1. S falls in love (or thinks that they do) with OP 2. They feel guilty about those feelings (most act on them) 3. They feel that marriage is then not for them if they're able to love someone else 4. D is the only way out of a marriage 5. BOMB DROP DAY!
Number One - "S FALLS in love (or thinks they do) with OP" - Falling in love with someone not your spouse isn't something that happens accidentally. It's not like she tripped on a crack in the sidewalk or was hit by a car out of no where. "FALLING IN LOVE" with someone not your spouse is the end result of a series of choices, many of which have occurred many times over the years and often involve an lack of compression about and inability to erect and maintain proper boundaries around the opposite sex, the inability to discern facts/reality from fantasy and often a obsessive need for admiration (admiration junkies). Using the term or excuse "well, she just fell in love" minimizes the culpability of the participants. She had no right to "fall in love" with anyone else not her spouse and it's not like this guy just fell out the sky and bumped into her and she had no choice but to fall in love with him. The fact he resisted her romantic interests demonstrates just how much she didn't actually know him but rather fell in love with the idea of him. She loved how he made her feel about herself. Other than that....he could have been anyone. He wasn't special but it's certainly awesome he didn't reciprocate and wasn't playing the game (as many OM's that intentionally target, manipulate and bed married women do).
The other part of your theories are kind of correct. Their feelings follow their actions. Then when what they feel conflicts with realty it becomes much easier to modify their feelings even more to suit their chosen actions than to change their a actions in that moment. They don't necessary think "marriage is not for them if they're able to love someone else"....it's more akin to thinking like a drug addict who says "I know this is wrong and bad for me and want to quit but there is nothing I won't do TODAY to spend time with and be with OM". Anyone that interferes with that unrealistic, hurtful and ultimately destructive choice is the bad guy and must be either ignored, manipulated or blamed for my behavior so I can continue this behavior for another day, week, month...whatever it takes.
It's easier to changes your values, beliefs and feelings than your actions.
As far as "D being the only way out of the marriage" - I think it tends to be "D is the only way to get my BS to back off and give me time to figure out what I want which I can only figure out by spending more time with OM and it's also a way I can manipulate the system to give me everything I want, custody of my kids, child support, the house (with BH out of it), alimony, etc....so I can continue my relationship with OM undeterred while blaming my BH for everything. It's kind of a twist on words but I don't think the wayward wife is thinking as much about how her "way out" as her "way in" to a relationship/marriage with OM. If D makes that more possible - the D it is. If OM is married, wants to stay married and would prefer his "paramour" remain married and supported by her betrayed husband, then that's the way she'll play it.
In your case....OM showed no interest in her romantically because she was a married woman. What some wayward wives do in that situation is file for divorce thinking that if they were only single - OM might love them. They blame their BH for ruining their relationship with their new soulmate and they file for divorce anyway. This happens especially where a well meaning guy like OM in your situation tries to let them down easy by saying "I think you are terrific too, but I'm a Christian and you are married so I don't want to interfere in your marriage and won't date you while you are married". So the wayward has to file divorce not as her way out but as her way to TRY to save her affair hoping that having filed divorce will be enough to entice OM to keep things going (which sometimes works because they tell OM how abused they've been by you and he feels responsible and wants to feel like a hero saving her from her now awful betrayed husband who is so controlling).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
