Moving Ahead in UK - pt17 - been here so long!

[Huddy]

GAL activity last night and I got home about 0300! Up for the kids at 0745 (I expected W to bring the kids over because she was working) and she didn't come until after 10. I could have called, I could have texted, but that's non dependency in action when I act as if I don't care what she's doing.

W arrives at the door and I can see she has tears in her eyes. The kids are joyous as always, but W didn't look happy at all. W asks if I can have three weeks off with the kids at the start of the 'big' school holidays in July. I said no, I can't take a huge block of time off, and she genuinely looked like she was going to burst in to tears. In my heart, I was kinda hoping that we might be 'back together' by the summer, but hey ho.

I say I can have two weeks off and she said OK and then turned away, said that she'd me tomorrow and then headed down the stairs. She did look upset and, frankly, awful. Not in the sense of her looks, but in her demeanour.

It was hard not to say something comforting or reach out and I still wonder if I should be doing something, anything, different. I don't know what could be the one thing that lifts the fog and she sees clearly again, and if I should be doing something to enable her. I am being the lighthouse; warm, affectionate, but letting her make her own mistakes, and I have to keep reminding myself that she sacked me as H, and that she has to make the first move, only for me to have moments of self doubt and think I should say something.

Then of course, it could all be manipulation. The kids have been off for two weeks and they have probably drove her up the wall (she was never very good at coping with them on her own). She has a planned appointment for cosmetic surgery next week (although she has looked at other providers on my son's laptop, which he brought over) and she might want the kids away from her so she can have the surgery done. How she would hide a breast enlargement, without me noticing, I have no idea!

Basically, I'm locked in to that terrible position of limbo land. W could have started D proceedings this week, but hasn't. I could have done the same, but it's not what I want. My colleagues and friends keep telling me to move on and forget her - I can't. I'm living with hope; that's eternal. Living with no hope is the road to depression.

Rambling as usual, but my audience of a 6 & 7 year old, probably wouldn't appreciate it!