She is still adamant that a D is the only answer, so i will just validate it for her.
How?
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OP is coming to town at the end of the month. I have told her to respect me and rather tell what she's doing, because that is a bare minimum if she's living under the same roof.
And when she doesn't tell you the truth, then what? Has she agreed to be transparent?
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I thought that I would not be able to let her go, but I now realise that it's going to be easier than ordering a Big Mac!
Oh yeah? We'll see.
I
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plan to out her at the Counselling Session tomorrow, as i need to be honest (somewhat) with the Psychologist. Any advice on how i should play it? She plans to stay alone for 20 extra minutes to discuss her infatuation with the OP, whilst I fetch our son from creche.
And what do you expect from your WW, once you "out her"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If OM is a Christian...confront him privately first and tell him to stop any and all contact with your wife and tell him it would be helpful that he not disclose your contacting him privately and confronting him privately. Be sure to slide in that if he refuses or further interferes with your marriage (as he is biblically forbidden to do) that you'll need to address this up his chain of command (with his pastor and/or officials at his church). He can't be on church missions or representing the church in any official capacity and behave sinfully. A private rebuke should work just fine and since he's already told her he wasn't interested....he SHOULD have nothing to do with her at your request because he wouldn't want to risk even the appearance of impropriety.
If he refuses ....you must follow through with seeking church discipline.
Same goes for your wife. Your counselor can't help you if the counselor doesn't know the truth, Sandi, above asked what your expectations were for telling the counselor and your answer should be "I only expect the truth and to deal with the truth - no more hiding in shame/fear we will address these problems honestly from this point forward - no more lies".
If OM is married, his wife should be made aware that your wife poses a threat to her marriage and family. Apologize on her behalf but the more you speak the truth the better.
I am not advocating exposure....I am merely discussing Christian obligations and responsibilities within the church. Your wife (and OM) have already developed too close a relationship and this involves a church leader...such leader and your church need to be aware of such in order to protect everyone involved. As uncomfortable as it sounds, private confrontation is the first step...then elders and church leaders need to be involved. Read up on how to confront a Christian regarding their sin and Church discipline for further insight.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Everyday i go through a virtuous cycle, which is at least better than a vicious one. I go sleep in peace and I awake (early) with fear, but that dissipates during the day, and with all of your help.
Sandi2 1 - I simply agree with her and say "yes, i see us having that D and i'm letting you go now so that I can deal with it when that day comes". 2 - She has agreed to become transparent. I cannot trust her but I need her to believe that I do. 3 - I've got to prepare myself for when she leaves. My other problem is that I know that I can do better than my current wife. I feel bad to say it, but I have a chance at a second beginning with someone else. However, I will fight for my wife as long as I know that she has not been unfaithful. Once she is, I will sue her and leave her with nothing. 4 - I expect her to be pushed away, but i'm hoping that the psychologist see's the irrationality. I cannot play it nice, that will allow my WW to play nice too. Gotta bring out the big guns and have her face her truth right now. Before he comes to town, hopefully.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I was thinking of silently confronting him, which should do the the trick. But what if her lust for attention is then shifted to someone else, less Christian - then she will be lost to me.
I need her to cling to him and I need him to fight her off until she becomes the pursuer. This whole thing has made me so spiritual, and I can only pray that he has the will power to fight her off.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Confronting him won't do anything unless you are willing to back up the threat. Being weak and passive in a confrontation will only get you laughed at and drive them even more. Are you prepared if this escalates?
[quote]I need her to cling to him and I need him to fight her off until she becomes the pursuer. This whole thing has made me so spiritual, and I can only pray that he has the will power to fight her off.[quote]
Wait, you are giving her permission to keep contact with him?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
No Jeep74, I have asked her to respect me and not chat to him in our house, or talk to him at all really. She says that she never chatted to him yesterday and not today.
The words out of her mouth are that "the OP is not a threat" - yeah right. What I am saying, is that until I distance enough for her to pursue me, I am "happy" to have her running into a dead-end. How long it will remain a dead end is another story...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
1 - I simply agree with her and say "yes, i see us having that D and i'm letting you go now so that I can deal with it when that day comes". I dont think agreeing and validating are the same thing.
2 - She has agreed to become transparent. I cannot trust her but I need her to believe that I do. If you cant trust her, she isnt transparent.
3 - I've got to prepare myself for when she leaves. My other problem is that I know that I can do better than my current wife. I feel bad to say it, but I have a chance at a second beginning with someone else. However, I will fight for my wife as long as I know that she has not been unfaithful. Once she is, I will sue her and leave her with nothing. Huh? This doesnt sound "virtuous" at all.
4 - I expect her to be pushed away, but i'm hoping that the psychologist see's the irrationality. I cannot play it nice, that will allow my WW to play nice too. Gotta bring out the big guns and have her face her truth right now. Before he comes to town, hopefully. Why do you think that "her truth" is your version of it?
Just out of curiosity, DDJ, what are your goals? Are you trying to stay married? Or trying to get her to give you a reason to divorce her?
Nice insight darknes, right now I really am not sure. I do not know if I want to be married to her anymore. I love her with all my heart, but at the same time, I know that I am able to let her go, if she really wanted to, or thought that she did.
Is that wrong? Wrong to give up because the other person has? Am i not detaching?
It's the whole, "if you set it free, and it's meant to be, it will return". My mind is in as much of a daze as hers.
But my short-term goal is to try and bring my WW back from this craziness and face her reality. I can't see past today right now, so don't have a long-term goal.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
But my short-term goal is to try and bring my WW back from this craziness and face her reality. I can't see past today right now, so don't have a long-term goal.
Think about golfing. Lets say you are trying to sink a 50 foot putt.
You aim for the hole, but youre only really looking at the spot in front of the ball that will then go in to the hole. So you know your 50 foot target and you know the 5 foot direction you want to go that you think is the best way to get you there.
If you only look 5 feet in front of you, how do you know that you are aiming at the hole 50 feet away?
But my short-term goal is to try and bring my WW back from this craziness and face her reality. I can't see past today right now, so don't have a long-term goal.
Think about golfing. Lets say you are trying to sink a 50 foot putt.
You aim for the hole, but youre only really looking at the spot in front of the ball that will then go in to the hole. So you know your 50 foot target and you know the 5 foot direction you want to go that you think is the best way to get you there.
If you only look 5 feet in front of you, how do you know that you are aiming at the hole 50 feet away?
But the part you are leaving out is counter intuitive so try putting away from the hole!
