Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Yeah, I'm crossing my fingers on the house sale. Its large, its out in the boonies (almost), and it is unique. Plusses are that its a popular architect's and it is casual (not over the top extravagant) and it has a killer view.

We still have some big projects (meaning things we do-it-yourselfers aren't comfortable doing) to finish. Those should be done by next week, though. I'm still packing things that I won't be using and also throwing his stuff in a downstairs guest room as I come across it. I've stopped asking him to take it out. I am asking him to look through it...it is not my problem to deal with.

Next project is painting over all of the drywall repairs. We still need to clean up our horse corral, too. A lot to do. Sigh.

At the same time, I'm trying to force myself to remember/retrain myself to do algebra and math. Apparently, in order to apply to the Masters Degree program I'm interested in, there are two prereqs I haven't had. They both have prereqs to get into them, as well. One is college algebra...within the last 5 years. Its been over 25 years since I took it, lol. So now I'm doing online tutoring and testing to see what I know and relearn what I've forgotten. Then maybe I can just test into my prereq. Blah.

H is still being strange (to me). He can't figure out how to treat me, nor I him. We act like a married couple in public, but there is only our "comfortable friendship" at the house. Just getting things done and having coffee. I still wonder what our relationship will be when the D is final?

He seems to have created a boundary for himself of not accepting food from me as much (I always offered when making my own). He does bring me little things like k-cups and fruit from his parents when he comes. His AOS. I thank him when he does this, but I need to get better at validating and WOA.

He is still telling me how hard he works, how tired he is, how he worries about money and is getting more comfortable sharing about his work stories. I think that is a step in the right direction...allowing him to feel listened to. To what end? I don't know.

I still know I love him. I'm still attracted to him. But, and I almost feel guilty for this...I'm slightly excited for my unknown future. I've been exploring neighborhoods and looking at houses and apartments. I'm actually enjoying my freebie online classes (warm-ups for going back to school). I'm making new friends, slowly but surely. People that share my interests but are different enough to be very interesting to me.

I went to a comedy club with a meetup I enjoy last night. Its usually all women, but for this event you could bring an extra. All the singles bailed so it was me and two couples...but I had a great time and they were very welcoming! I made plans with one of the women to see a movie that we both were interested in.

I also had a hike and wine and cheese picnic overlooking a local lake with a friend (I'm off for spring break). I met another friend for a fantastic dinner a few nights before. These two ladies, I'm learning, are quickly becoming close to me.

You have to understand, I haven't really found or established my own friendships in years. I had become very reliant on H for all of my friendship needs as well as coming up with our social activities. And those "friendships" proved to be very shallow. I still have anger that not one of those people has really reached out to see how I am. And I was always there for them! I'm trying to let that go. Its hard, though. I especially enjoyed their children.

Anyway, this quick post has become a book. In a nutshell:

I'm excited for my future and a little scared.
I'm slowly making friends of my own.
I'm learning new things and excited to learn more.
I'm learning who I am and what I like to do.
I'm going to miss my beautiful house and the quiet life in the country, but I look forward to being closer to everything...it will make my trips out of town that much more special.
I realize I have put too much time effort and money into acquiring "stuff" to fill my emptiness. I need to do more and experience more, but lighten my load to do it.
I am learning to appreciate and be grateful for what I have got and what I have had.
I think my H still cares about me and I still love him, but I don't know what that means to either of us anymore. He ain't done baking and I'm not going to sit around waiting for his timer to "ding".
All I can do right now is be his friend when he needs me, but move forward with the door behind me cracked open if he wants to come through and follow. I'm done following him. And if he does at some point come through that door, he'll need to learn to walk beside me, cuz I'm done being his shadow. It really is getting easier as I find the me in me.