Hey Merrick - I recall, you are a big hockey fan. I am going to try your recommendation of NHL therapy with my son tonight at a Red Wings game! W even gave me the tickets - but I think I will have fun anyway
Hi Merrick, Just checking in on you? How are you doing this fin sunday? I'm doing good. i have been playing on the computer.I spent the morning on law sights.I think my eyes are going to roll back in my head.They use a lot of big words and they take the long way to say something.LOL Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Ohboy--Looks like the Wings took a night off before the playoffs, but I hope you still had a good time!
Briget--thanks for looking out for me. I did a quick computer check while W was out and saw your note.
Not much new going on here. W was very calm--actually semi-pleasnt yesterday, but we weren't near each other a lot. My pleasantness is defintiely affecting her, however, because, she continues to think I'm engaged in ways to get her. I can no longer validate this and finally told her that if I was out to get her, there were 45 different things I could do to undermine her, but that was not who I am. Perhaps a bit threatening, but I thgink I needed to say this at least once.
This morning, however, Damian returned with lots of shouting from frustration. It started when I asked the kids some Qs about Palm Sunday. W said this implied that she was not teaching them enough and I needed to show off how much I knew. This got her onto a roll with everything under the sun.
The ambivalance is high, however, in that she actually said she expects me to pacify her. For example, during her tirade (about life in general), the kids were confused and I hugged D5. W asked why don't you comfort her the way I comfort D5 with a hug (I should have asked if she wanted a hug, but every time I try that she bites hard--figuraively). She added that I should be saying she's a good mother and were all entitled to let allow our emotions flow. But instead, she says I scold her the 5% of the time she loses it. I remained calm and continued validating.
It is so clear to me that everything she sees wrong in her life is projected onto me. My detachment is there because I can handle this--and it's clear she's looking for a fight. The new problem I have is that there are upcoming issues on spending and child-rearing that cannot be ignored--and I really don't want to engage this beast right now because on every matter with two sides, she's a bullying, shouting maniac. I can detach, but who needs this crap. I know--patience, patience, patience.
This week, I'm going to check into temporary day care just in case she decides to dump all the responsibilities for child-rearing into my lap. I'd probably have to take off work for a week, but I need an after-school plan in case the need arises.
Take care y'all. Maybe i'll be back tonight for advice on W's upcoming birthday this week.
From what your W has said, reg. hugs, kisses and ILY, i get the impression that she is really reaching out for some affection and love. I know tha once bitten twice shy, so it makes you stop offering your affection when the rejection factor is high.
Do you think your W might be suffering from depression or some sort of physical illness? Her rampaging reminds me of when my H was in the deep dark depths. Sometimes all he wanted was for me to hold him and tell him I Loved Him, but yet he would push me away if i attempted to. It's a hard sitch.
Where you very affectionate before this? Is your withdrawal a sort of more of the same? To me it seems like you are very withdrawn from your W and i can understand why this would be so. However, total withdrawal is different from detaching.
Do you still love your W? If so, how can you communicate this to her?
Just another question: What are your goals? How do you know if you are achieveing them? What will be the first sign that your W is thawing?
These are the Q's that i have to remind myself of in order to keep going forward.
I agree with some of the others with the X issue, maybe next time surprise her with your response!!!
Hi Merrick: It's been a long struggle for us hasn't it?? I finally caught up to you and your thread. I'm sorry to read that your W is still in LaLa-land. I commend you on your patience and commitment. I wish I could offer some sage advice, but I can't. I just wanted to stop by and offer a pat on the back. It sounds to me that your W is in emotional hell and has been for a long time. Maybe it was because of something that you failed to provide her, or more likely it was an unmet expectation(s) that she had and never communicated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not finger pointing, just mentioning it to say that irregardless, you are doing an awesome job. The LBS is always the last to know, and until your W is ready all you can do is exactly what you are doing. Keep planning for you/kids future ( with or without her ), and have patience. As I keep getting reminded, you will know when the time comes what you should do, if you don't then you're not ready. Take care, and keep the faith. GB..D
Good friends are like precious jewels; hard to find, but worth the price to hold onto to..
Oh no, please tell me that your W and I do not share birthdays! We damn Aries women are tough to live with, I know. And boy, is your W personifying all our negative traits right now.
Having met you now, I am having a good chuckle at visualizing Briget's suggestion to hug her and run! But I do think it's the one tact that you haven't taken with her... and it might be interesting to see how she reacts.
I wouldn't even say this if I didn't know how resolved you are to commiting yourself to remaining detached.
Merrick, of all the people who post here, you have got to be the most brilliant strategist of all of us. To those who have not yet met our NY friend, he's got a really good handle on what all this means and how he can best take care of himself and the kids through this stuff. He thinks 10 steps ahead, where most of us are wallowing in now.
Hey, did you make it home in time for the hockey game?
Thanks for hanging out at Starbucks in the rain...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Briget, for the record, Downbtntout's post to me was number 666. I hope he changes this. Twice in two weeks is too much for me!
Busy week ahead and the kids are off from school. W's active Christian friend from VA and her kids will be staying with us for a couple of nights this week. Also, W's birthday is this week. I'm disinclined to send a card, but am not sure.
The big news today is that W's atty called me. She wanted me to hire an expert to evaluate my law degree so its worth could be included in the separation agreement. I told the attorney that I recognized the awkwardness of speaking with me directly, but explained that this D was W's decision and that all I asked from W was a proposal. I added that I remained committed to reconciliaiton and I had no intention of doing anything right now, but if W wanted to hire this person, that was fine and I would cooperate with W and atty to provide any information necessary for them to prepare an offer. Her atty. said she would communicate that to W.
I also indicated to the atty that I was reasonably comfortable that W had no grounds for D in NYS and that in fact, I probably had stronger grounds. Her atty said that from her convos with W--our M was irreconcileable and that we should move on for the benefit of the kids. I answered that I understood what W was feeling right now and that I respected attys opinion based solely on what she had heard from W, but we'll go from here.
The atty then asked if I was open to having W and I meet with someone on what is best for the kids. I said I was open.
In my view, this is working exactly as I had hoped. W retains all ownership of D and must confront additional choices with her atty. In addition, some subtleties of the convo suggest that I am correct in not moving. W has hired an experienced advocate that will provide W with all her options. At another level, if I take this atty at her word, W is committed to this action--so I think I need to back off and take care of myself even more--without any guilt. W is likely to be even more angry that she has to make additional choices in pursuing D, and her wrath will fall on me. One day at a time.
Hey Sharo---I mean Betsey. Has your dad figured out yet if I'm an axe murderer or not?
Thanks for the nice post. I'm thinking about the hug and run, but we'll see. I may offer to "satisfy her" for her B-day (Wednesday) given that it's hard to see how she could react any more negatively than 90% of the other things I do. Her reaciton could be insightful as to whether there is any thaw in the icebox.
I didn't make it back for the game, but I have playoff tix ahead. PMA is still good, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there's some emptiness longing to be filled by a loving W. I'll check your thread later--gotta work.
But I do think it's the one tact that you haven't taken with her... and it might be interesting to see how she reacts.