Some small positives there. You seemed to have caught her at one of her vulnerable moments, enjoy it. I don't think it was bad dring form to say the ILY comment, after all she brought it up.
Remember she just heard you, she is listening. She is going to deny it at first, but she definitely heard you. It may not pay off now, but trust that it will help in the future. Every positive thing you do that touches her heart will first have a negative and even angry response. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as your intent was good it most likely will be recognized as long as you are sincere.
Thanks for the words of encouragement from the sensitive side of my male brain.
I'll say this much for W, she never leaves me at a loss for soemthing to say. This morning started poorly because I had changed the paswords on our credit card online statements several months ago, and W thought I was hiding things (which I am--DB coaching). I stated calmly that I change them every few months for security and said I'd work to get her back up.
Later, she started telling me about the beach houses she liked, how they were more expensive then she hoped, and the potential for renting for four weeks instead of three. It was as animated an exchange as any we've had in at least a month (I'll have to check).
We then hurried off to church, and when we got back, we talked about the cost of a beach house and our outdoor pool. To be honest, it's more than we can afford--and this forced me to drop the S bomb. Basically, I told W where I live forces the affordability issue. If I move out and sdend and extra $2500/per month, then a beach house is not affordable. She just looked at me distressed.
We then went to her aunt's house for easter dinner and somewhere just after the Masters ended, there was shouting in the kitchen between W and her father (FIL). Evidently, it had something to do with the problems of W's other sister, but W said to her father that unless you had a perfect family with three kids (W's Brother and SIL), then W's parents didn't car about them. FIL was practically crying and yelled to W "Go to hell; you don't know how good you have it," and FIL and MIL left shortly thereafter.
W went out for a bit and remained pleasant. But I knew the storm would arrive when we got home--which it did. In fact, as soon as the door closed behind us at her aunt's house, the scowl arrived. W was snarly, mad, and nasty, but fortunately she stormed out. So here I sit and type. The only good thing in this is that FIL/MIL may turn their attention to W's issues and realize that my leaving is not the solution for now. But that's too much wishful thinking.
Well my friend, the good news is that at least she isn't aiming her Alien Death Rays at only you. Could it be that she's learned to act the way she did with her parent's? That maybe she's been this way all her life? That she has a knack for putting up one hell of a facade?
Remember the little chat we had in DC? We have the same W's I think. They act the same pretty much. I may have something that could help here. I cannot diagnose my W or yours but I can give you a website that helps us deal with the fallout from the hell of this certain disease.
Check it out and tell me if it helps. It has helped me cope a bit better and made me see that I was not crazy. The part in all your posts that got me was the one in which she denied saying something to you. That is what my W did to me and drove me insane. It is part of what makes women with this disease numb, they don't truly remember saying things.
Check out the link and read up a bit. I've been kinda anonomous about the subject for certain reasons. Check it out and tell me what you make of all this.
DB Coach Laurie suggested BPD, but I'm not sure. I've read a lot about various psychosis, and if they say someone must exhibit at least five traits, W seems to exhibit four for all of them! But something is going on, she berates the kids for engaging in behavior that she engages in all the time. And it may be socialization/hereditary. Her father is one of the most giving and caring people I know, but he is also very short with those who upset him and speaks his mind regardless of how it might affect the feelings of others. My W is very much like this, but with a female's heighthened emotional needs (Ladies,please don't throw any gender bias boms at me).
We had a bit of a tussle this morning. I slept on the couch and she came to me seeking comfort on what happened yesterday, but I read it as another R talk on what's wrong with us and backed off--for which she called me to task for not acting like her friend. I swallowed my pride and said that I misunderstood, but she did go into an R talk about why it can't work, she has no love, etc. When she asked me what I felt, I took KAW's (I think) advice and laid a big kiss on her lips and hug--to which she replied that's what i tried before and it didn't work and that my touching her made her skin crawl.
Then she said I should kiss her like I really feel--so I just gently kissed her on the forehead. She said, I just kissed her like one of her friends, to which I replied, "That's right!"
Beyond trying to engage her this morning, I made two other arguable mistakes. First was when she said it was important to maintain positive feelings with all relatives because when we split, we'll still do family events. I said that when we split, the family events I plan to attend are those with MY family--our kids and my new wife. The second was when she asked me if I thought this was the life she wanted--that she wanted to our M to work, but it just wasn't possible and I had to show her. At this, I raised C again and that took us down another cheeseless tunnel about how a C can "fix" things. It was as if I opened the door to that tunnel, realized my mistake, but W kept pushing me through the door while I resisted.
Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now, but learn again and move forward. W feels the whole world is judging her unfairly and it makes her unhappy (another psychosis). I also think I've gotten her attention and that can't be a bad thing. But for now, I can only take care of myself.
Just wanted to stop by and see how you fared over the weekend. Sounds like you've had a tough one, so I'll lean over and give you a hug (((((Merrick))))).
I really don't have anything to offer other than an ear and support. Hopefully, your path will smooth out here shortly.
Hugs,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Merrick, first I'd like to congratulate you on the 8 wks w/out an outburst! Second, I'd like to say "atta boy" on the hug and kiss. Even though she didn't take to it very well, it probably stirred more emotion on her and was something DIFFERENT! And you got a good response in the fact that she brought out the "friend" kiss.
I see that you are driving down a new path. One which is making her think in regards to the S and how the $ will be an issue if she persists on it which would hinder the ability to rent a beach house. These are all things that will make her sit back and think. And the fact that you mentioned the "family" events...what is that??? My H is thinking along the same lines as your W-can you say WTF??? I don't know how they could consider family events if a M is not in tact at that point-just proves the point that they are not quite ready to severe all ties.
Not sure I added to anything here but Merrick I think you have made some strides. Maybe changing the conversation to those things that you've thought about as she has bellowed them at you will give her food for thought. IMHO, until she releases some of her anger and hostility that her life is not going "according to plan" I would have to guess that you will be struggling w/her outbursts and fear for a while. (sounds strangely like my H's concepts) Keep on hanging. You're a great person for putting up w/the anguish that you take and I hope you get out for yourself on occassion.
p.s. I have thought about calling Eddy w/wife present but wouldn't want to create an added heat for him. It would be a good mysterious thing though...LOL Tootles.......
(On bended knee, of course. I hope you don't mind that I'm in my workout clothes.)
If you agree, we can watch sports every single night of the week. Hell, I'll even bring you your slippers and a mug of beer. And I think I can make room in the house for an Islanders fan. I know all the cable lineup for sports, and if you take me to a few live games, I'll be happier than a pig in crap... and when the games are over, I promise interesting, encouraging and enlightening conversation.
Please, won't you be mine?
Betsey
p.s. Can I get a GO AVS?????
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Go Avs!!! But what happened in the 3rd and OT? My Isles lost, but I'll be back on Wednesday.
Today wasn't a great DBing day--I completely ignored the advice I gave Eddy and engaged in a phone discussion with W on where we were. C or no C? What willl a C do? How come we can't go back to the original C? I don't love you. How can a C chnage someone's feelings? My standard reply, which W hates--is to say you have two choices: stay and work on the M or D--and you have chosen D.
W said that we could be in better place as a family apart. I said when we D, I have no intention of doing things with her. I later sincerly retracted this as an emotional outburst. However, my other great move was to say that C didn't work before because W was in the midst of a "love affair." To my surprise, W didn't react angrily, but said can I blame her for looking someplace else for an R? Hmmmm.
Actually, to be honest, it wasn't that horrible a day. I think there was only a minor backslide--if any. I just pushed the envelop a little too far in interacting with her to see how far I could go--and learned I've got a long, long way to go. Lesson learned and I'm so detached right now that this was not unexpected.
DB Coach Laurie said my goal could be to live in the house with my kids and just deal with W as it comes. That's what I need to go focus on for now--because W will come out of her cave at her own pace. Back to the drawing board.
Betsey--I like your proposal . I joked with one of my friends that if I could find a nice girl who likes going to Yankee and Islander games, I'd grant W her D in five minutes. The Avs and event he Broncos are okay, but those darn Rockies play in the miserable National League. You gotta draw the line somewhere!
<Sputtering> But I don't like the National League! I'm a diehard Orioles fan... and I also love the A's. Why the rejection? Because I despise the Yankees? Well, if you say so...
I feel so... unloved. Gee, thanks. And I thought you really knew me.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Second, I'd like to say "atta boy" on the hug and kiss. Even though she didn't take to it very well, it probably stirred more emotion on her and was something DIFFERENT! And you got a good response in the fact that she brought out the "friend" kiss.
Tootles....... 
