Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Thanks Sotto for the words I needed to hear. As usual.

I am trying to tell myself: What has she "won?" I know it has come up here before. Clearly she has won 'the short, chubby, depressed man" and I'll throw in drunk, lying, cheating bastard for free. Oh wait-- he doesn't consider it cheating, because he had already told me he was leaving back in November. I guess all those times he said he was NOT leaving and not ready to give up on us don't count. My bad! Yup, he wants to be the good guy in all this.

My H says similar things Sotto -- he's doing me a favor, and someday I'll thank him, that I'll find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. Brings up the past waayyy too much. I have agreed that the past M was not good, and took responsibility for my side of the road. But it had its moments. And I really thought we were making progress. Again, my bad.

He did bring that up yesterday-- why I am so hooked on that 45 days of reconciliation? I said I guess you gave me false hope, but it sure seemed like we were making progress. He said he was confused. This is where I agreed.

Another thing that keeps getting thrown in my face is my EA from almost 10 years ago. Its not a thing that comes up often, only when he likes to use it as a weapon. I don't even think I knew what an EA was back then. I will not excuse it because it was wrong and I hurt him. Our M was in a pretty bad place, he was being verbally abusive, he was very depressed. I still made the choice. I have apologized, and said I never wanted it to go physical and I didn't want to leave him, I just wanted things to be better between us. In retrospect, I don't think we fully resolved it back then. Clearly.

June is when he can actually leave. We cannot afford two households right now, and he gets a bonus in June to pay off some debt etc, to make that happen. Plus we are hoping our house will be sold by then.

Things feel like they are going from bad to worse. I have decided that I need to call a doctor tho about my sleeping, or lack of, actually. And I have an appt Wed to see an IC.

The rational part of my brain knows this A has not a snowballs chance, so let it go and die a natural death. The other part keeps telling that rational part tho--" who are you kidding Melweb? There is nothing for him here. Clearly he has moved on."