Hello Merrick! I've been keeping up w/your thread but haven't had much to add lately. Thanks for your kind words to me today. Faith can be a powerful thing and believing that it is in God's hands now makes the pain a bit less intense.
I hope that your faith lends you to continued strength, courage and wisdom through this. Do you have anything special planned for the RCIA induction this weekend? Is your W your sponsor or do you have someone else?
Keep on believing and it will all fall into place. Tootles.......
Merrick, Get her a card and a birthday cake.You could go for a lovely ones with pretty pink roses on it.Or if she is still acting like a child get her one with Barney on it.Opps there goes my silly side again.
But really why wouldn't you get her one?I understand not getting her one if she wasn't living with you.You could get it and let it be from the kids.That way you have a safe out if she doesn't like it.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
For my Ws Bday I got a card for her from the kids and one from me. I also got simple decorative candles, one from each of the kids, and had each one give her a candle. Then I gave her my card and roses. She couldn't be upset by getting gifts from her own kids, so by the time I came in with the flowers, she was in a good mood.
She said she was glad I had gotten her flowers because OM had gotten her flowers too.
Our W anniversary wasn't so easy - I tried the same thing, without the gifts from the kids. Cards got thrown on the sofa table - I pulled the cards from MIL and my Mom out of the trash to display. They were all in the trash the next afternoon, but she didn't throw out the flowers. (no comments either, but she didn't pitch a fit)
What would you do for her if you had the R with her that you want? I doubt that is realistic right now, but at least start from there and tone it down. (or in my case up, since remembering bday and anniverary was a 180 for me )
As long as whatever you do is with honest intentions, God will Bless it. W probably won't let you see God's blessings, but they'll be there.
W just sent me an e-mail inquiring about a beach house for several weeks during the summer in lieu of camp for the kids and our usual vacation. I don't know if we can afford it, but her plan is to go with the kids during the week while I join them for long weekends. At least I'm in the plans.
For her birthday, W got tix for a Broadway show for her and the kids. Other families will go with them and she asked me to join them for dinner in Times Square.
I think I'll just get her a simple funny type card, but not one from husband to wife. I may even sign it "Love," but certainly not ILY. The show and dinner will be her gift, although I could add a small-dollar gift certificate from the kids and I.
Lee-I don't want to forget you and I'll have to check your sitch tonight.
Karen-I'm just starting RCIA with the "inquiry" phase with an expectation of completing the process next easter. When I told W, she said I should go to another parish!
Briget--Any recommendations for somne nice lotions and oils??
A lot happened in the last 12 hours. Much has been witnessed and said before--the last time being around Christmas/January.
W went out last night with SIL (her brother's W, a H.S. best friend, and someone who is not very happy with W) and friend from out of town. When she got home, she started crying and saying that I had won and she will stay in this M and be miserable for the rest of her life in order to satisfy everyone around her. She pulled out a woman's deviotional bible and said Jesus said W's must submit to their H's--so she was submittng to my control over her life. I said the Bible also says that H's must love their W's as Jesus loved the Church. W replied with anger, "What kind of love is that that?" She said she told me to get a counsellor months ago so she could "get the monkey off her back," but that I did not follow through (actually, I looked, but the C's I spoke to said if W was as angry as she is and just wanted to punch the clock--I should hold off; perhaps now is different). She then got on her cell phone with her sister and cried, and moaned outside for 1/2 hour before retiring.
This morning, it continued. I slept on the couch and she woke me up to say that I wasn't a bad person and that she understood the Bible and Jesus, but the life we lived was wrong and there was never any love. Basically--a rehashing of the mental annulment she has played out in her mind. She said that she did not know me--was "paranoid" that I had something up my sleeve to destroy her, and that it was my job to make it work--but I had not done that. And, she added for good measure, "Don't tell me that it's up to me as to what i should do and that it's my decision. I'm sick of hearing it. You show me how it can work and how we can love each other." She then said it was up to me to get a M counsellor to fix things, but that I had to set a deadline and it was all up to me to show how our M could be tolerable.
I said I know you don't feel it, but love is caring about you as much as anything else--and I'm committed to trying." She immediately responded, "Caring? What is that? Are you kidding me?" That's enough? She continually demanded, "What is your answer? What is your answer?" How are YOU going to fix this? I said I have no magic answer. (Note: next time I may say I pray to God every day to help me find the answer, but so far He has not yet revealed the answer to me, but i have faith that He will).
By this time, W was pursuing me out the door to work, saying we can't continue like this and that she had a better way (D). Since my "we need to work at it together approach" was going nowhere (same old stuff), I ended the convo by stating, "Look, I spoke to your attorney yesterday; your freedom is coming." Once again, perhaps not the best DBing, but my delicate way of saying you have to take owenrship of your own life--and I am looking at "her way." This is not all about me.
Hey Merrick....don't take all of this as bad. It sounds like she is in turmoil and is finally speaking about something?
Take time to mull it over and see what she is saying through all of her mumbling and get the message so you can present it better another time. Pray that He gives you the words to speak to her that she will understand.
You did good. Hang in there buddy! It's time to show her the DBing stuff that really works! How about the KLA tapes or MB tapes? Any new skills you can learn from them to speak to W? Have a good day. Tootles..........
Had a great convo with DB Coach Laurie today and I think we'll just stay the course--loving detachment and no expectations given where W is right now (see more below). I will pursue the counselling and have found an IMAGO/SBT C in Manhattan that I'll give a whirl with W's approval (C says she is pro-R).
Laurie also gave me sound advice in that my immediate goal sounds less about restoring the M right now and more about preserving the family as I know it. If that's the goal, it becomes somewhat easier to detach from M because that R is less of my focus. (Did I get that right Laurie?)
The next eight days look calm. We have houseguests for the next two nights--a woman who introduced my W to bible study and her two sons. And then I head to DC with S9 on Friday-Saturday for my Rotisserie Baseball draft. Sunday is Easter and the Islanders are at home for the playoffs Monday and Wednesday--which I'll attend.
Briget, I'd love to visit you outside Tampa to see the Isles-Lightning games this week, but I'd just get in trouble with you (I told Laurie that of all my DB buddies, you were the one with whom I'd most likely want to have an internet affair--a 5 ft tall pool hustler with sexy lotion who will try anything new and is as committed to M as they come grin----).
Just kidding Brig and I hope you take no offense. My W is my only lady love and I hope U-dog will vouch that I'm a nice guy. But I also know that one day you will secure the blessings you seek. Hang in there gal.
Since our house guests are likely to prevent me from accessing my computer at home, I may be off for a while. But you guys will always be with me in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on fighting the good fight y'all.
I'm checking in with you in anticipation of Polly's birthday tomorrow. I'm going to wish YOU the happy day!
Briget, I will be happy to vouch for him. He's got a great twinkle in his eyes and a smile that goes right to them. And really good taste in the haberdashery sense (he's got great fashion sense--but then again, I love a man in a suit ).
Merrick, I vote for some hockey fun. Your game starts tomorrow night or Thursday? I can't remember. Ours starts tomorrow here at the Pepsi Center. I hope we don't choke against the Stars. (BTW, I'm saving my heart and body for Mike Modano--my old PC wallpaper was a pic of him in a killer suit and hockey skates!)
On a serious note, you probably have the toughest resolve of anyone I've met here. I admire you for your willingness to keep your head in the midst of turmoil and foul language. Catholics everywhere will be rejoicing to have you as a living example of being merciful and forgiving.
As you say, KOFTGF.
Hugs to you, special hockey friend.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well Merrick. I have never been to a hockey game.You would think with three sons I would have.Sounds fun.
I did go to wrestling once.I got bloody spit from Dusty Rose on me.I must say I really didn't like that.I was 17.I found a twenty dollar bill on the ground that night.I bought a bottle of two fingers and shared it with my friends.I think it was the first time I ever got really drunk.
If ever your in this neck of the woods I'm game for a game.LOL sorry for the pun.
Did you get your wife a card?
I hope tomorrow goes well.
Well I'm going down for the night.
I need my rest.I have holes to dig tomorrow for my hammock.I have never used a post hole digger.I hope I don't chop off my toes.
Have a good night. Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
It was a pleasure meeting you last week. After reading your posts here, you were right, we married sisters. The good thing is that you are still early in the game and I didn't start DBing till after W left, which was seven months after the bomb.
You are a very nice guy and have wonderful children. It is sad that our W's put the kids through all this and not bat an eye.
Keep up the good work you've done so far, looks like W is cracking. Damn good thing that you have friends that see what is going on. I wasn't afforded that luxury, my W doesn't have any real friends, just her family. Don't even start asking about her family, oh brother.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
)
The good thing is that you are still early in the game and I didn't start DBing till after W left, which was seven months after the bomb.