Jjb, hmmmmm... Does your h have a twin? He sounds too much like my xh! Xh compares me to his mum, but he doesnt realise that his mum does not work and can afford live-in help.
As for me, I have always told him that I am not domestic. I will like to ask if you have a long-lost twin too.
There seems to be a distinction between our (x)h's needs and love languages. I suspect that we can keep the house clean enough to eat off the floors but the clean floors would never be aphrodisiacs to (x)h. However, they get mighty unhappy if we don't meet this need.
Xh'S ll is physical touch, but he doesn't realise that by fulfilling his need for domesticity, there is only so much of me left for other aspects of our lives. Something has to go. For me, it was easier to meet his need for domesticity than his need for physical touch due to the resentment from not having my own needs met.
Thinking back, perhaps things would have been better if I had tried harder to meet his need for PT instead of concentrating mostly on domesticity?
My xh says that I have done nothing for him. Hurtful? Extremely. But I finally realised he felt that I had never been physical enough for him and I had never given him enough words of affirmation.
If I had known his ll, I could have reclaimed so much of my life from chores.
What do you think is your h's ll? Could that be what he's asking for?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Jjb, for Lim's case, I think the situation turned around because the A was exposed and it imploded. It helped that the OM wanted to work things out with his wife.
The fantasy bubble burst.
I don't think it was the filing of D that shook Lim's wife out of her A fog.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I can't change things. And the truth is I wanted husband to be part of our lives. He felt pressured by me pushing for that.
I do not feel like there is anything I can do anymore. Husband has been withdrawing for years. He does not want a family life. He does not want marriage. He is obviously not interested in me In any aspect.., emotionally, physically, intellectually.
He is in opposition to everything I say.
He was angry but I think it's becoming indifference (I am still angry at his indifference but working on it). I am trying to analyze why...his foo issues, financial stress, living with my parents. But it doesn't matter because he doesn't want it.
I am simply not making it worse right now by pursuing, being cooperative when it does not take advantage of me or kids, and holding my tongue.
What else is there?
some members file for divorce and WAS turns around (recently happened with LIM). Why is it not true for me as well?
J, you are correct that there is nothing you can 'do' to bring him back. You are doing the right things in detaching, moving forward with your life, and working on some 180s.
Quote:
Of course I would have done things differently! Hindsite is 20/20. There was a time we could have made it work when both of us were vested. At the time though sleep deprivation and my anxiety and post partum depression took over.
The reason I asked 'would you do anything differently' is that I don't see it. I see your references to how impossible and unreasonable he was in his expectations, referring to neurotic housekeeping standards and talking about family of origin. In response to my question you don't speak of how you'd do things differently, you just say 'yes' and then talk about the reasons why you did what you did.
If your H is crazy and neurotic and sociopathic and narcissistic, then there is nothing you can do. He is just a 'bad apple' and you were treated unfairly and never had a chance.
If you are plagued by depression and anxiety and sleep deprivation and negativity and you can't change, then there's nothing you can do, you were just dealt a bad hand in life and were set up by God to fail.
But if you want to DB, then I'd recommend recognizing the underlying needs your H had the neglect of which drove him to the breaking point and taking responsibility for your own behavior that contributed to him being there.
See, you may not be able to 'bring him back', but I believe your attitude and outlook is broadcasted through things like your words, your inflection, body language, and just those little subtleties that account for 90% of our communication with each other. You may not interact with H much, but it comes through, no doubt. I am picking up the same outlook and same stuff from every post, sometimes it comes through even in things you don't say. And I barely know you.
So when WAH who was your life partner for many years and knows you intimately is tuned in, with his spider senses honed probing to test whether he is safe with you, whether his needs could be understood and prioritized, whether you realize the pain that he lived in and why he had to leave, only to pick up clues of dismissal and excuses and judgment, well, you're right. He will not be interested in marriage with you.
I'm not suggesting he was right to leave, or that he didn't have alternatives that were better than to destroy a family. I'm not denying your right to grieve your loss, and to be entitled to have your emotions of pain and anger. I'm simply saying that those emotions can either blind you or empower you. Your choice.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My xh says that I have done nothing for him. Hurtful? Extremely. But I finally realised he felt that I had never been physical enough for him and I had never given him enough words of affirmation.
If I had known his ll, I could have reclaimed so much of my life from chores.
What do you think is your h's ll? Could that be what he's asking for?
I hate to post again so soon for fear of detracting from my last post, but wanted to quote this. These are good questions asking again to the root of the underlying issues.
See, our WAS's are confused, overwhelmed by pain and loss. They can't articulate the pain they feel, and they may not even understand why they hurt so badly, or what was missing. They may think it was clean floors, but that was just a symptom of another problem.
But when a baby cries we don't roll our eyes and shrug and say 'crying, really, that's so unhelpful, why isn't baby expressing himself maturely, he's so narcissistic'. No. We realize that baby needs something and we figure it out. It's not that complicated. But when WAS cries we condemn how unreasonable they are.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I can't agree with your comparison. A grown man is like a baby? Unable to express his needs in language? That's just not right. And I can promise you that for a woman, there's no bigger turnoff than feeling like her husband's mother...
Last edited by Cadet; 04/11/1605:16 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
If you asked a WAS they would say they have tried every possible way of articulating their needs and their feelings for years and that it fell on deaf ears. They would say the LBS is the one with the FOO/psychological issues and they are detaching and getting off the roller coaster and trying to give themselves a chance to meet someone that can be in a relationship that is fulfilling.
Maybe a better analogy is that the baby did talk maturely for years, but was ignored, and now is crying out of frustration and being dismissed and diagnosed.
So the most important 180 for a LBS is to actually hear and validate their partners needs. Not to latch on to the unreasonableness of their spew that doesn't make sense and ignore the truth behind much of what they are saying. Because I can promise that for a man there is no bigger turn off than to open up only to be ignored like they are a whiny child.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
These were the things my husband was unhappy with and voiced.
1. I did not work full time 2. I was always negative. I would have done this differently and am working on this now. It's even more challenging now because of circumstances, but something I am really working on. 3. My anxiety. My fears and obsessions of illnesses and children's safety etc. were very real to me but annoying to husband. I would have worked on it. I think it also has something to do with negative thinking. 4. Housework. If I lived in my own house/apt this would be a priority because it's nice to be organized. 5. We cannot communicate with each other. ****** THIS WAS HIS MAJOR COMPLAINT. I know I would get angry and instead of communicating appropriately i would just make a nasty passive aggressive comment. This is something I have done a complete 180 on. No more comments.
6. I did not dress up for him. I always went out in sweatpants. I have been doing this now, but he doesn't see me anyway so it makes no difference.
Things that husband did not voice, but I would have done differently
1. More flirting 2. Accepted him for what he was. When I needed him to change in order for family to function better as unit, I would have approached it differently so it would come across less as a criticism more as a team decision making. Communicate without criticism. I was way too demanding. Needed to let him come to me, instead of making demands. This would make me come across as way more attractive. 3. Combined finances so we would be working as team. This transparency would have made for less resentments on both our parts. 4. Would have went out with my friends more. This would have made me less clingy and demanding of his time. 5. In my mind I unfairly blamed him for things that were not necessarily his fault. This led to resentments 6. Listened to him more. I remember going way overboard with kids parties. He tried to talk to me about it and I just did not listen. Then after party was over I realized he was right. I admitted to him that he was, but should have listened more and implemented.
At this point, all he wants is space from me. And basically that is what I am doing. I stopped asking him about what his plans are regarding reconciliation, etc. I am remaining polite and cooperative when I can. If there was anything else I could do I would do it.
He was unhappy? So what did he do to change that? How much happiness did he bring into the R on a daily basis? Was he relying on you to make him happy?
I think happiness comes from the inside, for the most part.
It sounds like his wish and failure to enforce his standards onto you is what made him unhappy.
I think this was actually both of our issues. Right now I am trying to transform all of my negative thinking patterns to positive thinking because I think it is how I can be happy from within. I am trying with meditatio/hypnosis. I will actually see a hypnotist tomorrow. Am still leery of counselors that take insurance.
After kids were born, I went through depression and blamed Unhappiness on husband. I think he was doing that to me before he left.
