Change in you must be for now and as needed for the future. You change your core, you connect to your higher power and it must be for the better. That is the smaller step.
The next step and the true development of self is shift not change. It is the development of spirit, I have noticed that those who have this shift have the charisma needed for life and love. They are the better for it.
They are developing as lovers, spouses, friends and above all parents. They become leaders in their lives. Beyond their R. Repair of an M is only one aspect, the repair of self, the healing of self, to become the best that you can be as a life long process. They make shift, sometimes small to start and then there are pivot points when leaps are made. I see that sadhub is capable of great shift, change can be undone, shift is forever. The H in the passage made change which unravelled, his soul did not connect. He made change and not shift. He spent much of his M invalidating his WAW whilst experience ting his own to be met, he repaired his M temporarily and that very temporary repair was the biggest invalidation of his WAW. He changed back. Taking a spouse for granted, treating them with disrespect is invalidating their very existence and shift will humble us to validation.
In shift, once you know then you can not unknow. You can fail to use the tools and with shift your higher power will get you back on track.
This takes us to love, the capability and purity of love that comes from the developed self.
You ask me how you deal with W anger, the answer is with compassion and love. Validate the anger, validate the feeling, allow her to work it. Validate with the love of your higher power. Allow that to make you strong enough to detach. Validation includes knowing your strong boundaries and applying them whilst acknowledging your W anger. Validation rejects the blame whilst acknowledging Ws right to be angry.
Validation is needed often because the other has been invalidated as the H in the passage did. I read spouses validating whilst also invalidating. To validate you will also need to cease invalidating. There are words validating and body language and behaviour invalidating. Telling another how they should or should not think feel or behave is invalidating, ignoring their needs is invalidating. Validation is difficult if not impossible if you are attached. Let go of being driven by your W emotions, let your own guide you from a place of peace. Keep calm, grace under fire, get out of the way.
Accept your share of it, no more nor less, clean up the mess your monkeys have made in your circus. Let W deal with hers.
To be strong and firm when W is abusive or angry. Your boundaries will be strong, you are a man and a H worth being with.
I have developed this philosophy of spending 10% of my time and money working on developing myself. There was a huge backlog of work which has been painful to do. Do not avoid that pain as you do the work because some of the soul work will dig deep. Walk to the pain and shift.
Accept your feelings, expect anger in yourself, it is good to use as a driving force.
Get on with your life and live as well as you can. This is for your life and all your Rs for your life and beyond. The rewards are great indeed, the discovery of yourself and the authentic self will be the greatest gift you can share.
Part of that love is to love yourself. I still love my WH and today I love me more than to be treated with the anger and blame. Today I could deal with my WH so much better than I did then and I have no desire to repeat. I know that lesson is learned.
That might not to be answer you would like.
Much of the golden rule is to STFU except to validate feelings.
Never validate when you can not agree with behaviour, you can say "that's tough on you" and "I can see you are angry and I hear your complaint. I do not agree that I am an x y or z."
There is a technique called fogging that may help if you Google it.
My thoughts I hope they are of assistance
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
