Hi, new to this site although I've read a lot in these last 8 months. H turned 40 at the end of last year, had been lying to people about his age for some time, taking 2 years off. On reflection there were clearly age issues for a while. Dad died 5 years before and H did not appear to have got over this properly. Biological father left when H was 4, no contact since. Mother has lots of issues including depression and various issues with her family. In May had a 'I don't know what's wrong' talk when many aspects were thrown about but no talks wanted. Lots of pressure professionally too at this time. H started distancing from me and D(17) described by D as bi-polar frequently. Started buying very young clothes and trying to impress D and her friends with music choice. Had the ILYB in August out of the blue. Admitted to a 'connection' but denied there being someone. Found evidence of hotel bookings (where they had to discuss how they felt about each other) and expensive gifts. H moved out 3 months later, been gone for 5 months, cries and says can't live without me, will compare everyone to me and all relationships to ours. Says didn't see the real me until he sees how strong I've been. Says he has to live with the consequences, isn't ready to say goodbye but is sell with his gf who is 16 years younger. We got together 22 years ago and married 15. Blamed me initially for just about everything, lots of nasty comments and leaving me not D although is failing her too. So many mixed signals, I avoid initiating contact but he infrequently touches base, cried uncontrollably a few weeks back when he called, but then whilst he says his awful he feels, how I didn't deserve this, that he didn't realise he'd hurt so much or miss me so much still he hasn't said he wants to come back either. There has been so much hurt and some really awful treatment (he did most of this by text after 22 years together). Says he knows he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with ne etc. All the classic lines although he is still with this much younger girl after quite a few months. I don't know whether to just move on or hold on. It seems so much to throw away and he said that he'll always live with the what ifs and just wants to hug me and never let me go. SO confused
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H needs real psychological help. You can't fix him with advice you'll get here. He's in a major MLC with probably clinical depression as well. He's ruining his life over it. The problem is you can't commit people like you could in the old days. If he doesn't want the professional help then no one can make him and he'll ruin his life.
That's on him. What you can't allow for you and your daughter is for him to ruin your lives too. Tell him to get professional help or to not bother contacting you again and immediately speak with a lawyer. I'd advise you to file for D. Getting served has a way of snapping people like your H out of this fog of MLC/depression. It makes it real. If it doesn't snap him out of it then that's fine too. You would need to move on at that point, divorce him, and heal for yourself. You haven't even reached the half way point of your life yet. You don't need this dragging you down.
I spoke to him about counselling, I've been attending on my own after he convinced me initially that this was my fault. He told me in November/December that he knows he's in some sort of crisis and needs help but still hasn't sought it and I know that I can't make him do that until he decides to do it for himself. He's always been complex, has always said I'm his best friend, no one understands him apart from me and people always commented on how together we were. Our D is in her final year of high school before hopefully university, the girlfriend he has is only 6 years older plus they share the same name (uncomfortable). He lost it with our D when she visited his apartment for the first (and only time) as he won't let her have her say about how disgusted and disappointed she is. He's destroying his relationship with her and says that he knows he can't be in my future given what has happened but the thought is so painful. He's sent me song lyrics and claims to have told the OW that he's struggling without me although given the gifts he's buying and money on travel she's sticking around. I believe that if there are problems people should at least try and work them out, at least then the scars shouldn't be as bad and everyone knows they tried. This time last year we had an shaving holiday together with fantastic chemistry but then the ILYB, life's too short, is there more to life than this etc. Yes we got together young but it's never stopped him from doing anything, I've always shouldered most of the responsibility within the relationship and he travels a lot with work. We've also been fortune financially with amazing holidays, a lovely house and cars, to everyone we had everything and approaching our D going to university this should now be our time. We had plans to move and all sorts, he says this was just settling, believing it was ok just to be ok. He doesn't seem to be able to separate real long standing love for infatuation. At 38 I've dedicated my entire adult life to this relationship. I feel so useless as I know I can't help him make sense of it and he feels how he feels currently.
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Few other things I forgot to add, H's family are no better, had no contact from MIL or SIL (who I was close to). They've also all but abandoned my D who turned 18 recently with just generic cards from them, no gifts, calls or any contact that day. SIL has even been posting social media quotes about relationships. D mentioned this to H very upset and angry on 1 occasion in particular. H made excuses and is projecting blame on D and emotional blackmail for her to contact his mum. H also became angry with me earlier this year about me having not made contact with them and suggesting I was also poisoning D against them, even though I have never done so and deep down he knows me better. He's only talking to one of our longstanding friends, he's told her how much he misses me and also says I've behaved impeccably. He's described me as the most amazing person he knows, although obviously not THAT amazing to try and work through whatever this is rather than run. He's taken the OW away twice, spent just 1 day with our D in 7 months then one night every week/fortnight/three weeks depending on how much he's annoyed or upset D and if she wants to see him. He didn't even tell D he was going away, once he text me when he was actually away, the second time D saw a pic of him and OW on social media. When she confronted him he got defensive and accused her of emotional blackmail when she said he was choosing OW over her. MIL is condoning the PA to my D although she had a history of A's herself and is divorced from H's biological father although that was apparently an emotionally abusive R. Not really sure how I can expect him to face up to responsibility and try and work things out when the rest of the family seem to condone his actions.
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
whilst he says his awful he feels, how I didn't deserve this, that he didn't realise he'd hurt so much or miss me so much still he hasn't said he wants to come back either.
Sounds like my WW. This reasoning is completely indecipherable to the LBS.
Take a step back and read all these things that your H has done to you and your daughter but read them as if it wasn't you, that you're an objective 3rd party reading about people you don't know. Wouldn't you tell the wife in this story to run right to a lawyer and get her and her daughter as far away from this man as possible? That's what I'd tell her. He's lost. As a last resort I recommend filing for D to snap him out of it. Until then (and you should do that soon) you two have to both detach from him. Envision and start planning life without him and do some real activities toward that. That might also snap him out of it. Make him feel the pain of his stupid behavior. DO NOT be his doormat. Do not be available on his schedule. He needs to feel real loss.
Personally I would never give two strikes. There's a saying that I love and live by. Everyone deserves a second chance, no one deserves a third.
I have distanced myself. I do not contact him and also refused to answer his telephone calls. I've already been to a lawyer for financial purposes, although in all fairness this has not been an issue so far and he continues to pay the mortgage and bills etc beyond our proportionate split. My D is obviously very upset/angry and as H will not give her the opportunity to have her say (they always go somewhere public after the time he took her to the apartment very soon after moving out which went horribly wrong), she is still bottling it. She does speak to me a lot although I will not tell her what to do, the advice I give is to think about what she wants and how she alone will feel if she does/doesn't do or says/doesn't say something. He used to dote on her and she on him, that's heartbreaking to see and it clearly affects her. She does have frequent occasions where she doesn't want to see him or won't reply to texts. Currently it's been 3 weeks and 2 days since she last saw him. She and I have built upon our relationship however, we've been on 3 different holidays in the last 7 months and have another 2 booked. We do lots of things together without inviting H and just get on with things as just the 2 of us. I won't start any legal action until after her high school exams, she's already had so much pressure and there has been a significant impact on her schooling, she wasn't attending and has gone from being a high performer to concerns as to whether she'd be permitted to sit her examinations. I can't do anything that will make things even more unsettled for her until she's completed the school year in June.
This time last year I would never have seen this coming, H was prone to being stressed and has a high pressure job which D and I both saw as being the issue initially. He'd even commented to one of our friends 2 months before BD that he couldn't wait for a project he was working on to be over, that I had been amazing, he could not have done it without me and couldn't wait to get time back with me again. From that to BD within weeks!
Whilst I'd rather none of us go through it, I'm glad I'm not alone. Within my friendship circle I'm the first (and hopefully the last) who has experienced this, whilst my friends have been fantastic I don't think you fully understand it unless you've actually lived it
Me: 38 H: 40 (39 @ BD) BD: August 2015 T: 22 years M: 15 years D: 18 years (17 @ BD)
I'm hopeful that your daughter will be able to sit for her exams. I'm sure you are encouraging her to keep her eye on graduation and finishing strong. You are also smart to recognize that you can't fix your husband.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
