Some evening journaling...and as always, thanks for suggestions.
This is a long term project. Period. As a WAW posted elsewhere, instead of calling our WAW's crazy aliens, we should also think of our actions that put their hearts into deep freeze. And my W's heart is buried in the tundra. The only way it can melt to improve the M is if it generates heat from within. My trick is to thaw it just enough to have hope that the internal heater will start working--if ever. And my thawing process for her heart must be slow and gradual--applying the heat too much can result in irreparable damage. And applying cold doesn't work much either.
Last night was very interesting. We had misunderstanding over dinner with W and several girls who were sleeping over for D6's ongoing B-day celebration--a typical sitch where I'm lacksadaisical in my decision making and W misinterprets my actions.
In any event, with eight girls in my living room and D's 6 and 8 fighting--W came into our bedroom having enough and lashed into me about the misery of her life. I took a page from Seattle and planted a hard kiss on her lips.
W: What was that? In 14 years, when have you ever tried to comfort me? I feel nothing.
I kissed her again.
W: Started breaking down and cry. You never did that. You expect me to say that I feel something now when I feel absolutely nothing for you. (She then said some very cruel things relating to how she hated having sex with me and that the kids only saw me as someone who set unfriendly rules for them in the house).
I disagreed with at least half of what she said, but I just validated her FEELINGS as she continued crying saying, "It was too late. We just failed to build."
I rubbed her back a few times before she told me to stop. She said she had so much to offer and I rejetced it for 14 years and now it is time to allow her to seek her happiness her own way. She said she understood how I probably felt that I did not deserve what was happening, but neither did she--it was just what the way things were.
Again, I just validated as best I could. I thought I had pushed the emotions as far as I could on one night--and backed out to sleep in S9's room because he was sleeping at his cousin's.
This morning and today, W was back to ornery self and feeling miserable about her "phony" life. But I stayed leevl and eventually we all went to NYC to see the Queen Mary II (Quite a ship)! There was not much of a change in W's attitude, but I remained friendly and courteous and just tried to act normal. I never bit even slighly on any of her crap. Indeed as a funny aside, she (wrongly) questioned something I was doing on the commuter train regarding our fares--and the conductor corrected her and says to me loud enough for W to hear--"My W does that to me all the time!"
Not much going tonight, but when I said goodniight to W before coming to the computer, I got a sincere goodnight in return--something I usually don't get. Not much, but a better way to end the day.
Betsey recently remarked to others that the worst thing you can do is ignore a woman who wants attention. I really want to give W what she needs and will try hard. And DB Coach Laurie says just be her friend. And folks, before I finish I wil tell you this much--accept it or not: my acceptance of Christ and His compassion has done more for me as caring human being in three months than I accumulated in a lifetime of selective compassion. Even if my M fails--I will have achieved a victory in life.
