W says my touch makes her skin crawl and she is still in contact with OM. However, if I start kissing her every time she gets angry and goes on her rants (and say, "Your feistiness is a real turn-on) THEN--maybe she'll stop. . It's worth a try!
The one other thing I have not tried is leaving. For eight months she has told me that my presence is killing her and making her a bad mother--but she is still standing. I still think patience and unconditional love/kindness still appear to be my best bet--but this is one tough nut to crack. That is, while it may take six weeks of this actvity to break down another spouse--for me, it may take six months.
And a final word to you snoopers--my last backslide/argument was in no small measure related to nagging thinking about OM and seeing his number on our home phone redial. If our M is to heal, there will come a time to address OP's. However, thinking about it (or better said--not accepting that "it is what it is") when our C's state no interest in reconcilaition remains one of the most corrosive acids to properly applying DB principles.
Later dudes, I think I'll join my Church retreat group tonight and refresh the spirit.
My M is regressing, but my journey with God is going very well. A good trade off in the grand scheme of things and the one that will save me yet. Have you seen a post from Scott?
Bridget tell me about the corn flakes please. You dont suppose my W has been doing this to my raisen bran, do ya? Im still laughing. You girls crack me up over here. Merrick you have good company to share your life with anyway.
Merrick dont worry about what she is doing to piss you off. My C told me that this will most likely get worse as the pressure of the home being sold and the things being divided and everything goes on. Her saying that she cant stand your touch is just another alien trademark. She unfortunatly cant stand your touch right now. She most likely feels this way. Respect it and give her the space to solve it on her own. She is full of resentment and very bitter. Its her own issue not yours, and as much as you would like to help her to see she is wrong, she is thre only one who can do this. She has to pick her route through the thick forest and it is thick. You cant guide her because she will go the oppisite way out of spite to show you right now. Let her follow the instincts within herself and she will make it to the field on the otherside of the forest. Ok, its a f%$^&* jungle in your case and its so thick she needs a damn machetti. You get the picture. Its not you Merrick, Your the light guiding her with your actions. God BLess, eddy
Hey Merrick..Just wanted to drop you a (((((((((()))))))). Your W is sure a "tough nut" to crack as is my H. I would not go the route of hugging her either as TripleJ said. I think you tried something like that once before (a kiss) and it did stop her in her tracks but I don't think it's a worthwhile effort yet. IMHO, I believe the "love" that she does have for you is frozen in her heart and before she can start to accept your touch again, you've got to get her heart back. I don't know how you do that since I am in the same fight but I believe that once the ice is broken it would allow for some touch which would engulf her. You obviously aren't at this point.
I also think that not leaving is a good choice and a cheeseless tunnel for her but maybe there is some sort of solution to that extent?? I mean maybe there is something like what Eddy has that could work for you-say a trial S? For example, although Eddy doesn't live in his house anymore, neither does his W really. They trade time there w/kids on a schedule of 2-2-3. Maybe this is something to propose to your W as a test run to see if it "would" make a difference in your sit. I know you have some very strong ground for staying and I commend that to the fullest extent but maybe showing her how the $$ would come into play and the struggle w/kids and being away from home, and her alone would really be? Just an idea that might warrant some thought to switching up on her and letting her see how hard/different things really could be. Of course, you're the best judge at this since you know your sit and how your W would take this. Hope you had a good day in church. Tootles..........
Some evening journaling...and as always, thanks for suggestions.
This is a long term project. Period. As a WAW posted elsewhere, instead of calling our WAW's crazy aliens, we should also think of our actions that put their hearts into deep freeze. And my W's heart is buried in the tundra. The only way it can melt to improve the M is if it generates heat from within. My trick is to thaw it just enough to have hope that the internal heater will start working--if ever. And my thawing process for her heart must be slow and gradual--applying the heat too much can result in irreparable damage. And applying cold doesn't work much either.
Last night was very interesting. We had misunderstanding over dinner with W and several girls who were sleeping over for D6's ongoing B-day celebration--a typical sitch where I'm lacksadaisical in my decision making and W misinterprets my actions.
In any event, with eight girls in my living room and D's 6 and 8 fighting--W came into our bedroom having enough and lashed into me about the misery of her life. I took a page from Seattle and planted a hard kiss on her lips.
W: What was that? In 14 years, when have you ever tried to comfort me? I feel nothing.
I kissed her again.
W: Started breaking down and cry. You never did that. You expect me to say that I feel something now when I feel absolutely nothing for you. (She then said some very cruel things relating to how she hated having sex with me and that the kids only saw me as someone who set unfriendly rules for them in the house).
I disagreed with at least half of what she said, but I just validated her FEELINGS as she continued crying saying, "It was too late. We just failed to build."
I rubbed her back a few times before she told me to stop. She said she had so much to offer and I rejetced it for 14 years and now it is time to allow her to seek her happiness her own way. She said she understood how I probably felt that I did not deserve what was happening, but neither did she--it was just what the way things were.
Again, I just validated as best I could. I thought I had pushed the emotions as far as I could on one night--and backed out to sleep in S9's room because he was sleeping at his cousin's.
This morning and today, W was back to ornery self and feeling miserable about her "phony" life. But I stayed leevl and eventually we all went to NYC to see the Queen Mary II (Quite a ship)! There was not much of a change in W's attitude, but I remained friendly and courteous and just tried to act normal. I never bit even slighly on any of her crap. Indeed as a funny aside, she (wrongly) questioned something I was doing on the commuter train regarding our fares--and the conductor corrected her and says to me loud enough for W to hear--"My W does that to me all the time!"
Not much going tonight, but when I said goodniight to W before coming to the computer, I got a sincere goodnight in return--something I usually don't get. Not much, but a better way to end the day.
Betsey recently remarked to others that the worst thing you can do is ignore a woman who wants attention. I really want to give W what she needs and will try hard. And DB Coach Laurie says just be her friend. And folks, before I finish I wil tell you this much--accept it or not: my acceptance of Christ and His compassion has done more for me as caring human being in three months than I accumulated in a lifetime of selective compassion. Even if my M fails--I will have achieved a victory in life.
You dont suppose my W has been doing this to my raisen bran, do ya? 