. I understand that he has the right to do so.
3. Combined finances so we would be working as team. This transparency would have made for less resentments on both our parts.
Not a deal breaker in my view.
. I think in our case, this brought on a lot of resentment. I had no idea what he was spending money on and he had no idea what I was. We needed to combine finances so we could view ourselves as more of a team unit instead of 2 separate entities working for separate goals and savings.
4. Would have went out with my friends more. This would have made me less clingy and demanding of his time.
GAL plan please.
5. In my mind I unfairly blamed him for things that were not necessarily his fault. This led to resentments
You don't get blamed for your thoughts or resentments. Think and resent away.
6. Listened to him more. I remember going way overboard with kids parties. He tried to talk to me about it and I just did not listen. Then after party was over I realized he was right. I admitted to him that he was, but should have listened more and implemented.
Negotiation not capitulation.
At this point, all he wants is space from me. And basically that is what I am doing. I stopped asking him about what his plans are regarding reconciliation, etc. I am remaining polite and cooperative when I can. If there was anything else I could do I would do it.
Your plans please
. Regarding husband, I have no plans as of yet. I am just taking it day by day. I really have only these options...
1. File for divorce. maybe it would be enough to make him come around, but if it doesn't I have to be ready to proceed. this would benefit me financially and give me more structure and stability.
2. Just wait in limbo and proceed as is. This can go on forever as the status quo serves husband well.
I have to think more about this.
Regardless, I am well aware that our marriage has no chance unless BOTH of us really want it to. At this point my husband does not.
