WAW still behaving angry and moving to divorce

[SH_]

Just some musings of a LBH this fine Saturday morning as I struggle to ward off the depression and manage some anxiety/panic attacks.

My mind keeps wandering to interactions and experiences with WAW from our 19 year marriage. You know, the interactions where I do it all wrong and can see that now in the replay. It hurts my heart and brings on a great rush of guilt in seeing it. I then start to wonder if it was that interaction, or that other one that finally broke the camels back and then started the domino affect that has led to these sad and difficult situations today.

As I sit and ponder on this, I can't help but think, that I now get it.... you know.... the answer to the age old question we all ask when we are watching a horror movie and the characters in the movie start heading into that creepy house that we all know is where the start of the horror will begin. We all ask the same question in that situation..."Why the he// are you going into that creepy house!??!" You know that nothing good will happen by going in there. But, alas, they always wander into the house and the horrors that follow, hardly realizing why they are doing so.

I guess that watching the movie from the outside always makes sense, but when you are in the midst of it all, you just can't seem to see the disaster that will ensue due to poor choices, conversations and actions you make. And now I relate to those characters in the movie as I live my own daily horror show. I walked into the house of horrors over 19 years never paying attention to my lack of emotional connections with my sweet loving wife.

Anyhow, my spiritual leader, continues to advise me and encourage me to seek out forgiveness for myself, so that I can accept my errors, and learn from them and move on in a manner that changes any poor behaviors from the past. In this I will find peace and be able to change my future behaviors to be a better person. If only I knew how to release the guilt that I feel.

Today I am working and it has provided way to much time to think as it is super slow here at work, but I am looking forward to running a 5K this evening with my D17. It will be a welcome distraction and a way to flood my system with those good chemicals that exercise does, so I can rid myself of these anxiety induced chemicals that are currently taking over my system.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and chin up, look forward and be strong for your other loved ones that are in your life. You owe it to them, and you deserve to be happy regardless of the painful decisions that our spouses are making now.