Ups and downs (II)

[Zues126]

I can't change things. And the truth is I wanted husband to be part of our lives. He felt pressured by me pushing for that.

I do not feel like there is anything I can do anymore. Husband has been withdrawing for years. He does not want a family life. He does not want marriage. He is obviously not interested in me In any aspect.., emotionally, physically, intellectually.

He is in opposition to everything I say.

He was angry but I think it's becoming indifference (I am still angry at his indifference but working on it). I am trying to analyze why...his foo issues, financial stress, living with my parents. But it doesn't matter because he doesn't want it.

I am simply not making it worse right now by pursuing, being cooperative when it does not take advantage of me or kids, and holding my tongue.

What else is there?

some members file for divorce and WAS turns around (recently happened with LIM). Why is it not true for me as well?

J, you are correct that there is nothing you can 'do' to bring him back. You are doing the right things in detaching, moving forward with your life, and working on some 180s.

Of course I would have done things differently! Hindsite is 20/20. There was a time we could have made it work when both of us were vested. At the time though sleep deprivation and my anxiety and post partum depression took over.

The reason I asked 'would you do anything differently' is that I don't see it. I see your references to how impossible and unreasonable he was in his expectations, referring to neurotic housekeeping standards and talking about family of origin. In response to my question you don't speak of how you'd do things differently, you just say 'yes' and then talk about the reasons why you did what you did.

If your H is crazy and neurotic and sociopathic and narcissistic, then there is nothing you can do. He is just a 'bad apple' and you were treated unfairly and never had a chance.

If you are plagued by depression and anxiety and sleep deprivation and negativity and you can't change, then there's nothing you can do, you were just dealt a bad hand in life and were set up by God to fail.

But if you want to DB, then I'd recommend recognizing the underlying needs your H had the neglect of which drove him to the breaking point and taking responsibility for your own behavior that contributed to him being there.

See, you may not be able to 'bring him back', but I believe your attitude and outlook is broadcasted through things like your words, your inflection, body language, and just those little subtleties that account for 90% of our communication with each other. You may not interact with H much, but it comes through, no doubt. I am picking up the same outlook and same stuff from every post, sometimes it comes through even in things you don't say. And I barely know you.

So when WAH who was your life partner for many years and knows you intimately is tuned in, with his spider senses honed probing to test whether he is safe with you, whether his needs could be understood and prioritized, whether you realize the pain that he lived in and why he had to leave, only to pick up clues of dismissal and excuses and judgment, well, you're right. He will not be interested in marriage with you.

I'm not suggesting he was right to leave, or that he didn't have alternatives that were better than to destroy a family. I'm not denying your right to grieve your loss, and to be entitled to have your emotions of pain and anger. I'm simply saying that those emotions can either blind you or empower you. Your choice.