These past few yewrs, all my husband wanted from me was for me to leave him alone. To not make demands on him to spend time with son and I. To allow him a separate life with his mother, job, and friends. This was my main criticism of husband. He wanted independence, solitude and productivity (hes an only child and his father was like that) and I wanted a companion and friend to do things with. Maybe I was needy. I don't know. But his big issue was that I was always complaining about this and felt like I was trying to control and force him to do things he did not want to do.
When we were living with my parents I kept asking him to go away on a trip together to rekindle and have a chance for intimacy. His argument was he needed to save money to get out of our situation and that he didn't want to spend money in case he couldn't perform. 2 weeks later he went on a weekend trip with a friend to go to concerts. I was upset and he viewed it as me being controlling.
Right now I am actually giving him what he wants no?
Juju, once again I could have written word for word what you say here. Wanting to be alone, spending his time off working on projects, doing fun stuff with friends, or watching TV and reading. Feeling controlled and forced if I suggested anything.
(I got him to go on one weekend trip and later found out he was texting with OW the entire time.)
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
4. I did nothing for him...taking care of kids was not for him. (I disagree with this and feel that he does not know how much of a job it is to be responsible for young one)
J, that sounds dreamy to me. I wish I could've spent more quality time with my W when we were M. We only went on two vacations together in 10 years. We rarely did anything together. It was never possible because of the kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, can't do it, can't leave them, can't, can't, can't, until I finally lived my own life because I didn't have an alternative.
But independence is one thing...what is H referring to when he talks about how you did nothing for him? Obviously he wouldn't be saying this if he really wanted nothing from you other than space, right?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I believe he was referring to house work. He complained because he said his coworkers wives all did their laundry for them. When we moved in together he always wanted to separate laundry because he didn't want me to touch his clothes cause he liked them done a certain way and he was afraid I would shrink them
During our marriage counseling we were supposed to list 3 of our needs and then we were supposed to choose one if those needs to meet for our partner. Mine was date night once a week. His was, he wanted me to clean the kitchen floor 3x/ week. (Marriage counselor helped make it more doable as the other ones were clean entire house etc.
He resented me because I was only working part time and he felt like the house should be spotless because I wasn't working full time. (Was a limit since it's also my parents home.) I think he was getting more busy at work and maybe resenting me because he felt like I didn't have it as hard as him ?
This is something he constantly brings up. His mother's home is spotless. The right utensils are always used etc. I did not grow up like this. He was not the cleanest on his own either. I remember before moving in with him I was always coming over and cleaning the dirty dishes in the sink. So it's a weird resentment .
I feel like it was unfair of him to make this complaint because often times I would make dinner and it would be left uneaten in fridge because he picked up takout. Or he would frequently forget lunch in fridge.
I agree with you, Zues - it's a 2-way street and both have to change. We can only change ourselves, and the DB-process is a wonderful tool for self-improvement.
If our spouses don't want to be a part of the change, we're happier alone and they risk losing us for good. I left today for what I think will be a happier life for me, but still made it clear to H that although he closed all other paths than this for now, I stand for the M and am in no hurry to D. I suspect, though, that OW is in the wings waiting.
At this point, I am mostly upset with H for not trying, for giving up, for turning to OW instead of focusing on improving the M.
It is very important to put the kids second to the R. They are needy, but it's healthy for them to see two parents who put each other first. A husband can take charge in that situation, by expressing a need for time alone with the W and take care of the practical details. He can arrange for family to take care of children for a night, or a weekend of pampering and rest for both. If the W is unwilling to let go, talk seriously - involve a MC. Don't just pull away and let resentment build.
This was not an issue in my M, but the resentment from unmet needs was. H was even jealous at how I treat the pets! I think we all have the responsibility to express our needs and create a situation where they can be met.
I missed this post initially. An Painter you are right. There was a lot both me and my husband could have done differently.
My husband knows where I stand. I have communicated with him numerous times that I wanted to work on reconciliation and that I was willing to make compromises. His response was " I feel like I compromised for so long with so many things but I was unhappy. Neither of us should have to compromise on happiness"
There is absolutely nothing I could do at this point. Husband has been slowly withdrawing for years. He has been so done for so long.
It is very hard for me to come to terms with this. But I have NO choice in the matter.
Can I ask you a question J? To do it over, would you do anything differently? Or do you think you did the best you could and WAH is just unreasonable?
When I read your posts it seems like the latter. You talk about how WAH is wrong to not feel your love through your caretaking the children. And this isn't the first time you've referred to how much work taking care of the children is, usually in the context of implying that WAH needs to understand that he will have to take the back burner for a few years because the children are so demanding.
Taking care of the children is not taking care of him. And putting kids in front of your spouse leads to divorce which means your kids don't get to live with two loving parents.
At this point it may not seem to matter, maybe your children are getting a little older, maybe in future relationships child raising won't play a role. I just remember what 25years says: A WAS won't return to a M unless they think it can be better than the one they left. If you continue to think and talk as if WAH's needs are unreasonable I don't know how it's fair to expect him to return to a marriage in which his needs are not a priority.
As to the rest of your post, it's true that our lives improve in many ways after a D. I know that I am more stress free, more appreciative of what I have, happier than I was during my poor M, a better father, and I am confident I have a bright future. So when I compare it to a miserable marriage I am much happier. Still, there is no reason these positives couldn't have been attained in a better marriage, and the loss is permanent and horrifying. By all means continue to detach, GAL, and be positive about what you have. But I would encourage you to continue to stand for your M and to keep DBing, and I think that this topic is at the heart of what lay between you and WAH.
Of course I would have done things differently! Hindsite is 20/20. There was a time we could have made it work when both of us were vested. At the time though sleep deprivation and my anxiety and post partum depression took over.
I can't change things. And the truth is I wanted husband to be part of our lives. He felt pressured by me pushing for that.
I do not feel like there is anything I can do anymore. Husband has been withdrawing for years. He does not want a family life. He does not want marriage. He is obviously not interested in me In any aspect.., emotionally, physically, intellectually.
He is in opposition to everything I say.
He was angry but I think it's becoming indifference (I am still angry at his indifference but working on it). I am trying to analyze why...his foo issues, financial stress, living with my parents. But it doesn't matter because he doesn't want it.
I am simply not making it worse right now by pursuing, being cooperative when it does not take advantage of me or kids, and holding my tongue.
What else is there?
some members file for divorce and WAS turns around (recently happened with LIM). Why is it not true for me as well?
He was unhappy? So what did he do to change that? How much happiness did he bring into the R on a daily basis? Was he relying on you to make him happy?
I think happiness comes from the inside, for the most part.
It sounds like his wish and failure to enforce his standards onto you is what made him unhappy.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
