GAL going well. Need help with LRT and 180

[Phoebe]

Sorry, I have no suggestions for you, bigybiz.

I just wanted to let you know that I think it's good that you're doing something for yourself, particularly if it's something that you've always wanted to do. Be careful out there, though, OK? : )

[J5K]

Why do you even need to tell her? Does she often get upset with you when you do things like this?

[SH_]

Hi bigybiz,

IMHO this is a situation where you should do what is right by you. Nothing you do should be with her filter for your decisions. Do what is right by you and don't over think every decision you make.

[GWH]

Do you have to tell her? I agree with SadHub...you should not have to filter through her.

[bigybiz]

Thanks for the input. I'm simply going to say - I'm in the process of buying a bike. It won't be a strain on our family resources. I won't take the kids out on the bike until I'm a confident/safe rider. If you have any issues - speak up now.

[Melo]

Sounds good, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her either, more as a "oh, and btw...", if your W is anything like mine then she will not miss an opportunity to get a couple of jabs in there so be prepared for that too

[Flight]

Sandi,

Can you give some specific detail to explain this:

The type of changes I have seen work for both the man and his WW's feelings, are the attitude and interrrelationship changes. When the man changes the relationship DYNAMICS. Until he changes that part.........he could kill himself trying to do enough to make up for the past, but it won't affect her.

What things change the MR? What things make a difference?

[sandi2]

You look at in the mechanics of your relationship. How does it work? How do play off each other?

Think about the behavioral patterns of each one, and what you do to get what you want from each other. It's not necessarily verbalized, but each of you desire things from each that you feel will make you happier, as well as the MR and family unit.

Look at the present situation with the drama and pressure. What are you doing to get what you want from her?

How does she respond when you try to get what you want from her?

Is it working for you?

Take a look at how each of you operate in the MR? Who does the emotional work in the M? Which one is the slacker? Which one does more giving and the other more the taking? Who is the pursuer and which one pulls back? Is there a bully in the MR? Is there a self-centered partner? Who wears the pants?

Is it working for you?

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells? Do you usually let her have her way, to keep the peace? Do you find yourself always having to explain your actions? When she won't give you the happiness you seek with her........do you chase, plead, pet, cater, sulk, get angry, etc?

Does it work to get you what you want?

What does she do when she doesn't get what she wants from you? Does she play games? Does she manipulate you? Does she b'tch, pout, go silent, act cold, withholdsex, throw a tantrum, throw things, cry a river, stop cooking, or hundreds of other ways to punish you? If so, then how do you react to her reactions.......and does it work for you?

If the operations are not working to get the desired results, then you change your action and reactions.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks for the post above it was really helpful. I hope Flight felt that too.

For the first time in weeks the W has initiated some more than surface/functional conversation and some relationship talk too. I'm doing an OK job at limiting the length and the topics. As opposed to the past where we would have the same convo over and over and over.

There are a couple of items that needs some input - please help anyone.

1 - She did say that she feels a lot of guilt about breaking up the home etc, etc. I simply responded - I'm sorry to hear that . If it comes up again, I'll try and validate and say that must be very hard on you - is that right? From other posts I've read it seems that the guilt the WW/WAW has can be a double edge sword. Are there any strategies on how to manage/respond to her guilt?

2 - She did say very briefly that she has thought about ways to "keep it all together" but has not come up with anything. I can't remember how I responded - I'm hoping it was neutral if not the right way. I think I was so in shock that she said anything remote to that. I'm afraid to bring it up again - as I don't want to leave myself open to rejection i.e. She could say "Oh no that was a dumb idea - it will never happen" Again, I'm right to stay away from that. I'm guessing bringing it up would be pursing.

3 - We are supposed to have regular meetings about $. I'm not going to nag her but I'll be direct. Our money meeting tonight at 8 does that work? Obviously most issues about $ are emotional. We have lots of issues around $. Any ideas on how to use $ as an issue for change. I'm taking some 180 ideas into the meeting i.e. Doing things with money that we've never done - but would like some other ideas/help.

[sandi2]

She did say that she feels a lot of guilt about breaking up the home etc, etc. I simply responded - I'm sorry to hear that .

Huh? You are sorry she feels guilt for tearing up the family?

Personally, I hate that particular response that soooo many LBH'S use, simply b/c he thinks it's a "catchall" validation. Well, it's not.

FWIW, if you do not know how to verbalized validation, maybe you should not use some cookie cut example you have borrowed, b/c IMHO, it sounds pretty wacky. And especially if you repeat the same one as your perferred validation phrase.

It would be better to just nod your head that you hear what she is saying. B/c what you said, in that particular response, is basically telling her that you had rather she not have any negative emotions about tearing apart the home. Like, she should feel good about it.

Are there any strategies on how to manage/respond to her guilt?

Yeah, you can tell her, "This has been hard on all of us"!

Those are her feelings. She has to deal with them. Don't try to manage them. Let her feel them.

She did say very briefly that she has thought about ways to "keep it all together" but has not come up with anything. I can't remember how I responded - I'm hoping it was neutral if not the right way

To hammer in my previous point, what if you had responded with, "I'm sorry you feel that way". See how contradictive it would sound? That's what I am trying to show you about the words you choose to validate.

I may stand alone on this topic, however, I think there are times you just need to let her talk about her thoughts and feeling......while you just STFU, instead of wanting to jump in with some kind of validation response.......and not knowing what the heck you are really saying! If you are looking at her and listening......that should be sufficient, especially when she's saying things like this, b/c it can become a temp check real easily.