Morning Scrant! Sorry to hear your S isn't well, and I do hope he's all better soon. Yes, I would agree it's a courtesy to advise of trips - but maybe that's something for the longer term as she has so little involvement in your S's care just now and you have also learned this third hand.
In terms of you feeling resentful (which I can understand). Looking in from the outside, I believe you are in a far, far better place than your W at this point. It may seem like she is good time party gal - going off with OM. And maybe she feels like that at this point. But I don't think going off and effectively giving up custody and care of your S is a happy place to be. Actually, she is giving up a great deal to be with this OM just now - and he is an adulterous man - and all of that is likely to crumble at some point and she will likely be pretty broken by that. Also, there is the guilt and misery about what she has 'done' to a good man and to her family. And if you wound others in that way, it is a self-wound too.
If you read sitches like those of RD - I think these guys who keep it all going with the family (whilst that must be tough at times) - are on a much happier path. And the kids will always know that you were there for them - and you can rest easy at night knowing that too. And this is the stuff that really, truly matters. So, whilst it must feel a bit blah sometimes with these chores to keep it all going - it's worth remembering the alternative, which certainly won't be all rainbows and unicorns, I can tell you. However, things do take time to unfold.
Anyway, just my rambling thoughts this morning and I hope your S is on the mend today.
X
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for your thoughts. He's brighter today and at least I get to give him a cuddle when he needs it. Just spending some quiet time together. I don't ask but I assume he has some contact with W each day on whatsapp so that must be strange for her wherever she is. Sometimes I don't recognise her anymore but like all the sitchs I read I suppose that is part of the process. Maybe she'll change or maybe she's too far gone into her own delusions and obsessions. I'll walk my own path despite missing her and having the odd down day.
Just checking in. After NC I emailed W to sort out monthly finance details. I got back an email complaining how tired she is with her lack of contact with S and saying it seems really bad for her and also for him. She says she thinks we should meet soon. She doesn't say why she thinks we should meet, if it is to listen to her complain about S then I'm not inclined to go. He is fine, cheerful and good company but reluctant to spend time with his mother. She makes no reference to finances so no idea what she wants to talk about. I don't really want to sit and listen to her complaints while she is still living her life with OM. I feel like replying to say that on Thursdays I'm busy and I'm not aware of any reason to meet. I'm sorry that her R is poor with S but it is something she has earned for herself over many years and I can't really do anything to interfere. With so little contact I don't know what she is thinking and feeling but I don't want to dance to her every contact.
Hi Scrant - was just thinking about checking in on you and here you are posting!
Yes, you could reply along the lines of - I'm busy Thursdays, so that doesn't work for me. Sorry you're feeling that way about S - Its not my place to interfere, but of course I'll always encourage him when he wants to see you. Take care.
Hope you're doing okay my friend 😊
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've sent the email and received no reply. She hasn't proposed another day. I think W feels a lot of frustration with S and realizes that I'm slowly detaching from her. She seems to be respecting that for the moment, no repeats of the I miss you messages. Just keep on my own path.
Just checking in. Got a lot on at work so occupied most of the time. S has a foreign exchange student staying with us for ten days. She is a nice girl and they are having a good time. W has decided that she wants to meet her and started texting our family group and me individually. She has clearly noticed my NC because she says if you don't want to see me can I take them out for lunch? She also proposed the 4 of us going out. She then texted me to say things can't go on like this, I'm his mother I have to see him sometimes. I haven't replied yet for two reasons. Firstly S has made it clear he doesn't want to have lunch with her. I asked him to communicate directly to her but to try to be kind. Secondly it is very likely we and other host families will all go out for the day together. W won't be part of that group given the circumstances. I understand her frustration but she is stressing me and S. She chose her path and we can't play happy families when it suits her. I spent last night taxiing the kids around , I bet she was having an evening out with OM. I'm planning meals etc for the kids while she can do whatever she feels like, no responsibilities most of the time. Sorry just venting!
She has spent half the morning ringing me. I didn't pick up as I was with all the parents of S's basketball team and so didn't feel the need to talk then. She started sending texts about why won't I even answer the phone anymore, getting quite cross. She even left a voicemail which I didn't listen to. Eventually I sent a text saying the game was noisy and sorry for not answering. I told her the kids have plans for today and tomorrow. She didn't reply. She'll be able to follow S's plans while the exchange is on as she belongs to our parents chat group from a previous year. I don't know if I'm handling things well but I'm tired of being there when it suits her.
I want to make a suggestion, b/c you are acting as if you are a very "trained" H. Ignoring her persistent calls during the game is fine. However, don't make up some wimpy excuse to give her. And most of all......don't tell her you are sorry!
You could just as easily have said that you were busy watching the game and it was not the place or time to talk on the phone. If she started some irate brow-beating, then say, "I was simply returning your call, but I refuse to listen to you rant". And then just end it and don't respond to her for the rest of the night. In fact, don't respond until she texts an apology.
This way, you show strength and that you choose your actions. She doesn't get to tell you what to do. Don't let her manipulate you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Fair point Sandi. I've got into the habit of trying to avoid conflict. Don't worry I won't let her manipulate me. I sense she is frustrated because neither S or I respond as she wants. She wants to play happy families and still seems to be in denial over the results of her actions on the family unit, she doesn't seem to realize it doesn't exist anymore.
Just had an intense conversation with W. She rang while I was out of the house, as I didn't answer she texted about maybe she needed a lawyer. Anyway we spoke for ten minutes, she was angry and frustrated about relationship with S. She veered between shouty and teary so I listened and validated but agreed to nothing. First she asked could she come with us on our exchange trip out tomorrow. I gently said I didn't think it was a good idea and S wouldn't be comfortable. This a cue for lots of ramblings about how she couldn't understand why he wouldn't be comfortable with his own mother ( I can think of a major reason!) and she only sees him 5 minutes a week and she's his mother and it isn't normal he won't see her I agreed she is his mother but also pointed out I can't make him want to be with her as he almost 16. She said she isn't prepared to continue like this. I said I understood how she felt but S and her needed to talk it over. She then said she wanted us to invite her for dinner once a week. I said S wouldn't be comfortable. We continued with me validating until she talked herself out. I told a couple of things S had done and told her to take care. She quietly said the same. Don't know how to interpret it. One way is to see her frustrated because things haven't happened like she wanted. Who knows if her R with OM is worth the effort?
X