Ups and downs (II)

[Painter]

I agree with you, Zues - it's a 2-way street and both have to change. We can only change ourselves, and the DB-process is a wonderful tool for self-improvement.

If our spouses don't want to be a part of the change, we're happier alone and they risk losing us for good. I left today for what I think will be a happier life for me, but still made it clear to H that although he closed all other paths than this for now, I stand for the M and am in no hurry to D. I suspect, though, that OW is in the wings waiting.

At this point, I am mostly upset with H for not trying, for giving up, for turning to OW instead of focusing on improving the M.

It is very important to put the kids second to the R. They are needy, but it's healthy for them to see two parents who put each other first. A husband can take charge in that situation, by expressing a need for time alone with the W and take care of the practical details. He can arrange for family to take care of children for a night, or a weekend of pampering and rest for both. If the W is unwilling to let go, talk seriously - involve a MC. Don't just pull away and let resentment build.

This was not an issue in my M, but the resentment from unmet needs was. H was even jealous at how I treat the pets! I think we all have the responsibility to express our needs and create a situation where they can be met.