What a great morning! New posts from DB buddies and W was asleep when I left home. I left a B-day card on her dresser--just a simple card marking her 39th B-day. It was not H to W, and signed merely, "Love Merrick." Laurie and decided that this was the most likely way to minimize a negative reaction (no card would make her mad, and something stronger would make her mad).
Betsey, the Isles start tomorrow, and I'll bet if Briget wants to see her first hockey game, there are plenty of guys that would taker her.
I have a real busy day at work and will meet W, family, and friends later for dinner.
The next likely storm is tomnorrow night after W comes home from another dinner with her friends. Our houseguests will be gone and all the emotions W is keeping bottled up while they are here will rush to the surface. My prediction is that when W gets home late, she will pursue me in the basement/bed/couch (wherever I am) angrily as opposed to empathetically seeking comfort. However, I will be ready with detached compassion--which will not be enough and she will begin to cry, beg , and swear about what I am doing to her and the kids. After that, this time I'll try a loving hug and is she resists, all I'll say is that I'm here if she wants me--then leave. If I'm wrong and she is more subdued, I'll count that as a victory and enjoy the reprieve, but I will be prepared. Have a great day everyone.
Isn't it funny and sad how we have to think should I get my W/H a card. Should the card be a general card or for W/H? I got my H a card for his B-Day Saturday. To H from W but it was areally funny card. He laughed and he loved it to my surprise. When he laughed I could finally wipe the sweat from my brow! Is something wrong with this picture?
I looked at your thread and don't have much to add. It seems like your doing your best and are trying real hard to follow the good advice that you are getting and exploring all angles. As I told Betsey and Berto last week when we met, "It is what it is," and we just have to do our best with the cards we have been dealt. Every time I think I think I have it bad, I think of the Twin Towers or our folks in Iraq (and now the charred bodies) and know that I still have a lot of great things and safety going for me. We are, truly blessed. Now I really have to leave this BB!!! KOFTGF.
I joined W, our kids, and two other families at ESPNZone last night in Times Square for W's birthday (the kids love it). Everything went well, and as expected, while W was not highly intaractive with me she was pleasant. In fact, I shouldprobably try to get as much time as possible with W around non-family friends because these seem like the only times where she acts in soft manner.
On the train ride home, both D's and S leaned on me and hugged me (not W) in their sleepiness. W had to notice, but because friends were there, she couldn't make her usual snide remarks or sneer at me like she would if that occurred alone in our living room. I guess that's a plus for melting the proverbial "chunk of ice" around her heart.
Tonight and tomorrow morning present a real test on any baby steps arising from her "You win" outburst on Monday. An even angrier outburst of frustration from her is not unlikely--and if it does not occur, perhaps she is settling in just a tiny bit. Trust me, I have no expectations, but the angry outbursts can wear a guy out.
Well, the Isles are cooked for the night, so I've come here.
As I predicted, W reverted to Damian/Sybil, but since her plans tonight were cancelled, she didn't wait until later when the kids were asleep. Instead, with the kids there, she started razzing me for not getting them to bed early enough and for watching hockey and hugging and playing with them.
She then started telling the kids that daddy was nice to them because he's not the maid like Mom and doesn't lift a finger around the house--so I can afford to be happy because I don't do anything (all BS). As is typical, this went on for about five minutes with several variations of the same theme.
I kept asking what I could do to help and also tried to get the kids ready, but she said not to do anything because "the maid" would do it.
She then went downstairs and I told her calmly not to talk about me that way to the kids. She answered that I was wrong to get in her face that one time (about three months ago) and I agreed that it was wrong. She then said that I never apologized and I replied that I thought I had, but if not, I am sorry. Then she went outside for a smoke.
When she came back, she was crying and said this outburst will make the kids think I'm better than her. I said that no one is "better" than the other and I tell the kids all the time how hard she works for them, how much she loves them--and they understand that people get tired at the end of the day. I just validated, validated, validated--althought she still thinks it is part of an act to prove I'm better than she is. (She asked what priest told me to say that--the one at our parish or in NYC). Next she went out to the store.
When she got back, she was angry again using the "I'm not perfect routine" and accusing me of just standing on the side ready to pounce when she falls. I said that's not true--and asked what are some of the things I can do to help. She said I should ask my counsellor at $125 (cheaper than her lawyer I might have noted )
She then closed with stating that she is great when I'm not around, but inferred that the very sight of me brings out the worst in her and the kids suffer from this dynamic. She did ask at one time how I intended to show my love for her (I forgot about my hug idea) and after thinking anything I said would be scoffed at, I asked what she would like me to do for her. She said this answer was pathetic and walked away. Ah. A day in the life, but a good step for me in DBing. If she keeps accusing me of being nice--I'll take that in her court affidavit!!!
Unless I come back tonight, this could be my last post for a few days. I won't have access to computer and maybe I can give myself a break. Later y'all.
Good job on the DBing Merrick. I really feel for you in your sitch. You are a great person for hanging tough. Hope you have a good Easter weekend. (((((((()))))))) Tootles..........
Sometimes humor can be one of the very few ways to survive in the midst of living in an alien world, right? I hope you get a real break these next few days, Merrick.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
As ussual Merrick, our sitches are running parallel lines. My W also is into the I never showed her love routine. I see some positive signs however in that she is starting to talk more and hangs up on a regular basis. Good at least she is showing her feelings in this way I guess. Just when I thought my sitch was dead, someone must have put a quarter in the rollercoaster again. Oddly I must be through my anger and starting to see her in better light. How I dont know. Must be the good I saw on Wednesday. I ll fill you in more later on my thread. Thanks for thinking of me, Enjoy your Easter, God Bless You, Eddy
Eddy, I posted on your thread and I do see some positives. But remember that post from a WAW talking about melting the solid chunk of ice that causes WA in the first place--well we're both looking at iceburgs and have to be a bit more patient.
I may not remember al the details--but here is some more journaling.
W was in somewhat milder mood on Friday morning and we started to have edgy talks on money. Rather than doing a family vacation and sending the kids to camp, W thoug getting a beach hosue for four weeks would offer a better escape for her. She'd take the kids the entire time while I spent long weekends. But the money and plan raised questions as to whether we would get a new above ground pool to replace the old one we torn down last Fall.
I told W that money is no big deal to me right now given where we're headed and the potential atty fees. She asked whether this meant we shouldn't be careful on everything else--like my hockey tickets. I said I thought that was a better use of our money than a lawyer, but also said she was right that I should have discussed it with her first. I also asked if she was ready to start splitting our assets down the middle so that this would no longer be an issue. She really had no answer to that. I concluded that whatver she decided to spend on a beach house was okay with me because I trusted her judgment to make a good decision.
Before going away with S9, however, I thought I'd try some more of the heated blow-dryer on the burg. I went upstairs and told her that I didn't want her to remain upset thinking I had a plan to take away our kids. I said I knew how much she loved and cared about them and can see how upset she is about this issue. She somewhat pleaded that she wants us to be in a better place--and recognized that a D is not good for the kids--but better than where we are now. She then asked aloud whether she was naive. I said I thought she was sincere. At this she started to cry. In bad DBIng form, I said "The other day you said I never say ILY. Well, I do love you, regardless of where we're headed." She then denied ever making the "You never say ILY" comment the other morning. --I should have known better!
As usual, I have no expectations from this. But the doubts in her mind are something to hang onto. It's now eight weeks since I have had my last angry outburst with her and have been as kind as I can be. If I could survive these last eight weeks, I think I can survive a lot more.
) 