Have not updated in awhile because I was hoping to see how things were progressing in my stich. My H started calling me about every 4 days or so... He has called about 4 times since the BD and I have been employing DB techniques.
As you know the first call when wellish, the second he was irritated, the third and fourth seemed better. Each time he has been the one to say let me call you in a couple of days. The last call he even said let's talk next week (now this week) and figure some things out - I honestly have not been reading too much into our conversations, but he seemed to be progressing in a more positive direction (never mentioning D on the calls).
...then today
an email, early afternoon, that talked about how sad he was and that he wants to me to be happy in the future and so he is looking into how to file in my state.
...wtf
what happened? I genuinely saw baby steps of progress, DB techniques working, and then this?
I guess I read things the wrong way and nothing was actually shifting. I feel foolish. I also do not have the fortitude to carry on. I cannot stand the constant rejection. H is moving forward with the D it seems, so there's nothing else for me to do.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
You haven't detached iwad. That's your problem. You are hanging on to everything he says and does to you. That's what is causing you so much grief. DETACH girl. Start moving on with your life. That doesn't mean that you are giving up on our M but you MUST start taking care of yourself and right now, you aren't. His strange behavior is because he is very conflicted. He's very confused. Spend this time becoming AWESOME iwad and show him what he's missing. Get on FB. Get social. Get out and GAL. You won't be able to accomplish anything until you are able to detach from him. You don't know if he is going to come back or if he is gone for good. So you need to take care of yourself regardless. Start living a life without him. You will see that you will be ok. The pain and anguish is there but it will diminish as you learn to live without him. If he never comes back, then you know you don't need him. If he does come back, then great. But doing what you are doing now isn't taking care of you. Start there and detach. Let him go. By letting him go, you can do what needs to be done to get him back.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I guess I read things the wrong way and nothing was actually shifting. I feel foolish. I also do not have the fortitude to carry on. I cannot stand the constant rejection. H is moving forward with the D it seems, so there's nothing else for me to do.
It's common to read things the wrong way, which really isn't the wrong way but the way we want to see them. That's not foolish at all. It's completely normal.
The thing to remember is that his journey is not longer yours - and the more that you try to join his, the further he is going to drive away. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you shouldn't look at it any other way. All of our spouses, whether they be just walk aways or cheaters, are on their own path - it's all about them and doesn't concern us in the least. My W is a prime example. She has so many issues that honestly I don't know who the real one is, but as much as things hurt I know that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. She is on her own path and she doesn't want our family anymore.
Once a spouse has reached the place in their mind to leave, cheat, etc., the marriage is long done. And in their mind, it won't ever return. Ever. Now this isn't saying that a new relationship can be rebuilt, but that is just what it will have to be - brand new and starting from scratch. What we knew previous no longer applies. I'm struggling with this now. I filed and that is the last thing I ever thought I would do. And its killing me - I know she isn't coming back. But its her journey and I'm no longer part of it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you LiM and Jeep74. It seems like from your guidance the best thing for me to do is accept and move forward. H has made it clear that he no longer wants this M and I can't make him change his mind.
So with that I want to thank everyone for the kindness and at times hope, but looking at his recent action with the email I am letting go. I know that my M is over and I accept that. I hope others have better success in their stiches.
Thank you fellow DBers for the shoulder.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
We're not telling you that your marriage is over. We're just telling you to detach and ACT "as if." This is what you need to do if you want to fight for your M. Dont give up if you still want to fight. There is a big difference between giving up and detaching. They are not the same. Go back and read the book again because you are missing some key points. His text? Its shows me just how conflicted he is. I DONT think this is over but you have got to detach and start working on YOU. Stop worrying about him. You don't even need to respond to such a stupid text. Just ignore it. My WW had restarted her A after we separated. I was DB'ing and didn't know the A was back on BUT she still noticed my changes even though was showing no interest in working on our M. Today, we are starting to piece our M back together.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I wouldn't read into that in the least. I may be wrong, but the "do you hate me" statement screams justification. In other words, if you say no (which I'd be willing to bet he is wishing), then that relieves him of any guilt. My W did the same thing, and it was nothing more than a guilt check for her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi , hope it's ok to add my pennies worth. You don't know what he's thinking , he could have been thinking about reconciling or he could have been relieving his guilt , either way you can only carry on with your life If he wants to reconcile then you will know If he's trying to justify his guilt then that too will become apparent
The detaching is very hard and that's why you have to act it until you really feel it
This is such a hard thing to do but like anything , practice and it does get easier
