I am content, that is a blessing.......

[mleigh4]

Ok, well, I had mentioned I wanted to open the door with H to communication....I think I did?

S and I did not hear from H all weekend. I was kind of surprised, being that he said he missed S so much on his trip and all, I guess the Friday visit was enough. I imagined him sleeping on and off, watching NASCAR all weekend, no responsibilities and all....

Sunday night at 9 pm he TM asking me if the Safeway monopoly tickets he gave me produced any winners (NO!) And if S was still up. I replied yes he is, do you want to speak with the little man? Nothing, crickets for 40 minutes. I thought, wtf? As S and I were heading to bed, H TM, he was sorry, bit on a fork, chipped his tooth, but is back, is S still up? You know, it was just so stupid, I rolled my eyes, put the phone down, did not reply, we went to bed.

So this afternoon, he sent a TM to coordinate getting S, he still needed to go grocery shopping. I had an errand to run too, so we planned it out. Let me back up, today I noticed some kind of rip on my tire (guys, don't laugh. Yes, I obviously scraped something) so, I am a bit stressed driving on a tire that I am scared will blow, not to mention I need new tires now, not later like planned. More money. So, I mentioned this to H, asked for him to look at tire. I mentioned between house expenses and truck expenses, we need to get together and go over finances and plans. I said we went into separation not knowing what or how long and we should work out how to handle house upkeep and upgrades that have been done. ( The ones he has not chipped in for, carpet, Gardner's and landscaping, cleaning gutters, tree trimming) I added that I could really use the money refund on the boat and RV. Told him to get his thoughts together and we could go over next month.

Money stresses me out, but I do really feel these things need to be gone over as this looks to be a long term separation and I am shelling out a lot of money on my own.

H replied that he has no problem helping with house upkeep and hopes I don't think he is unwilling to help.

I replied, that would be a huge relief, that he never offered so I wasn't sure how to handle it. I said I don't really know what is going on, some enlightenment would be great, we really need to go over some things.

He replied, he offered help with the stove, termite, half of after school care and $1300 a month, that he has never complained, that it's unfair to say he never offered.

I told him, texting this stuff is terrible, hard to read, that I am not upset or complaining. I told him I think it is time to go over finances and plans, and I am approaching him with that. I said I appreciate his offering to help with the things he has, but there are other things done that need to be addressed. It's time to touch base, either by text or email if he prefers, but face to face avoids misinterpretation. I said, I don't want to fight, I think this time has been a really good thing for both of us, and still is. I said it would just be nice to communicate about the elephant in the room, clear the air a little, and clue each other in.

He said he agreed, in person is better, he is not upset either, he just didn't want me to think he doesn't want to or won't help.

Ok, the "help" word was getting to me. Yes, he was being very nice, as always, but he is not some big shot making six figures and "helping" out his estranged wife he got tired of who can't take care of herself. Oh no, that is not me. I needed to give a truth dart.

I said, hmmmm, weelllll. I would not say you are "helping" me. You are paying what you are responsible for, the $1300 is 1/2 the mortgage you signed up for, nothing more, and I am not asking for anything more than what you owe. And I do appreciate that you honor that, many men don't without being forced. (No offense, you guys on here rock)

Some of you may think I took that the wrong way, but I have always gotten the vibe he thinks he is helping me by sending that check every month. No, that is nothing more than what he owes for the mortgage. I fully feed and clothe my son, except what he buys him, pay for field trips and school projects and fully take care of all home utilities and upkeep on my own.

He replied ok? Then talking in person is better. Then he followed up with, if this has been a "really good thing" for both of us.... "and still is"...then it must have helped you somehow?


Well lookie there! I got him intrigued? He actually wants to know what I think or feel about something??

It may have been better to think that one out, but I didn't. I replied, it has helped me in many ways. I am me again, but kinder, more patient, and have learned to appreciate the small things and the ones I love, and most of all, to let them know it. How about you?

S and I got to his house before he could answer, but he mentioned he was going to go erase the text he was about to send. I said why, about what? He said, in answer of a few texts before....whatever that meant. I didn't pry, just said again we should get together to talk in person.

So, I do plan on following through to follow up on expenses he owes me, and assets that I have money tied up in, but no access to. (Boat and RV are at his dad's tow yard, convenient for him) We will see if he ever responds to his question to me.

I have been wanting to address this stuff for awhile, feels good to finally have done it. And I am not scared! Not scared of him getting mad, not scared of what he might say, I feel so ready to deal with some things.