Live-In WAW VII--April Fools

[Underdog]

I guess I'm at a loss on why she couldn't have just said instead, "I was running late--so sorry to inconvenience you. Thanks for taking S9 to school."

Why does it always have to be you being the bastard and trying to make her look bad?

Damn, I'm praying for the rawness to subside so you can think clearly. Pulling for you, friend.

BTW, ESPN is all buzzing about the Canucks official website--displaying pictures of Steve Moore's latest neckwear. My hockey loving colleague told me about it this morning at the coffee pot, and we're both writing to the commissioner. Can you say horrid and tacky?

Hugs, dude.

[Love2Win]

why she couldn't have just said instead, "I was running late--so sorry to inconvenience you. Thanks for taking S9 to school."

My concept is coz we have all "learned" this behavior/response mechanism by being on the board and reading, etc... (at least I have). She is not educated to the point of relationships (which most of our WAS aren't) that we are and that's obvious in her treatment of her actions towards Merrick.

I don't have much else to say Merrick except that hopefully our paths will cross one day (I'm sorry you can't make it to VA beach). Take care. Tootles....

[merrick]

More jouranling and I took some risky moves tonight.

First on the plus side, I spoke to Eddy today for some advice. On the down side, W is W--and mine seems inetrchangeable with Eddy's.

Well, I threw a new wrinkle into the mix tonight. I got home tonight about 7:45. W had baked lots of cupcakes for D5 who turns 6 tomorrow. I went straight for the kids and spent the next 45 minutes with each of them before bed.

I went downstairs and there were lots of dishes from cooking, etc., that W did not have time to get to, so I started to clean. W continued her lovely ways and said don't do the dishes--that I'm only doing them to be nice and show I'm a good H and that W has a problem. She said i never did this before (BS!) and when she said it was part of my scheme, I just walked away. She then says that I'm walking away because she hit a chord that I'm only doing this to show her up. At that, I just walked out the front door.

When I got back, W said this proves I can't have a convo with her about things I don't like and thT I just put up the walls. She then asked if I would tell my computer buddies about tonight and is that how I spend all my time. I said I do have a support group online that helps me, but that's not all I do. I said I check all things on the web, do work, AND..................Check out the Yahoo Personals.

I won't get into all the give and take...but I told W I had placed an ad for a month and actually had a coffee date (I combined my phone convo with the Yahoo girl and Betsey). I said I wasn't really into it and just wanted to see if I could do it, so I have stopped seeking meetings, but W seemed stunned and started asking all types of questions. How long? When? What if you had a connection with the person you met? Then what? And you think this is okay? Your pro-marriage C said you should do this? (yes--if I was confident of my barriers). I added that my postings/and e-mails with other people (W: you e-mailed people??? How many???) were upfront about my sitch, that I was not looking for an R, but just wanted to meet new people.

She told me to keep doing it and then said she presumes she is free to do the same--to which I replied, you're free to do whatever you wish. She noted that she didn't need my permission.

The convo ended, but when I went back upstairs and thanked her for folding my laundry, her reply was, "Big f**kin' deal, you never thanked me before. Why do you even bother?"

I have no idea what the ultimate reaction might be or if now she'll go out and sleep with all of NYC, but I felt I really needed to let her know that I CAN and WILL move on without her if I have to. Eddy said this type of stuff led to his restraining order!! Hopefully, she'll be civil for D6's birthday. (they grow up so fast ).

KOFTGF

Merrick

[eddy]

Merrick, Im laughing. Yahoo personals... Sounds like you got the reaction you were looking for buddie. Just move slowly on this stuff and be gentle. Subtle little things that will make her wonder. I bet Va beach would make her wonder LOL Hang in there bud. KOFTGF God Bless, Eddy

[CabanaBoy]

Merrick,

Sorry to hear you aren't going to VaBeach. Guess we'll have to post some pix to show you what you missed out on.

As far as your Yahoo ads............you are playing with fire I think. If your W is anything like mine (and she kinda is) you better watch out when you go to sleep, keep one eye open. You think she's mad now, wait till she actually sees your ad and God forbid when the responses come flying in to you. LOL

Take care and sleep on your stomach pal.

CabanaBoy

[merrick]

Thanks y'all. I feel bad if I leave anyone out in my replies, but please know I read and appreciate every person who visits. And Karen--maybe our paths WILL cross one day.

If I wasn't clear on the Yahoo stuff, recognize that it's another effort to change some of the dynamic. W says she feels trapped in the M and gets angry that I'm not moving forward with her lawyer--although I've been waiting four months for something!!!!

I told W that I was just seeing what's out there if the M ends AND that I really wasn't into it. I could have said that I believe anything more than just a meeting was contrary to the Bible, AND even the meeting was contrary to Jesus's will, but I left that alone. If it comes up again, I'll probably just say I wasn't into it because I was not truly interested from the outset--but needed a peek at my future if the M ends. As to the "What if you found a connection" query--I may just say, "That would be great. There are lots of woman I've met through work with whom I have a connection and this would be no different."

Eddy said his C says jealousy is a sign that W is not ready to let go. Despite her words to the contrary, that's the sign I got last night that provides a ray of hope. And if not, I still feel good about myself and that I have behaved in a manner consistent with my beliefs.

Okay. Time to earn my paycheck.

Merrick

[merrick]

More journaling...Need to get this down while it's fresh.

W called to say she didn't sleep last night and felt miserable. She said she was carrying a heavy heart and figured it was due to D6's B-Day and how dysfunctional our family is.

She said she felt she was doing a disservice to the kids by us staying together and that my way doesn't work (C, work on the M). She says she has been unable to "fix" it--although she has tried. She added that to perpetuate and continue living like this can't be justified, reconciled, or rationalized.

As for the kdis, she said that while they seem fine, they are not. Since she knows them so well, she sees it. And we can't continue the pretnse that the sitch can be fixed.

She added that her parents are scared to death for her. That by staying and threatening to fight a Sep or D or that we won't get to a "better" place, I will continue harming her health. She noted that my "answers" don't work.
1) If it's a choice, she would make that choice because it's easy; and
2) Leaving (or staying and causing W's health to collapse) causing me to get a nanny or day care would "devastate" the kids.

W said the kids are her life -- I've done it all for them since the beginning (Note, Betsey, I told ya' so) and I know we can do better with every confidence if we have a new R (i.e., separate). She said she recognized that others (including her sister) could have a different opinion, but asked me if I knew how she can say this. I said, "Because you believe it."

And W's humble reply??

W: But my opinion is the ultimate truth!

I mostly listened and said, "Uh huh." I DID NOT SAY that only God and Jesus can speak the "ultimate truth."

She asked me if I could pledge not to fight and make a Sep/D acrimonious.

I said that when I married her, I vowed to treat her as the most important person in my life and to try my best to make her happy. Even if that was not always the case, I remain committed to that pledge.

W then tried to explain what she was doing in hiring a lawyer and how she was not trying to harm me, but to protect everyone's well-being and didn't want to fight. I said I understand that desire, but this was now a legal matter and I had to treat it like one. I said there were numerous areas where one could split hairs and that it was best to wait until she gave me her proposal before I could address these issues. I said it had been four months since I asked for this and I was still waiting and conveyed my sentiment that I made it clear from the beginning that I would not cross any bridges until I had this in hand--so please don't ask me for answers now. She then had to go. (Nothing on Yahoo I might add).

To be continued....

Merrick

[seattlehopeful]

Hey Merrick

As a sensitive guy, I've got a question for you. When was the last time you hugged her? I mean a real loving tight embrace? Stroked her face and her hair? No words, no asking permission, just eye contact and hug? Next time she is on a tirade, what would happen? Have you ever done this before?

I would expect a raging firestorm of venom coming out from her before, during, and maybe even after. But what would happen a couple of days after? You know her best, but I can't imagine this comes from someone who doesn't care. Anger is an emotion that is not too far from love.

[Underdog]

Hello fellow tree kisser!!! (Or was I spying on you and Briget?)

You know what? Seattle's idea isn't a bad one. I know when D7 (I know you see her as cooperative and well behaved, which is still amusing) is out of control, there are times when I instinctively KNOW she is acting out because she needs physical touch from me.

Also, she's been in PT (sorry, physical therapy) since she was 15 months old. For kids who are having difficulty calming down and are very excitable (yes, I know that your W does not suffer from sensory integration disorder), they bundle them up in a towel or blanket and hug them.

The power of touch heals in so many ways. Though I'd make sure I was wearing goggles and protective armor first!

Hugs to you today!

[TripleJ]

Merrick,

First off, since all my adopted hockey teams are losers, I have decided to adopt the Sharks for Betsey's sake. So you know the AVs will advance.

Okay, my two cents here. Although Seattle's suggestion of hugging is not a bad one, IMHO it isn't the right time for you to try that.

I don't see enough positives in your sitch to warrant something warm such as a hug. Reading what your W has said lately and her actions, I don't think it would be wise to initiate that typw of touch. I just feel like she will find fault in it and you don't need that.

I also read that she has a real problem with you being a great dad. Always thinking you are undermining her. I am so sorry you have to hear those words.

But if I may make a suggestion. I was wondering if you ever tried to show her the effects of how she is around the kids?

What I mean is, have you showed her that you being a great dad is all about you and that her being a great mom is all about her? You are a great dad because that is what you are and what you choose to be. She can not determine that for you. No one can except you. Just like SHE is the only one who can determine whether she is a good mother or not.

All I hear in your posts is how much she whines and cries and screams that you are out to get her, that you are planting seeds for taking the children away. Honestly, I am actually getting pretty tired with her for you.

I think she needs to realize that the role of mother is all up to her, not you. So, how do you show that to her? I don't know if there is an answer without telling her so. Just flat out say that it is not up to Merrick to determine what kind of mother you will be, its up to Merrick's W.

It seems nothing you do directly has put any chinks in the wall, no cracks whatsoever, and I feel for you kind sir. You have not had a break in a long time, which means one thing, things aren't working.

There has to be something to bring that wall down. Ya think?

Triple J