Ups and Downs (III)

[Zues126]

J, I can't speak to your WAH, but just from my perspective...

When you speak like you did in your last post, owning your mistakes, striving to do better, regretting the hurt you caused H, and saying that if you could do it again you would have heard what he had to say and done what you could to have made it more of a priority...this is very, very appealing. I find myself thinking "Boy, if I could find a woman like this maybe I wouldn't rule out the possibility of another relationship one day".

When I hear you talk about how screwed up H is, how unreasonable he was during the M, how he was impossible to please, how the issues are obviously his since he walked, excusing your behavior because of kids or problems, etc, that's when I find myself thinking "I couldn't feel safe partnering with someone like that".

Now, those are just thoughts, that doesn't mean it's true. Your H isn't me. And as I've learned in 2015, nothing is black and white. You're not a catch or a failure. You're not perfect or horrible. And a good partner will love you, cherish you, and STAY BY YOUR SIDE for better or for worse, and not bail on you because your personal growth didn't happen on their timelines.

I simply believe that the more time you can spend with the perspective you had in the last write up the better. I am superstitious in that I believe that what you think and hold in your heart will come through, somehow, someway, and H will feel it. It's good that you bite your tongue instead of making snide comments. What would be even better is if you somehow could maintain this perspective so when H said/did something that would normally make you WANT to make a passive aggressive comment, instead you were truly not bothered because you saw things from a compassionate, safe, secure, detached, and confident standpoint. In other words, it's the difference between controlling your temper and not getting angry at him for being him.

Again, not possible to stay there all the time, but I think that's a good place to strive for.

That all said, I will reiterate that walking from a marriage is a horrible thing, and I am not defending his choices in any way. I think it's totally reasonable to be disgusted with this choice. I am not asking you not to feel that way, nor to stifle any of the feelings that come about it.

I do think that compartmentalizing is a good thing. In other words, if you can view him as an overall good person that just made one horrible choice, that might be more useful than to think that because he made this horrible choice he has been a horrible person all along and rewrite history. That is why I try to tell LBSs not to diagnose their spouses.

Anyway, this is just what I do with XW. I think she is an attractive, smart, caring, fairly mature woman, that could've been a great partner, had she not had the fatal flaw of being willing to hit the BD button when things got difficult. She has never looked back so clearly this is a deal breaker. Still, I have separated the crime of filing D from the rest of who she is. Doesn't mean I want her in my life as a friend, but I can see that the years we spent together were a positive overall in my life, and that the love we had was real, and that she is a good person that has fallen for the divorce trap in our society, and I have some compassion for her. And I definitely see where I contributed to the situation that led her to that decision, even if I see her making that decision as a failing.

J, none of this is written in DR, just my thoughts, reactions, and sharing the goals I have for myself in my interactions with WAS as well. I'm a huge fan. And when I read your last post I just want to tell you to keep on that road, because it's super awesome.