Ups and downs (II)

[Zues126]

I think most men and women are not prepared for the amount of work that is really required though.

Can I ask you a question J? To do it over, would you do anything differently? Or do you think you did the best you could and WAH is just unreasonable?

When I read your posts it seems like the latter. You talk about how WAH is wrong to not feel your love through your caretaking the children. And this isn't the first time you've referred to how much work taking care of the children is, usually in the context of implying that WAH needs to understand that he will have to take the back burner for a few years because the children are so demanding.

Taking care of the children is not taking care of him. And putting kids in front of your spouse leads to divorce which means your kids don't get to live with two loving parents.

At this point it may not seem to matter, maybe your children are getting a little older, maybe in future relationships child raising won't play a role. I just remember what 25years says: A WAS won't return to a M unless they think it can be better than the one they left. If you continue to think and talk as if WAH's needs are unreasonable I don't know how it's fair to expect him to return to a marriage in which his needs are not a priority.

As to the rest of your post, it's true that our lives improve in many ways after a D. I know that I am more stress free, more appreciative of what I have, happier than I was during my poor M, a better father, and I am confident I have a bright future. So when I compare it to a miserable marriage I am much happier. Still, there is no reason these positives couldn't have been attained in a better marriage, and the loss is permanent and horrifying. By all means continue to detach, GAL, and be positive about what you have. But I would encourage you to continue to stand for your M and to keep DBing, and I think that this topic is at the heart of what lay between you and WAH.