Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[Pyrite]

Hi Py

Nice to hear from you! Firstly, I think we both knew that your W's R with the 'Passport Chaser' wouldn't last.

hey mate, i'm really glad you replied. I was worried I might have been a bit harsh. but Suppose apart from being a tough Scottish lad, you have been through much worse


How are you doing? Judging from the above statement, it doesn't look like you have any chance of R. Has she asked to talk to you?

Wife is living with OM. I even get to see him sometimes. No chance of R here. She hasn't asked to talk me to me at all. Frankly, I am not interested anymore. All the past stories - I still have at least one per week BTW. Now that I am free of the "love spell", I can see it so clearly. I absolutely have my own faults, and I don't discount these, but W is bordering on sociopathic. Almost all of my friends have commented that she always was a bit odd, but she came across as basically sweet and naive and I seemed happy, so they all let it be.

How are the kids?

The kids are great . She lied through her teeth in court proceedings, and I was lucky to get back to 60/40 custody. Still, that is insanely lucky compared to most fathers. I am cut because apart from breast feeding I did the parenting, and still do. I just had them for 9 nights straight over the Easter and school holidays. After a few days I realised that I hadn't thought of W at all, and in fact I would much rather life to be just me and the kids, no W. Saddly, tonight they are back with their Mum and I am alone. We had a ball though. Last night we camped out in the living room. My (now) 5 year old still wants to live with me. Apart from her 5 year old reasons, it is basically because I treat her like a kid, not a baby. For e.g. W still brushes her teeth, dresses her, bathes her. I teach her, let her do it herself. Same in the playground etc - BUT there are boundaries. Part of W's sociopathic nature and big part of S is that she "needs" the kids to be dependent on her. I always argued (and lost) that this is not going to help them when they hit school/life - and guess what has happened!!

I hear what you're saying and, you're right, of course I'm 'waiting' for her to change her mind. You get subtle hints from time to time that all is not well and that she is regretting her choice. Why am I waiting? Well, it's like this, I don't want to give up on an R. I'm not, however, sat around wringing my hands, doing nothing etc. I am proactive in getting myself fit and in the correct shape/mindset for an R with whoever is next. I am hoping it is my W, but if not, I have to be ready for the next R.

While you are hoping it is your W, I don't think you are preparing yourself at all for another R. (whack, whack 2*4).

Early on at DB I got the lecture about any R with W would be a new R, not the old one, not even glued back together. Of course their is going to be history but it will be a new R. So take her off the pedestal sandpit her back down on the same rung as the new girl at work (or whoever).

You will know that with kids, you can't go dark. That, of course, is a problem as I don't feel that they can truly feel loss, as you are in contact/seeing each other when you swap over etc.

Unfortunately I do know. This was a big problem for me in the beginning. In my case I noticed that she didn't even give [censored] if I was dark or pale yellow. She was just delirious. Some of the [censored] - OMFG! But yeah - inevitable contact makes for a minefield.

In a way, I sometimes wish that she was having an A,

This I can empathise with

and that could help in her seeing her loss.

but not this! Huddy, if she was in the middle of an A she doesn't see any loss, only riddance and gain.

Maybe someone has an answer to 'providing loss' in a childcare situation?

Dude - whack whack again - you are hurting yourself over and over again - you are trying to snap her out of it!! snap YOU out of it!!

OK - you make sense - to me - but guess what - not to her you don't. You make as much sense as the idiots you both criticised while watching the news together 5 years ago - "WTF are those guys thinking?", you said. Andy were in agreement. Now you are those idiots. MIL and SIL are watching the Huddy channel and saying "WTF is he thinking?"



As for GALing, it's on an 'as and when basis'. I'm not out every night, but am enjoying the gym, if only to see how the knuckleheads perform in front of the mirrors! I'm bust at work and with the kids, so it would be difficult to fit anting else in.

I don't mean to distract you from this at all. good stuff.


Depression, getting low, however, I do find to be something to watch out for. Quiet times lend my mind to wander and I have to watch for that. I'm probably not a perfect DB'er by any stretch of the imagination, but, I don't feel ready to give up on my M; I feel we can repair our R, but I just wish I had a solution to break the limboland feeling I have.

"the limbo land feeling that YOU have".

OK lets start here - i don't want to sound like I have the answers or I am an expert who is qualified to give advice. I have been "around" this area, this beautiful, grassy parkland, bullshit, WAS area.

Focus. It is all about focus. Not being focused on a goal but whatever it is you're focused on. Right now you are focused on your W. That is clear. That is admirable and I envy that you do or ever had such a beautiful love in your life. But focus. So many points of advice start from the top down, but I think it is more useful to start from the bottom up.

Get comfortable, however that is and take a deep breath in and exhale with the same force. Just do this for starters. When you are ready, breath in and imagine that you are breathing in all the energy that was meant for Huddy, all the things that make you feel good, whatever they are and exhale all the bad stuff that has accumulated inside you. Even this can be broken down into a million parts and can be the focus for years.

When you are mildly relaxed, it is probably effective to begin to explore focus. You can do this anywhere, in your home, on the train, with a CD, etc. My favourite is the beach or a mountain stream with a waterfall. On the beach I first focus on the waves, the water. Then the wind. Then the sounds around, the birds, the kids playing, the people walking. Then I feel the wind. I feel the sunlight. Where it strikes me. I feel the cool/warmth. One by one. Then return to your breath. Then go around and around. Guarantee you it won't take long before you can sense all these things individually.

OK - so the [censored] what. The point is that each one of these external things have been perceived by you,and enhanced when you focused on them. The Buddha describes every little event as a "dependent arising". There is nothing religious or god like about this. The Buddha simply asserts that "our lives" are made up of dependent arisings. So yeah- from the top down you might say "It is not what life deals you, it is how you deal with it". The point is that when you can experience this from the bottom up - "the sun is warm on the right side of my face, the winds cold from the left, the kids playing behind me, each chord of the birds, the shark patrol airplane above (Australia remember )" - It makes it much ....simpler, to deal with the more complicated "dependent arisings".