Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Thank you both so much. This is a trying time, to be sure.

H sent a text last nite around 9-- 'I am going to crash on this girls ( yes, I said a girl. A 26 year old girl to boot, whose boyfriend does not NOT live her)couch and I promise its all good." I do not reply. He texts " Hey?" Then " Don't worry." (Famous last words.) I do not reply, mostly because words failed me , but an hour later I just text 'K (Keep in mind, I do not believe he is even there, but he expects to believe a 26 yr old girl is going to let a 49 year old man sleep in her couch!!)'

H walks in the door around 12:30 am. I'm already in bed but go down stairs and say " You drove? Thought you have been drinking" He says he laid on her couch for a bit, but he had stopped drinking around 6. He was fine so decided to come home and sleep In his own bed. I asked no other questions and went back to bed. To not sleep the rest of the night.

Man! He must really think I fell off that tomato truck. Honestly, I guess I did. I did not think he was telling the truth for one minute, but... But what?? Idk anymore. I guess I stupidly had/have hope. Because he gives it to me or because I see it where isn't? Probably a little bit of both. After he decided, or I decided for him, that he was not going to see her this weekend, he 'picked me.' He could have said 'FU Melweb, I am going to do what I want to do." But he didn't. Other "signs"-- Friday I had beer and pizza alone because his boss called. I was not in kitchen went he went down, so he called me down to have another beer with him. And he still calls me 'hun' or 'babe.' And he has gone from getting an apt in the city to walk to work, to one in this town, to one right here in this development. Doesn't sound like a man who wants to get away from me. Sounds like a man who is, or will be trying to, cake eat. And I know and fully am aware of that. I was trying to be civil for the next two months, be the best Melweb I Could be, so it would be hard to walk away, so he could look back and say "What have I done?" And maybe that won't happen. But at least I took the high road, and can be proud of my actions, or inactions as the case may be.

As I read what I just wrote, I sound totally desperate. Hanging on to every word, sign, clue. I did not think I was doing that. As much!! I really am ok with him leaving in June, as I think its for the best. I believe it is what he needs to do to continue this journey.


So for ME this week:
1) Detatch
2) GAL--going to a line dancing class tomorrow nite
3) I have an IC appt. I already have/had an IC after BD#1, but it was by phone and $125/ hr. Now I will get to go to an office and its covered by insurance. I am not sure if she is pro marriage/ SBT, but I will know after first appointment.
3) Check into flower essences recommended by bttrfly, to get some damn sleep. Anything in particular bttrfly??

Thanks again everyone. I find the support here invaluable. Not sure what I would have done without it these last 6 months.