Thank you Vise, Txhubby and GWH for the encouragement and words of advice. I feel a he// of a lot better knowing I did not jump completely off of the ledge.
I think the anger that surged through made me feel like I was ready to just drop the dang rope already. But I know better. I just have suppressed the anger for these past months, and the energy was surging into self doubt and anxiety. And in the moments after the call with the WAW I felt almost like I was just done with it all. I know I am not, but your words of encouragement help me know that I am on the right track and still have somethings to learn.
The support here from everyone is a Godsend.
Thank you
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
V!! You are an Angel and unbelievable person. Your encouragement and insight has been and is so invaluable to me.
Your feedback on how I can fine tune my approaches are the best.
Thank you and God bless you as you have blessed me this past while that you have supported, followed up with me and taught me so many things to get through this ordeal. Keep your views coming as they are very beneficial to me and the man I want to shift to being.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am contemplating bringing up a conversation the evening, with the WAW about the co parenting time as she plans on moving out this weekend. Also I would like a final answer from her as it relates to the finance agreement since the L wrote it up and is awaiting our feedback.
She told me on the earlier call that she is done talking to me and will file the divorce tomorrow, but I am not sure as she has "threatened" this on several occasions and I am ready to move forward and be done with this back and forth at this time.
Do I bother trying to start the conversation or would that be bad? Not sure if Dbing applies here or not as I feel inclined to try and talk with her, but that may just be what I would normally do and that is not working these days. I know my goal for an amicable divorce where we can be adults for my baby girls seems like a pipe dream at this point after the early days of this mess where she said that is what she wanted as well. I don't want to incite a riot, but I want to be in the know for divorce proceedings and our finances at this point. Feels like a rock and a hard place.
Any thoughts?
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
My thinking is to let the conversation on co-parenting be until WW has left.
This is a highly charged time all around and calmness is a requirement.
Do not believe anything she says and please keep your buttons out of reach. Your older D has decided for herself so the arrangement is for your younger D.
If you are triggered in any way then things may go way south.
This is where your detachment comes in.
Please be careful and if you can have another adult or two around on moving day.
With W being as she is amicable isn't there at this moment. Let it unfold until you know.
If you think W will cause real difficulties on moving day, spend the day with your two beautiful Ds out of the house. All she can take is stuff, that is replaceable.
You have the choice to be an adult for your Ds irrespective of that which W does.
My thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I unfortunately had the conversation and it did go a bit south. She is infuriated about the money, but I did keep my cool fortunately. I got out in one piece so to speak and finally got an answer that she will file and she did get that started today. I don't want a divorce but at this point my best hope is some space if there is to ever be a thought of R down the road.
She slept on the couch. I guess that was also her sign for I am serious this time.
Today was much more pleasant. I imagine her lawyer gave her news she could stomach finally. But I won't read into that because it does not much matter to me. I just want my girls to have some peace and this can bring it for all of us.
I am bouncing around between numb and anger of late. Not sure what that means, but I feel as if I want the WAW to vanish from my life for good because none of this makes sense to me. And then I feel sad because my babies do not deserve any of this.
Anyway it's been a long day of rolling anxiety attacks since about 2 AM. My IC has recommended I see my PCP for some meds and a referral for a psychiatrist. He says the talk therapy is not going to be enough until I can balance those out. Not sure how I feel about this, but it's not really a boost to the ego at this point. The brain wants to be willing, but the mind is fooling the body with the nonsense that are these anxiety attacks.
V, I just want you to know that I look forward to your advice, thoughts and coaching. I think that is a good idea for the move out this weekend. Weird that is how I must think now a days, but it makes sense. And yes, I gotta protect those buttons at all costs.
You are both a wise person and a sweet angel watching over me and my family. Thank you more than I could ever express in typed words.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Detaching is the goal and I am working to do it in a healthy way, not an angry, bitter way. She is the mother of my baby angels and she was the woman I loved for the past 20 years. I am feeling detached as I see her because she is now the enemy that is dismantling my family and life.
I say that but I feel guilty as after speaking with my IC and learning that I may have had a medical depressive disorder for many years, and my behaviors in this state may have greatly contributed to the down fall of my marriage.
Today I am just focused on getting from one minute to the next as the anxiety attacks keep rolling in like waves to the shore.
I gotta stay strong for my girls I gotta move through this nightmare and wake up strong. I will make it I will make it.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Your counselor is right SadHub - get thee to a real doctor.
I am right there with you on the anxiety, and some days there is just no getting a handle on the evil anxiety beast short of pharmaceutical assistance (in my case, Xanax). My parents keep telling me it's not something I should be relying on, and implying I should avoid taking anything at all, but you know what? I am having problems coping and I refuse to feel badly because I can't meet the expectations of other people. If a stupid little pill that I take once every few days or even once every couple weeks helps me get through a mine field of triggers, then so be it.
Help yourself, and soon, both for yourself and for your children!
Sending you good thoughts, SadHub.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Thank you Phoebe for the support. I really do need some relief so I can think, feel and act straight. When I am shaking uncontrollably it really does not help me in communicating with calm, confidence or validation, even though the logical brain is telling me he right things.
That and it is physically exhausting which is a whole other challenge.
I'll get this all together......I have a couple of pretty important reasons to do so. And I still have hope in the MR, it is getting smaller, but it is still there.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
