I could feel the backslide coming, but it blew today with a huge argument with W over where we are and where we are going. I guess all this was brewing too much for me to walk away. I could have hit myself at the end when she denied making comments about me poisoning the priest's mind and every one else at the Church. If she doesn't recall this, she is surely an alien. Athough there is no doubt she will remember every negative thing I said tonight.
My big mistep came when W said "lets tell the kids," and my doing just that. When S9 came in the room, I said, "Mommy doesn't love me and she wants a D--and I don't. That's what were arguing about." At bedtime, S8 asks, "Are you and mommy getting a D?" . That was a major screwup. But who knows, maybe it will demonstrate the hardship before we get there.
The issues were the same--C or no C? What's the use if W won't try? W accusing me of emotional manipulation by blaming her and stating that the issues won't be pretty in D--including custody. Role of OM? W says she wants Sep, not a D--but reconciliaiton is not possible. We should live separate forever. Her tank is definitely empyt for me and she wants me out because my presence just feeds the anger, resentment, and feeling of being trapped.
Incredibly, I don't feel too bad. Amidst all this my worst behavior was not anger--but a conveying a sense of self-righteousness by telling W that D was her decision--not mine and saying if she didn't want to "work" at it--so be it. Oh well. Tomorrow's another day.
