My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

I think the thing is...I don't know what to do. I still see her as being my wife and the thought of her not just doesn't seem real. I can't grasp a hold of it. This weekend is the church thing that I talked about a while back and it's going to be I'll be there from 4 this afternoon to 11 tonight. 7 tomorrow morning all day through tomorrow night at 11. And again sunday morning until about 2 or 3. She said she was going to spend time with one of her friends (who is a trouble maker herself) that just broke up with her boyfriend. So, strictly speculating that's where she IS going to be, I don't trust her there anymore than if she would of said "I'm going to go out on a date."

I have mentioned her living the single life..."ok, by mentioning it, let's just say it wasn't in the most passive of tones..." but she said she doesn't want to live it. I know the whole don't believe what you hear thing. And I understand it works both ways, both good and bad. But, one night she asked me "why do I not want her to be happy?" I asked her, so the only way you could ever be happy will be with a divorce. She kind of froze like she didn't know what to say, like she wasn't expecting it and finally she said "I don't know".

I don't want to date, have no desire to date, just the thought of being with anyone other than her is not even an option. So, I'm not her, I don't know if she is seeing/planning on seeing someone else. I don't know/don't care. I know me and I know I'm not. The best I can do is be me and be true to myself.

I think i'm trying to placate things so much that i may have inadvertently placed myself in the "friend zone". I don't want get so far into the friend zone that I can't get out. But I also don't want make her mad to the point where it undoes any-positive-thing. Also, I'f I start barking out orders, kicking her out of the bed, etc.. it'll just reinforce her perception that I am selfish and only do things for myself. Yes, I spent the bulk of my marriage being selfish... selfishness got me to HERE. I don't want to be HERE. So, as a Christian (and a man) aren't I supposed to love her as Christ loved the church and do anything for her? I know I can't allow myself to be walked over. But I don't want to reinforce any negative perception of me she has when I need to be doing everything I can do to show her the opposite.

I just want us to be happy together. To show her there was a reason we fell in love and got married. I don't want her to think that it should've stopped at friendship. Because isn't the basis of any marriage a great friendship? Perhaps we both forgot that. Perhaps we forgot that at one point in time I would count down the days, minutes to when I got to leave work to go to her house to see her. I don't know how else to show her than to live it. Because if she is anything, she is one of those people who judges you based on your actions and not your words. You can tell her anything. But with her, you HAVE to back it up to show her you meant it or else it'll all be for not. I've told her a bajillion times I'll change, I'll be more considerate of her feelings, I love her. But, what I haven't done is show her. So here I am...trying my hardest to show...

Well, I'll be out of pocket this weekend. But, I will sign back on Sunday night. Please leave any thoughts/advice/criticisms and I will read them then. I need to try my hardest to push this to the background this weekend. This weekend is about the kids at church and nothing to do with me and my problems.

Hope ya'll have a good weekend.

Collin