Getting out of in house S (9)

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

I think it was good you didn't ask if you could go to the wedding with her. Its her invitation she needs to invite you. How did you handle the looking after the kids for her? If you offered make some great plans with them. I try to do that when I just have the kids and W get so frustrated about it, like she missed out on something.

My W has two weddings to go to and she just put the invitations up on the wall. At first I was so mad, wanted to call er out on it for rubbing it in my face. The one she had to dig behind the counter because it "fell" there.

She could be trying to get a reaction from me or it could be to remind herself of the two weddings.

Of course I know enough to say nothing. I wont let the displayed invites to a weddings that I am not going to affect me.

[vise82]

Hey Jimkao,

Thanks for posting. I will have to read your thread more. That's sounded like a very one sided R. You have to move and be there for her with out any commitment on her part. You did the right thing it think.

Yes I was just posting about how I felt about pursuing. Not going to do it, but am being open to talking more, not R talk but just talk. W called yesterday and I usually let it go to the answering service. This time I answered and it was a normal conv that was not all about house stuff or moving. It was short and it sounded like she actually wanted to talk to me.

Small steps like you said.

[otw]

i told her to let me know the times and i would let her know. i will spend time with the kids extra, but i will not be her enabler either. i told her i have something to do that evening. so we will see when she lets me know the times.

more than likely i will be only available certain times.

[vise82]

Hey,

So another day not much about me.

W texted me near the end of my work day, I didn't respond as I was out trying to get tickets for an event that I wanted to take the kids and W to. I wasn't sure of how to ask W to go. I was thinking of telling her I won the ticket. I really didn't like that idea as it meant I would be lying to her.

Turns out I couldn't get the tickets. Need a CC, I don't have one yet.

I get home and W calls me. I answer. We have a good conversation about normal stuff, she wants to pick up dinner. I give my suggestion. She uses my suggestion.

W comes home I have kids outside and we all eat on the front porch. Then W wants to talk about house contents. It went well I got what I wanted. W is going a little nuts with not taking old furniture and she thinks she is going to buy all new. I don't know where she thinks all this money is coming from.

Then she talks about the summer care for the kids. So her parents in the past looked after the kids for a couple days and we get a babysitter for the rest. So we agreed to do the same. I guess the difference will be the what days will her parents keep the kids overnight? On my days or W days? And do I want to not have the kids on my days to save paying a babysitter? Or do I not worry about it too much, Its quality time with their grand parents.

Then we are sitting there and I want to ask about this event. I get nervous like I am asking her out. So I just ask, What do you think about getting tickets so we can bring the kids to go to this event?

She asks the date and I tell her. She says yes she would love to go to that but her brothers rehearsal dinner is that day. Actually she went on a little long on how she would like to go and seemed happy that I asked her.

So looks like problem solved. I am taking them with out W. W is getting the tickets for me and I will pay her back

W is getting sick so she asks me to pick up milk while I was dropping S7 off at his event. So it my be a bit of pursuing but I picked up some orange juice as well for W.

I get home and she is on the couch and looking for tissues. And she does everything but ask me to get them. I ignore and she gets up and gets them herself. I was like yes, she is learning. It drove me nuts before when she would ask me to stuff like that and she could just do it in the time it took to ask.

So I found a possible GAL, there are some classes in furniture painting that I might look into. With moving it might be cheaper to refinish our old furniture.

[vise82]

Hey.

W took kids to inlaws for dinner. SHe left right after lunch. It getting earlier and earlier. I think she leaves with her mom to go shopping and leaves the kids with grandpa.

S4 asked W why I cant go. W doesn't even answer him. Its just a terrible spot right now, with her brothers wedding that is all they talk about and how can that happen if I go.

I am not asking to go.

I see my lawyer in a couple of days to sign the S agreement. It is feeling like its the last days of our MR and I get urges to reach out and give a grand gesture of my feeling towards her. But I cant, to DB is to not do that. I know I have to fight the feelings and sign it and let her go.

She is talking to me and its about her new place and how things are two inches off so the special fridge wont fit and the seller is not going to fix it. I validate. Saying how terrible it must be, they seller is a jerk.

SHe is in fantasy land, all new appliances, top of the line. giving me al the old furniture because she is buying all new.

I used to be the voice of reason. The voice saying get used appliances or surch out dent and scratched places. I am not in a place to say that. She is spending money she does not have or her parents are giving her money.

I am just worried, she is not good with money and its going to end badly. But only if her parents decide not to bail her out for the tenth time.

So for me she offered to put me on as a secondary card holder for her credit card to help me out. I thanked her and said as a last resort, when all else fails I will consider it. I am keeping away from anything do with credit and her. She is a disaster waiting to happen.

I am spending time with my kids and loving them and watching them. They are my focus right now. Its going to be tough to compete with W new place and all new stuff. One son almost started to cry because my driveway was stone and he wouldn't be able to ride his scooter. And he was saying how big his moms place is and my house is small.

Look this is a teaching moment for me. I can show them the value of a dollar. I did not grow up from a wealthy household and I know how to make a dollar go far. My S7 attitude needs to change.

This weekend I taught them how to patch a bicycle tire, rather then buying a new tube. As I did that I realized I have so much to teach them.

Here is a new problem that is bothering me. There is a family down that street that has two daughters, my sons play with them on the court. W talks to the husband a lot on facebook, she lent him her back pack and always says hi to him. He says nothing to me. He avoids me. the oldest daughter said that she couldn't come into the house to play with he boys because only I was home. If w was home she could play with my sons in our house.

This has got me mad. it has been said twice now. and I am thinking what has W said to this guy about me?

Should I mention this to W? See what she says? To me its insulting. I want to go over to the guy and ask to his face why he would say that? Or am I just taking this way to personally?

Do I drop this or get it out of my system. It is eating away at me.

[vise82]

Hey.

W came back with boys and I made sure I was out. I took the dog to all the dog parks in the area. I just wanted to see where the parks were. Now I have some places to go to GAL. Worked out good as I came back kids were asking where I went. I am sure W was wondering also.

I put S7 to bed and he tells me he went to get measured for his suite for the wedding. he asked me if I was going. The last time I asked W about it months ago, she said she would check with her brother and didn't get back to me.

I told S7 that I was not sure. I didn't get an invite so I am guessing no. That it has to do with me and his mom moving to separate houses and it all part of that.

I said that his mom would know more then me and he can ask her. I thanked him for asking and reassured him that he can ask me or his mom anything like this.

Later he calls up his mom. Before I go to bed I ask her what she said to S7, She said that I was not going because when people are separated they sometimes do stuff together and sometimes they don't do stuff together.

W asked what I said to him

I answered.

She was angry for my answer because it makes her and her family look bad. And that I don't need to give him so much detail

I reply that I did keep it simple, no invite, I can go. She tried to pull me into a argument about it. I just said I agree with you that we need to talk to them in a simple way they understand and left the room.

It hurt hearing that W told S7 that I was not going to wedding as he really wants me to go. W was saying that I put the blame on her. I just said the truth. She doesn't want me telling the truth to him.

I lost a little hope last night. To not be there and with all the photos that will be taken etc. I am willing to let it go. But I also think I want to say to W that I don't want to hear about the wedding that I am not going to. Its like its being pushed in my face.

I have lost a little love for W. Making me more detached. I feel like I want off this ride. To stop fighting for this MR.

I see my Lawyer tomorrow. I am nervous, and sad. I was hurt last night and to the point I was thinking of telling the lawyer to just start the divorce. To let me start it. I really don't feel like waiting for W anymore. This is a feeling and I know it might pass. Maybe not.

I asked W to buy the tickets this morning for the event she couldn't go to and she asks me if its just me and the kids going. WHY ask that? Who does she think is going with me and the kids?

One day at a time.

[vise82]

Hey,

Not much to say, normal stuff.

I picked up kids after school. W did not call or message me like she normally does after her work. She was working late. I had the kids outside and W comes home. She says Hello to me. I say it back. There was some talk about her house and she shows me something she bought for the kids for the wedding I am not going to.

Why does she do that. Does she want me to be happy to see all this stuff for an event that does not involve me?

I am losing the need to confront her on telling me stuff as I just don't care as much.

She is starting to get physically ugly to me. And I think to myself just for a second that I can do way better. Also thought of if we do R then I will never know if I could.

I am starting to gain some self value. This is all flash in the pan thoughts.

Deep down I still love her. I mean I chose her and I still stand by that choice. I didn't know how much I did love her until she wanted a S.

At the start of this after BD, W tried to get me to agree that if we did not have kids would we still be together? Who knows.

Just same old, I put the kids to bed and then W and I stay away from each other in different rooms.

One thing I did do is dress up after work, to look my best. She did notice. I don't do that as much as I should. It doubles the laundry that I have to do for myself.

It is good for confidence. I can feel it as I enter the school looking like a million bucks to pick up the kids. But some days I don't feel like it and just change it up and let people see the working me in my work clothes and glasses.

Have my lawyer visit today to look at the S agreement before I sign it. I will get some truth today to see how much my W is truly taking it easy on me with it. She is saying she could get a lot more money out of me but she doesn't want her kids living in an apartment with me somewhere with no money.

But the way she is spending when they will be living with her it will be with no money.

[otw]

W used to act like nothing was happening at times with me as well. I remember there would be times she would talk in future tense like next year this or ask my opinion on lamps for rooms. I was baffled.

Take in all info at lawyer and don't get emotionally involved in decisions.

I know this wedding is a big thing to you. Can you honestly answer why? Is it because you will miss the family or are you worried it signifies things are done? She will be seen without you? Or are you worried she will be looking to spend time with someone else there?

Once
We get this answered we can go further.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Yes the way words are used are interesting. She still call where we live home. It is home for now. But hardly a home with a broken family living in a house.

For the wedding. I have a hard time thinking that I should not be there. I have a hard time thinking that I am not part of the family. It was a big deal to not invite my parents to our wedding (they were suing me and my brother for a house brother and I bought). My parents action has caused a ripple in time that has even had an affect on this S.

I am not my parents. I should be invited to this wedding. But I know W parents are more concerned with how the pictures will look on their walls with me in the pictures then having the father of their grand kids at the wedding.

The rejection for not being invited is hard to take.

I feel like I gave up my family to be a part of hers only to have them taken away from me as well.

Its a wedding for W brother and nothing to do with W. Our S should not have had a factor on if I was invited. My kids will be there Why not me. She want me to celebrate Christmas with them but not be at the wedding? Really?

So then I ask myself why not?

Because W mother wants her daughter to meet a guy that is in the wedding party and "better then me"

There is another eligible bachelor in the wedding party. I actually talked to him at a W brothers stag and doe. But hear W mother and W talk about him, when we were still together you would think this guy was gods gift to woman.

Is that why I am not there?

I have been through this with another wedding of W best friend that I did not go to. Shure W talked a big game about how good looking the best man was and how much she wanted him but nothing happened. I imagine the same thing will happen this time.

Its just two days and one night. I can get though it. I am sure she will have expectation of having a better time at the wedding with out me there. Who know if she will? DBing says that I should not go, let her feel the loss. Even more so at a wedding. Where the focus is the complete opposite of what W is doing right now with our MR.

[otw]

Ok so it seems to me the major reason is scared of another man or her moving on. Yes that [censored]. I have same fears.

I was going to say if it wasn't that and really about the being close to family and wanting to be there then tell her you would like to go.

But if MIL is saying these things to wife then I don't see the family being that close anymore.

I'm sorry you are having it rough.