I failed my skating test but I expected as much. Not disappointed.
I thought it was cute that my younger classmates thought that I was around their age. I am easily one of the oldest, if not the oldest in the group.
And then there is this sense of wistfulness. My career has stabilised and I am finally getting the hang of the cut-throat culture of my working environment (after 5 long years). I am in the best physical shape that I have been in years. And now that I have all this free time, I have no family to spend it with.
Patience is never, and will never be, a strong suit of xh. If we had just made it to this year, things would have been much better.
Looking back, I seemed to have been in quite a MLC fog. Because there were these few years that were a blur to me. One day I was just thirty and the next, some many years have passed. In fact, it takes quite an effort to remember my age because I don't feel or look it.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You're sounding in a much healthier place these days. You go girl!
I don't know your exact age (as you never ask a lady) but I get from your sense of character that you seem young. I guess we are the lucky ones. I get thought of as teen mom. But then anyone who knows me on a deeper level thinks of me as someone way older.
There is time. You have D who you will always have a great r with. Especially when she's older and sees what her mom went through and still managed to hold it together for her sake.
To the point of understanding the wh mind. It's near impossible, the fog is so thick- I doubt they even understand themselves. And I guess that too is hard going. The hardest thing in life is not when no one understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself. We've done soul searching and repairing. Having a love affair with ourselves and learning about ourselves.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Cherry, hmmm, let's just say that if I had been a teen mum in mid teens, I could have had a D your age.
You say I sound young, I say I sound a tad immature for my age. Which is really funny because when I was younger, I was told that I was mature for my age. It's like the emotional maturity version of Benjamin Button?
While you, Cherry, you sound like you've got major big girl undies for someone your age. Me, I sometimes feel like I have accidentally nicked kid's my little ponies undies. Not that I could ever fit into them, but you know what I mean.
I guess we should just count our blessings that we don't look older than we are.
I guess I can finally feel myself dropping or cutting away most part of the rope. I don't try to guess what's going on in xh'S head.
I know that if he wants to come back, he will definitely make his wishes known. I am not going to stand at the door and keep looking out for him. Hey, at this point in time, I consider the door closed and quite locked. But I haven't changed the lock and he still has the keys.
I realise now why Cadet tells every newbie that we have been given the gift of time.
It has been 1 year post BD and 7 months post-D and I have been taking stock of my life. What have I done with myself?
Improvements: Physically, I have changed a lot as I had started to let myself go beginning of last year.
New hairstyle, new hair colour, new lashes and of course, a new weight.
I am more conscious of my grooming and try not to step out of the house looking like what the cat dragged in.
Nutrition-wise, I have fallen back on the bandwagon. I used to be conscientious about my fruit and vit intake but now, I just grab whatever is convenient.
Exercise- wise, I have bought a few groupon vouchers for the ice skating rink. Plan to use them for bonding time with kid.
Emotionally, I am coming out of the abyss now that my housing sitch is rather settled. I don't feel so uncertain and insecure anymore and that is improving my general pma. The recent pay increment helped too by letting me realise that things probably aren't as bad as it seems.
Socially, I have been withdrawing into myself but I am going to start going out on dates soon. It's a great pma boost to have so many guys liking my profile but I am going to continue dbing even with these new guys. No expectations; be firm but non-aggressive with my boundaries and take my time in deciding who I will allow into my private sphere; be pleasant but not clingy (totally no issue with this because I am by nature not a clingy person. Damn it, xh, you should know that I don't reciprocate feelings feelings easily. You dont Know what it is that you had.)
I should use more of my dbing skills and other tools in my work though. I realised that validation and words of affirmation almost work wonders professionally. And stating boundaries is a life saver for me and helps me to carve out my personal space from my professional. In my line of work, it's so easy to be consumed 24/7 by work and stakeholders.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I missed xh's message about the time he'll be dropping kid off and made him wait for a good 10 minutes. I thought I was done for when I rushed to the driveway.
Shock no 1: xh wasnt the slightest annoyed. He did crane his neck out of the car window when I hurried to his car. Maybe he was checking out the tight little pair of black shorts. Hey, I have got to flaunt it while I still (barely) have it.
Kid started crying and saying that she wanted to stay at daddy's for the night. I was extremely reluctant as I missed kid and there was only so much of hugging of pillows that I can take.
I tried to persuade her to stay on the scheduled days but kid started to cry. I told her that she was already staying at daddy's for 3 nights. Kid then blabbered something about staying at someone's else's place instead of daddy's. I stiffened and got annoyed. I wasnt going to let kid be away so much if all the xh did was to dump her at his family. I tried not to let my annoyance show.
Xh then hurriedly explained that kid only stayed a night at his sis'. To soothe kid, xh offered to play at the swings with kid. And then in the very next breath, he told kid that he would walk her to our flat and play with her.
And that was shock number 2.
Xh had never been to our new flat. He went to the old one when my mum was still staying with us but that was almost a year ago.
I had to stifle the urge to say no because the flat was in a mess. I had managed to clear the laundry, the rooms were reasonably neat but the floors were full of hair. And the unfolded/ unironed laundry were strewn all over the guest bed.
Damn it. Why couldnt he have picked laundry day or clean the floor day?
In the flat, I had to stop myself from cleaning the flat.
And damn it, kid just told me that xh said the floor was dirty.
Okay. Now I am mad. So he wants to compare me to the precious POS with her live-in help and her millions? Fine.
I should have looked at his crotch and then asked him pointedly, 'Is the dust too much for you? You seem to be reacting very badly to it.'
And why then did he spend so much time with kid in the flat then? The last time I went back to the ex-marital house, the cleanliness of the floor left much to be desired too.
And why did he have to check out the rooms? I refuse to be compared. Morals over cleanliness. Especially when it's cleanliness achieved by help paid from money that the POS could ill-afford on her own.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Is it the full moon? 2- legged canines in the workplace are especially biatchy recently. They really must must multiple PHDs in how to be unprofessional biarches.
Had I known that the this workplace is so stressful and unpleasant, I would have switched to another branch.
As it is, I am now bonded for a good 6 more years. Nothing to do but hunker down, suck it up. Outwit, outlast, outplay.
Okay. Time to think about my new place and furniture.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I love your energy and the way you still find humour in things- this is what I try to approach.
Congrats on the makeover. That's definitely the best way to get a good pma.
I like to wear my big girl panties at times, though lets get this clear- they ain't too big. I do make a point of occasionally getting dressed and flaunting it in front of h if he's in the room whilst finding something to wear. I used to complain about my figure, but after numerous compliments about my teeny waist and big booty- I'm owning it. H always had a thing for that- so nothing wrong with flaunting it. Thata girl on the shorts- I approve!
Maybe xh is missing the family environment? Last time my h went and then came back. He said just seeing me making the place a home did something for him. It's comfort I guess.
Ugh, workplaces is always crawling with biarches. Tip from your buddy over here, power dress, pull the heels out. Flick your hair whilst being a career gal. Makes me feel good walking with a little sashay in my step. Confidence is noted (even if mine is 50% faked). Very helpful if you know your hs latest girl he's possibly getting into an ea with works there *rolls eyes*
Furniture- yes! Make it the cosiest little girl pad!! You and kid can have so much fun furnishing and accessorising!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Ooh Cherry, small waist and big booty. I knew we had things in common. Though booty is getting bigger than I will like it to.
Maybe you're right. I think he may miss a little of what we had. I am pretty sure though that he was comparing my rental to TP's place. Which really angers me because she has help and I dont.
The funny thing was he asked to look at my room, which was really personal and invasive on hindsight. Was he trying to find evidence of a man staying over? Or just trying to check on my housekeeping?
At the back of my mind, there is niggling thought that he had wanted to base any possible R on the state of cleanliness of my flat? Like he's trying to decide if I can match what TP can in terms of domesticity?
By this time, I really don't see any way out but to move onward and I pray, upwards. Even if I can mindread xh accurately, there really is nothing I can do about what he wants to do.
I know for sure though that xh misses the interaction btw kid and me. I see the looks of affection and amusement when he thinks I am not watching. TP definitely doesnt goof around with her kids like I do.
Kid and I are such big goofers and I am really a kid at heart. Kid can be so precocious at times that the role reversal is rather entertaining. Like how kid refuses to let me out of the house if she feels I am wearing something too skimpy.
And my C tells me that kid and I make a rather eyecatching pair. But well, of course she's biased.
And here I have to catch myself from brooding over wtf is going on in xh's head.
As for heels, I really need to work on them. I must really stop wearing mumsy shoes so often.
Ok. Now let's switch from brooding bitter xw channel to martha stewart channel.
Red gloss kitchen? All white kitchen? White and wood? Or wood laminate. Scandinavian scandinavian Or scandinavian industrial? Or just go eclectic?
Decisions decisions.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Me, I sometimes feel like I have accidentally nicked kid's my little ponies undies. Not that I could ever fit into them, but you know what I mean.