My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

i need to somehow stop expecting anything. all i am doing by doing that is setting myself up for failure. why is it when i got home i expected her to be here and we could spend sometime hanging out? i guess it's because i am just naive and blind to the fact that i am actually going through a separation. i don't know where she is and what she's doing, but all she's worried about is what time i'm going to get home tomorrow. i don't know what time i'll be home tomorrow...i wish i wasn't home now. the only reason i came home early was to hang out and spend time with her. no, instead i'm sitting on a freaking divorce website whining about how my life [censored].

you know, i hate having the thought that what if something were to happen to me. who would really care? wouldn't it make everything easier if i weren't here? wouldn't it be better for her?

it really [censored] that i've been at church all day teaching these awesome kids about God's love for us. then i come home and i have these thoughts. like it would be better for everyone if he would just go ahead and take me. at least i would get to see my memaw and papaw - i miss them so much.