The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

Hello everyone.

I'd never thought I'd be the one to file. I really don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. I could forgive an EA, but I draw the line at PA. There isn't any need for anyone to kid themselves - by the time the A happens, the marriage is long gone. If it weren't, the A wouldn't have happened.

Anyway, after a lot of reflection, I feel as if this marriage was nothing but a fraud or sham. The reason I say this is because she never told - or even hinted at - me of the abuse she suffered going back to when she was in her early childhood. Something to which I was only made aware of after the BD. How can it be a true and honest marriage if things like that were never revealed? She said that I should have known how to do things - but one can't miss the cracks if one doesn't know they are there.

But even after all that, I'm still torn. For 10 years she was not only my best friend, but everything I thought was right. The sad thing is, I never knew so many things. As much as it bothers me to say this, I'm not quite so sure the level of hate is unrecoverable. I do know that it's because of the kids that I don't hit send and ruin her world. Maybe she needs that, but I know the kids don't. They still believe in her. I mean, she isn't a total bad mom, but she definitely doesn't deserve them.

I find it a struggle to just to smile. The coming fight is going to be something I'm not looking for. I don't want to destroy her, but I'm afraid that may happen. For some silly, stupid reason I still have a soft spot for her.

But I do know that she has created a non- trusting monster in me. I don't know how I got to this place, and I don't like it. I'm not sure That part will ever return. For 10years I hung onto what she said and believed it all. And now I look at how everything was a lie. It's almost like fraud was committed, and that is a most bothersome thing indeed.