The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

I miss my wife.

As crazy as it sounds, I do. Today has not been an easy one. Had to go through some old pics for my kid's schools which brought back a lot of memories. Funny thing, I find myself wanting her again even after all she has done.

But at the same time I realize that our marriage is done and never will return in any form. Although I didn't set her bed on fire, she believes I did. As painful as this has been, what probably is the most painful of all is the feeling of our marriage being a fraud. I call it a fraud because it's like I never knew a whole side of my W, just what she wanted me to see and only told me of her abusive past after BD.

I had a conversation with a very, very close mutual friend who is in even more shock than I. She honestly feels that my W is two different people - one who shows what she thinks everyone wants to see (ie, the good, sweet little angel who does no wrong); and the one who has a much deeper and darker side. Interesting thing is, my W hasn't contacted her or responded to any messages since all of this went down. It's funny how people who she called close are starting to contact me over this.

Now I am facing a lot of anger and hatred from her. She said she can't stand being here around me. Ugh. My IC - who also saw us as a MC - feels that she is so angry because I caught her and found out her dark side. That seems to fit, too. Saying that I don't recognize her is an understatement. She has gone from being such a seemingly good person to this. She would rather go out with her sister than have the kids come down to see her on a Friday night, yet she complains about time with them.

So here I am. Filing was the hardest thing I have ever done. Even after the lies and betrayals, part still wants to believe that somewhere deep inside is the person I married. See, I hold the corner on crazy spouse. And she has destroyed my trust in people. Damn. I guess part of me will always love her, no matter how far she falls.