It really will not change her waywardness, whether you complete the basement or not. If you can do it for yourself, and have zero expectations in it affecting her decision to stay or leave.......then do it.
Look, I am all for self improvement in the LBH. If he needs to make changes in order to be a better man, father, and H, then he should. But here is what I have seen play out in M's with a WW. The LBH comes to the board, and he is told to look at himself and what he has contributed to the breakdown of the MR. (I have given that same advice over and over again). But then the H goes into overdrive, trying to make up for the past and hoping his W will see his changes and decide to stay. And how many newcomers worry about their W separating and not seeing his changes? He either doesn't understand or else we are focusing too much on inconsequential changes. It just seems there are too many LBH'S who are missing the mark. No matter how much we say to do it for themselves, they still want to do it to win her back. And that's the mentality that causes them to put on the super husband cape and ends up being a servant in a loveless M, rather than the man who makes a change in the relationship.
Here's what I have concluded after observing the board and in real life cases for many years. Those are not the type of changes that affect the heart of a wayward woman. At one time, changing his bad habits would have positively affected her heart, but after she is in rebellion against him and the MR...........it's not going to have a big impact on her feelings. There have been numerous stories where the WW would tell her H that she saw how hard he was working, and she recognized how he had improved. But guess what? It did not change her heart. Enveribly, the WW left or continued her waywardness under his roof. It did not change her feelings for him.
The type of changes I have seen work for both the man and his WW's feelings, are the attitude and interrrelationship changes. When the man changes the relationship DYNAMICS. Until he changes that part.........he could kill himself trying to do enough to make up for the past, but it won't affect her.
I think when we tell a newcomer to look at her complaints and evaluate himself, the end results is him feeling guilty. Then he gets the idea he can improve himself enough that it will appease her, and thereby, fixing the M. That simply won't happen with a wayward. Speaking for myself, I intend to try harder in carefully explaining what type of changes he needs to make.......if I know how to communicate that message. He does need to work on himself, but the problem I'm seeing is that most LBH'S with a wayward take on the whole responsibility and blame for the M breakdown, and so then he's ready to prove what he can do and how great he can be..........only, she doesn't care. It doesn't cause her to realize she really loves him! I am not saying he should not try to make personal improvements, just don't expect it to fix the problems the MR has now. He needs to improve himself, and combine those improvements with changing the dynamics in the MR.
I know you have this problem, b/c you are thinking how it will affect her and the MR. It isn't going to affect the MR by redoing the basement. It may relieve some tension from the household by having a second bathroom while everyone's trying to get ready to leave for the day.......but that's about all.
Her problem, now, has nothing to do with the basement. Her problem is her wayward feelings toward you, and they have gotten out of hand. Her bad feelings accumulated over a period of time, and now she is rebelling. You could buy her an entire new house, and although she might be excited over the new house.......and even show some signs that appear to be happiness.........it is short lived, if the relationship dynamics have not changed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
