I am content, that is a blessing.......

[melweb]

It does sound like you had a great "staycation." Sometimes those are more fulfilling than if you had gone somewhere topical, spent money you didn't have and then spent a week trying to catch up on stuff you didn't do at home.

[HaWho]

Glad you had such a wonderful vacation!

And it's great to hear you feel yourself not dwelling on the situation often. That's wonderful! In the beginning of all this we're told we've been given the gift of time. But it's so hard to see that post BD. But soon enough it clicks. We have a choice: suffer and become martyrs or pull ourselves up and make something of the time.

Good for you!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh, glad to hear you had a good break. I too love to potter around at home and sometimes it's great that the kids can just chill too. I always enjoy reading about your great R with your S - and he sounds like a super lad. It's a shame your H is MIA just now, but who knows what the future may hold for any of us.

I always have to smile about the sparkly jeans - at least he wears a long T-shirt to cover those pockets. Funny, I have a nice pair of jeans with sparkly back pockets - but I think that's probably okay for ladies (and the under 10's..)

Hope you have a great week xx

[mleigh4]

Ok, well, I had mentioned I wanted to open the door with H to communication....I think I did?

S and I did not hear from H all weekend. I was kind of surprised, being that he said he missed S so much on his trip and all, I guess the Friday visit was enough. I imagined him sleeping on and off, watching NASCAR all weekend, no responsibilities and all....

Sunday night at 9 pm he TM asking me if the Safeway monopoly tickets he gave me produced any winners (NO!) And if S was still up. I replied yes he is, do you want to speak with the little man? Nothing, crickets for 40 minutes. I thought, wtf? As S and I were heading to bed, H TM, he was sorry, bit on a fork, chipped his tooth, but is back, is S still up? You know, it was just so stupid, I rolled my eyes, put the phone down, did not reply, we went to bed.

So this afternoon, he sent a TM to coordinate getting S, he still needed to go grocery shopping. I had an errand to run too, so we planned it out. Let me back up, today I noticed some kind of rip on my tire (guys, don't laugh. Yes, I obviously scraped something) so, I am a bit stressed driving on a tire that I am scared will blow, not to mention I need new tires now, not later like planned. More money. So, I mentioned this to H, asked for him to look at tire. I mentioned between house expenses and truck expenses, we need to get together and go over finances and plans. I said we went into separation not knowing what or how long and we should work out how to handle house upkeep and upgrades that have been done. ( The ones he has not chipped in for, carpet, Gardner's and landscaping, cleaning gutters, tree trimming) I added that I could really use the money refund on the boat and RV. Told him to get his thoughts together and we could go over next month.

Money stresses me out, but I do really feel these things need to be gone over as this looks to be a long term separation and I am shelling out a lot of money on my own.

H replied that he has no problem helping with house upkeep and hopes I don't think he is unwilling to help.

I replied, that would be a huge relief, that he never offered so I wasn't sure how to handle it. I said I don't really know what is going on, some enlightenment would be great, we really need to go over some things.

He replied, he offered help with the stove, termite, half of after school care and $1300 a month, that he has never complained, that it's unfair to say he never offered.

I told him, texting this stuff is terrible, hard to read, that I am not upset or complaining. I told him I think it is time to go over finances and plans, and I am approaching him with that. I said I appreciate his offering to help with the things he has, but there are other things done that need to be addressed. It's time to touch base, either by text or email if he prefers, but face to face avoids misinterpretation. I said, I don't want to fight, I think this time has been a really good thing for both of us, and still is. I said it would just be nice to communicate about the elephant in the room, clear the air a little, and clue each other in.

He said he agreed, in person is better, he is not upset either, he just didn't want me to think he doesn't want to or won't help.

Ok, the "help" word was getting to me. Yes, he was being very nice, as always, but he is not some big shot making six figures and "helping" out his estranged wife he got tired of who can't take care of herself. Oh no, that is not me. I needed to give a truth dart.

I said, hmmmm, weelllll. I would not say you are "helping" me. You are paying what you are responsible for, the $1300 is 1/2 the mortgage you signed up for, nothing more, and I am not asking for anything more than what you owe. And I do appreciate that you honor that, many men don't without being forced. (No offense, you guys on here rock)

Some of you may think I took that the wrong way, but I have always gotten the vibe he thinks he is helping me by sending that check every month. No, that is nothing more than what he owes for the mortgage. I fully feed and clothe my son, except what he buys him, pay for field trips and school projects and fully take care of all home utilities and upkeep on my own.

He replied ok? Then talking in person is better. Then he followed up with, if this has been a "really good thing" for both of us.... "and still is"...then it must have helped you somehow?


Well lookie there! I got him intrigued? He actually wants to know what I think or feel about something??

It may have been better to think that one out, but I didn't. I replied, it has helped me in many ways. I am me again, but kinder, more patient, and have learned to appreciate the small things and the ones I love, and most of all, to let them know it. How about you?

S and I got to his house before he could answer, but he mentioned he was going to go erase the text he was about to send. I said why, about what? He said, in answer of a few texts before....whatever that meant. I didn't pry, just said again we should get together to talk in person.

So, I do plan on following through to follow up on expenses he owes me, and assets that I have money tied up in, but no access to. (Boat and RV are at his dad's tow yard, convenient for him) We will see if he ever responds to his question to me.

I have been wanting to address this stuff for awhile, feels good to finally have done it. And I am not scared! Not scared of him getting mad, not scared of what he might say, I feel so ready to deal with some things.

[bttrfly]

Good for you!!!! On cel can't really respond as I wish but want to say I think you are doing very well xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Hi guys. More communication with H that I wanted to share. I reached out to him again, said I thought more about his question to me if this has helped me. I told this experience has been like 3 years of therapy and still going! Although the most painful, it has forced me to face my demons, my daddy issues of abandonment and my mom's emotional abuse, I told him I have accepted they did their best and learned to not be a product of their mess, but instead, to be a better person. Told him I have found my happy place and have learned the skills to enjoy life everyday, it's all perception. I said I hope to break the pattern of dysfunction with S, that I realize we went into marriage with no skills and had no idea what we were doing! Lol. I told him I love him and always will and hoped his time and space were helping him too, that I am always here to talk. I apologized for sending this during the week, that I know he is busy and work is his priority, but I feel if I don't start saying these things, they will never get said.

His reply came at the end of that day. It started by being defensive about my comment of work being his priority. He said his position requires a lot of time but it has not become an unreasonable burden or bad impact on S. He says his job is allowing us to keep the house I am in and for us to maintain our lifestyle. He added he is NOT saying I don't contribute, because I definitely do, and hoped I understood what he meant. He said he would love to work less, but this is a great opportunity for him and he is proud he was offered it.

H: I have learned and am still learning a lot about myself. I've never thought or tried to place blame on you for where we are now. There's plenty of things we both have done wrong and trying to place blame doesn't change a thing. I have reflected on my own mistakes, my own shortcomings, my own issues and am trying to work on things. I just know that I enjoy work, spending time with S, and I tinker on things at home to balance out hectic days. I too will always love you, I worry every day and hope we continue to be civil and friends no matter how things end up.

So, sounds like we are both in the same place. Thought of you Cali, sounds like he is exactly where you always say and doing like you said. I needed to hear that from H, I hope we can continue opening up here and there.

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh- it sounds as though your H is amenable to the 'status quo' continuing and that he doesn't have any particular plans to move the current situation forward in any particular direction.

It sounds as though that suits you too at this point and the interactions have settled you for now?

Xx

[mleigh4]

Weelllll Sotto. You know me better than that. I have been ok, am mostly ok, I really try to stay focused on being ok.....today I am ok but I have been struggling and can't promise tomorrow I will be ok. I almost feel like I need to lay it all out on the table to H, this is where I am at. I know this may not be proper DB, but it is sort of an experiment for me, to not only see H reaction, but my own. I am going to take this all in, give it some time and will go from there.

I wrote H today:

Happy Friday. Your work being important was not a jab, it seems to be the major focus in your life is what I meant, there is no right or wrong with that, it's whatever works for you. I am very proud of what you have accomplished, always have been, and happy it makes you happy. I know S is your priority and I think you are a good dad. I think it is great that we are civil and friendly, able to spend holidays together, even vacations. That is huge, it baffles many people! Lol! But I believe it could remain that way, as long as we are open, honest and upfront with each other. I think that is what brings me to reaching out to you. This arrangement has been working well for me for quite a while, I have been healing and needed the time and space to do it. I am pretty content these days but not sure how much longer....I am not looking to be alone much longer at this point in my life and want a family environment for S and myself. There are so many things I want to do, but I want someone to share the memories with. I know you always tell me to not hold back but I would never bring someone I cared about into the middle of this, that would be unfair to all of us. I suppose at some point I will know what to do if we remain in limbo like this and I will be upfront with you about it. I hope you do the same with me. In the meantime I enjoy us all spending time together, I know S does too. Thanks for listening and giving your feedback. I think it's important to keep each other filled in until we decide which path to take here. Hope you are having a good day.

......so, ya, full open honesty there. No games just truth. I can probably give this another year but I am truly drifting away from any hope with him. Not so much because of his actions, because of my own feelings towards him. Loss of attraction, admiration, respect and trust. I believe in standing and giving time, however why hold myself from moving on? This 180 of opening up to him feels like another step in the process for me. Another part of doing everything I could. Now, I can't look back and say, I should have been more open with him, like I do about our past. This isn't so much about his response, it is about me taking steps to be able to fully let go. Because I know he is not ready to work on R and I know he does not want me, I am not expecting any miracle here, this helps me to talk through it, with him, to know I was not wrong in letting this go.

Any word on Job??

[HaWho]

Oh my gosh. Your sitch is so mature compared to mine. I feel like I am living in Pee-wee's Playhouse.

You sound so very balanced. It is good to see you doing what you need to do to take care of you and give you peace of mind.

[mleigh4]

Lol Hawho, you make me laugh so much, you would be such a great friend to hang out with. Thank you, I appreciate your support.

I keep expecting 2x4's, for not following the rules of no R talk. As you know, I flip back and forth, I can stand, I am done, it depends on the day. I read and re-read my post listing all the things I know, then I start doubting! Lol. This is such a crazy ride. But like you said, I am doing this for me, it feels right and I just know it won't hurt or change anything other than, like you said, giving me piece of mind.

I got tickets to the Roots Festival coming during Memorial Day weekend! My first Reggae concert! It's a 3 day event but I am just doing Sunday to see one of my favorite bands. Just me and one of my besties, we are so excited. I hear from friends that I will be in a sea of surfers....heaven! I asked H if he will be around that weekend to have S so I can go, he said yes. Now, he just TM saying, so I have S this weekend Sat and Sunday?? Sigh, this man is in charge of 55 guys? I don't get it. I told him no, Memorial Day weekend. I sure hope he will actually be around and not pull any last minute forgetfulness. I will make sure to follow up on that.

So, H response to me today: I agree that this has been...overall a good thing for us...I still worry constantly about S, as I'm sure you do too, but he is amazing and handling it as well as can be expected. I do miss him so much it hurts sometimes. But I know as you would say, that this is my choice, even though it seems to be what you wanted and needed also. But I am very glad we can keep the civil, friendly relationship that we have, because I believe S benefits the most from us handling things with his best interests first,like we have.

What a bunch of crap that he thinks anything out of this will benefit our son, other than scarring him for life. But yes, we are making the best of a chitty situation he put us in. And I would really love to tell him, you are misunderstanding, I never "wanted" or "needed" my husband to leave me, but yes, once he turned into a 20 year old selfish jerk who disrespected our family and home, it was time for him to go.

But I won't! Yay me, I keep the 24 hour rule with important discussions like these. No reacting on emotions! In fact, I am thinking to let it rest, I shared my feelings with him and feel good about it.

I hope you all have a great weekend.