I wouldn't call this a thaw, but a view into her game plan.
Although this feels like a chess match because every thought and action has to be thought out and weighed against our overall strategy, we will never capture the king and end the game. The game goes on as long as we are alive. Sure we'll have major accomplishments and capture a queen now and then, but there will never be a final decisive victory. Although we, or S can dump the board and concede defeat = D. But this chess game isn't about winning - it's about playing.
W has been playing her pieces in two games, on two different boards. She been hoping you dump the board and end the game, but instead you've shown her you aren't out to win, you want to play as long as possible. She's starting to see she can't move all her pieces from one board onto another game like she wanted to, ergo the outbursts of anger, and now some slips of acceptance.
She's beginning to be intrigued by the "new" game you are playing now, and is wondering if she can learn the rules, and if any of the old rules (ILY, sex, kids) still apply. She doesn't neccessarily want to play the new game yet, but her slips are showing she's recognized the rules have changed. This is good!
I've also learned you can't upset S's game with OP either, because then S spends all their time picking up those pieces, and some (or most) of them get setup on the other game board again. S has to stop playing one of the games, and it is our job to make our game be the most fun so they choose to end the other game.
Very well, put!! merrick, You described what I have lived in the last year with H. Down to exact words!!! 2Tim, put it very well, she is beginning to get intrigued.
In my case, H calls several times a day, but I haven't seen him in a week. He is now pleasant. We will see were this goes.
Just hang in there, you are doing great!
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Just wanted to pop in and say hello. Glad you had a nice time w/fellow BBers. It sure would be nice to have some sort of "gathering" for all of us to meet and hug in person. Anyhow, keep on hanging. You're still on board. Tootles..................
W was asleep when I got home last night, so that was a relief.
This morning, I couldn't find my work ID so I had to stick around for a while while searching. This led to several exchanges.
W pursued me again and disrobed in front of me saying this is all I wanted (I need an anti-blue pill ). I never looked (fool!) and kept my back to her. She followed me and said history was repeating itself with the walls. I said I felt “afraid” to talk to her. She acted stupified saying just because she's emotional, I can't shut her out. She said she was nice to me 95% of the time and when asking for an example, I cited her calling me an a$$hole at the restaurant with the kids. She denied it, but backtracked when I said she did and every kid heard her (not so good DBing--but some things can't slide). This led to the “perfection” routine (I only accept perfection) and a complaint that she needed me to take charge the way I did in the restaurant and never did for 14 years. I validated and said it was wrong to expect perfection. She said my words did not match my aciotns—and I said I’m sorry if I acted like I expected perfection, because no one is perfect. During this, I kept eye contact. It semed to defuse her somewhat.
On a final note, I thought about reply to her e-mails on Tuesday (the ILY day). Any thought on this reply, or should I just bag it?
I just had the opportunity to digest your e-mails from Tuesday and let me assure you, with the most sincere heart, that I too, want what is best for our kids. I wish there was an easy formula, but I have not found it yet. I do believe that my daily presence is a positive influence in their lives, but I also understand the irreplaceable role you play in their lives. For Godsake, you are their mother!!! No one can question your devotion, love, and commitment to their well-being. While we may not always agree on things, I certainly don't question your dedication to them. It also saddens me to think I'm viewed as having a plot to take them away from you--because that is among the last things I want.
One last thought. Before I left on Tuesday, you also said that I never say "I love you" anymore and could not remember the last time I said it. To be honest, I thought those would be the last words you would want to hear from me. I hope you know that regardless of what happens between us, you will always have a special place in my heart."
Final note: SIL called me in the morning to present the “move out” side of the equation. I told her I was not yet ready and why. I really need to stop talking to her family. RCIA tonight and W is out as well. Until later.
Merrick, Time to face her.Not in words.I would never turn my back to her again.When she is standing there yelling and screaming just let her scream and shout.but don't turn your back to her.
Did I ever mention I'm one of those women who pitch fits and screams?Well I was.I vowed to never be again. My husband is the type of man who will not fight back.(Im not saying fight back)But if I was angry he wouldn't deal with it.he would let me go on for hours and hours.I would follow him around the house.He would ignore me.And it infuriated me to no end.After a while I would go one to a more deadly form of abuse. The silent treatment.I once went two whole weeks without speaking a work to him.
but she has a point.you have said in several of your posts you walked away.I'm telling you from a person who has this personality.Look at her when she is talking.You don't have to say anything.In fact it might be best if you don't.
You could try every time you are with her thinking I love you. I love you.That way you will have a loving look on your face instead of a angry one.I don't know where I read that but it could help.Can't hurt.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Merrick, Im freaking out right now. My W gave me the same exact line today. The part about my words never matched my actions. This is too weird to put into words. Must be some klind of April foools joke. Youll have to tune into my thread for the rest. I think we have twin wives. God Bless, Eddy
Finally caught up to ya, buddy. I'm the last person you would want advice or anything from, but I did want to offer some encouragement, as pale as it is in comparison to your support of me and my sitch.
Didn't get caught up on your sitch, so i'm not up to par regarding the emails you want to reply to, but it seems as though your reply is well worded, you say some kind things and stand ground where necessary without sounding harsh.
FJust my two cents.
Hey, your fave hockey team is closing the gap for a playoff spot. Good Luck. We actually had their minor league team upstate here for a few years, until they were bought out and became a ML affiliate of NJ Devils.
I used to be a Bruins fan. Don't follow the sport much anymore, Football's the sport of choice.
Your friend in PMA,
Joe
Separated...Where to go from here?
Old thread: 14 yrs., 2 kids, W wants out
Thanks for wishing me a "Happy Birthday" over on Eddy's thread. It really was a nice day. H wrote me a poem! Hang in there, Merrick. You yourself said that my sitch was crazy and you wondered how I put up with some of the alien garbage. Keep believing in miracles!
I don't post much these days, but I lurk around and I always check on your thread. I agree with the others that have warned you not to turn your back. I also like the idea of thinking "ILY" when W is on a rampage. I believe that this is a variation of the "intestinal energy radiation" technique (remember that?). On the days when my H was in need of an exorcist, I honestly would visualize my positive energy and love neutralizing my H's negativity. I saw it as a battle of wills. Good against evil and he eventually buckled under the pressure. I think that I had the advantage (and you do too) because I knew what I was doing. I knew that I needed to remain consistent and that I needed to be strong. He didn't know what he was doing. He just acted and reacted. My CONSISTENTLY positive energy eventually won out because it came from a place of strength. Your W's actions are not eminating from a consistent and strong source. If you remain constant, then you operate from a source of strength too.
It's getting late and I don't know if any of this made any sense. I have to go to bed now because I'm having Lasik tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Good luck Christine! DBB, rememeber I told you that you were lucky W moved out!!! Brig-good advice. What made you stop being a pursuer?
I got a chance to try all this stuff again. About 3:30 a.m., W must have been tossing and turning because I woke up and looked at the clock. When she saw me stir, she launched a barrage with so much stuff that I couldn't possibly get it all down. The gist: * Do you like what you're doing to me and the kids? * You're doing the same thing. I've warned you what will happen if you don't do "x" (move out now) and you're doing it any way. * Would you like to ? (bitter tone). We never did that in the middle of the night like all normal couples. (I said no) Are you refusing me? (one-year refusal is grounds for NY). * But you're such a good H, father, and Christian that it doesn't matter and being a good Christian will make this work (saif mockingly). * Do you need to go downstairs and write this in your journal? * She added that I'm just waiting for her to crash so I can take the kids, and added once again that the blood will be on my hands.
I just withstood the barrage. I finally said, I wish you would stop saying I have a plot to take away the kids. You're their mother and I wouldn't want to do that. She replied, that's what you say to clear your conscience, but you'll do it anyway. But after that, she stopped.
The barrage continuued in the morning, where she said I was so selfish I could not look at how I was destroying the kids. She said I needed to set "THEM" free. In arguably poor DBing (although there really was little I could say that would not be met with resistance), I said 1) that while the current sitch was not good, the consequences of D for kids are not good either and I had to weigh that; 2) I reminded her of the numerous times she holds my "one" earlier swearing outburst over my head--when she says she never does it, and 3) I told her not to tell me how "I" feel (she often projects her thoughts of my feelings onto me).
Eventually, I just validated everything she said: Yes, I was selfish and didn't care about the kids (she then defended me and said this is not what she meant--I used; the term "killing" the kids--she said she never used that term). Yes, I was selfish in finding my own inner peace to continue on; Yes, I was selfish in trying to do the best I can within my convicions.
The one thing that stopped it all was my finally saying, "Look, I'm supposed to speak with your lawyer today. I'm doing what you asked me to do."
Clearly, she is scared out of her wits that I have a case against her if we get into a pitched legal battle--and she is lashing out like a caged animal. I'm trying my darndest to give her space, but I guess it's not enough. So much inside of me says get out of there--but so much else says that is not good either and feeds a bloodthirsty beast. Talking to Berto in DC about his W's manipulation also makes me additionally nervous.
I think my next approach after dealing with her attorney is to ask her, short of moving out right now, what steps I can take to give her the freedom she needs. Or I should just dump her demands back in her lap saying that I told her four months ago to present me her plan of freedom and I've still seen nothing yet. What else can i do?
). I never looked (fool!) and kept my back to her. She followed me and said history was repeating itself with the walls. I said I felt “afraid” to talk to her. She acted stupified saying just because she's emotional, I can't shut her out. She said she was nice to me 95% of the time and when asking for an example, I cited her calling me an a$$hole at the restaurant with the kids. She denied it, but backtracked when I said she did and every kid heard her (not so good DBing--but some things can't slide). This led to the “perfection” routine (I only accept perfection) and a complaint that she needed me to take charge the way I did in the restaurant and never did for 14 years. I validated and said it was wrong to expect perfection. She said my words did not match my aciotns—and I said I’m sorry if I acted like I expected perfection, because no one is perfect. During this, I kept eye contact. It semed to defuse her somewhat.