WAS or what (6)

[Vanilla]

That's action change and shift.

Post later, emergency arisen at new office.

V

[mutatio]

Roiste, I want to take a moment and thank you for the kindness you have offered me these recent months. It means a lot to me. I have grown to rely on your counsel.

You are a good man, doing the right thing for your family. This is not a good bye. It is an acknowledgement of fine man you have become. Be well

[Zephyr]

Hey buddy, thinking of you this AM.

It was supposed to 9 snow in chicago when i left, so am really appreciating the warmer weather here...will be dedicating raising a glass to you today!

I really have been excited for you reading what you have been posting for your evolved approach lately.

While i agree that a solution based strategy to really get you moving forward is great, at some point you will have to look at the past and make sure you are not burying something that could be holding you back from the true awesomeness that you were meant to be.

It doesnt have to be today or tomorow, but someday. For now, keep up with what youre doing, this fundamental shift in your mental attitude is marvelous!

Cheers!

[roist]

Mut',

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad my words could offer something to you.

Z,
Enjoy that sunshine and that beer. Slainte! If I need to look back to move forward I'll do just that.

V, take your time.
Put out your own fires, i'll be here when you have furthe? Thoughts to share.

I'll give a fuller update soon.

[roist]

For some time now I have been wanting to sit down and really review my situation. The positives the negatives. The changes, the still the same. But I don't seem to allow myself the time to do so. Some days I don't see the point, others I think it could depress me and then there are days I want to but I don't have the time. Somehow I thought it was important to do but maybe subconsciously I don't. Strange. I'll have to explore that reasoning deeper. I am getting interested in such thought patterns, a sign I am expanding my thinking.

I am on this site a year next week. I'm working on saving my M over a year & a half. We have not been right (& sexless) for over three years. I came here after viewing Michelle's video on the WAW.

Sometimes I think there is progress albeit superficial. At times my W seems more sharing of her thoughts, seems less distant, is more open, body language less closed off. There are lots of little signs. BUT equally present are the negative signs.

I don't think she is any closer to either leaving or improving us. She is lost and her outlook on almost everything is down.LLast night I had the certitude that this is mlc. Certitude may not be the right word, as it was more a feeling than a thought. This is probably true and it scared my to think how much longer it could go on for.

The only thing that I am sure of is that this is going to last a while yet. Without this site and my cyber friends here I would have given up a long time ago. So thank ye all.

I do wonder though if my giving up is really what could turn this around. It was exactly that that helped me overcome depression and start wanting to work on my M. So I know it works. Unfortunately W wasn't DBing me!

One day it may come to that. And after that LRT. But for now there is loads of other stuff for me to do. Today I reread my threads to review the good advice I have gotten and to review my objectives. I have come a long way but I am not yet the man I want to be. I have work to do.

Recently I have done a lot of research into CBT, positive thinking, realistic thinking as well as gratitude. Powerful stuff.

Sometimes I feel I am only distracting myself by filling my head with such stuff. But I hope that this will help me going forward and the bonus is that I am not dwelling on worse stuff.

[roist]

Back to gratitude. For those of you looking to self improve it is worth some research time. I avoid doing a gratitude journal but that is a personal choice.

Each night laying in bed with W, I list in my head all the positive interactions,signs and just good points about her/us. Some days are easier than others! The theory is that by focusing on gratitude/positive points, the subconscious mind will automatically search for more. With the unconscious mind we will see stuff that otherwise we would miss. But basically you should focus on what you have and not what you are missing.

Another similar concept that helps is to focus on what you want rather than on what you don't want. Again it is because the unconscious mind will seek out whatever you focus on. So work towards a better M/R rather than on away from a bad one.

I find the next generation my sons included not v grateful or appreciative for what they have. So most nights I ask my sons to tell me three things that they liked about their day.

Another idea I like is to carry a stone in your pocket and every time you see/feel it, stop to think of something you are grateful for.

OK that is the end of my lesson for today. Have a good weekend

[Zephyr]

Each night laying in bed with W, I list in my head all the positive interactions,signs and just good points about her/us. Some days are easier than others! The theory is that by focusing on gratitude/positive points, the subconscious mind will automatically search for more.

Another similar concept that helps is to focus on what you want rather than on what you don't want. Again it is because the unconscious mind will seek out whatever you focus on. So work towards a better M/R rather than on away from a bad one.

Maybe you can take this a bit farther and actually 'out loud' thank your wife for some of these things or tell her about your being grateful.


I find the next generation my sons included not v grateful or appreciative for what they have. So most nights I ask my sons to tell me three things that they liked about their day.


This is awesome! I do some thing similar. Often talk about gratitude with them, but also victories, things they are proud of that they have done...i dont even care if it is 'i turned in my homework on time'...just something that will evoke a sense of self-worth wothin themselves...i i want to keep them moving towards a mindset that they are a source of pride for themselves and then we as parents can keep encouraging.

I read something some time ago, that for kids our age it takes 10 or so positive comments to overcome a negative one...it is sad commentary, but ive seen it dirst hand what it will do to a childs self-estee

Th is is all very exciting to read, yay!!!! Keep us posted.

[roist]

I do express appreciation and thanks to W every day. Sometimes it us a simple thank you. Other times it is more of a statement. But it is never about getting a desired response. Always just to express gratitude appreciation. I do this for me, but I seem to receive more thanks than before too!

Maybe there is truth in the saying" be the change you want to see".

As for my night time list. It is personal and I try to think of every little thing. Some are patethic or would be if expressed. Tiny insignificant stuff but stuff many here don't have. So I appreciate what I have.

I only started with the boys a few weeks ago. But they look forward to it. I will develop this with time. I have a lot to do to become the dad I want to be but I am getting there. But whatever happens, the positive changes I make for me I intend to pass on to them. As well as certain beliefs and attitudes. I will not force this onto them but I hope to guide them to being fuller men and equip the best I can.

Thank you for your continued encouragement.

[mutatio]

Thank you Roiste for sharing the techniques you use to evolve your thinking. I find it very interesting. Your sharing with your boys is a great idea. At the very least it brings you closer. Sharing thoughts and feelings will dismantle any emotional barriers between you. This last year I have done a lot of dismantling on the barriers my son erected between us. I used to be hard on him and expected performance that was unrealistic for his age and nature. I changed my expectations, accepted him as he is and now have a better relationship with him then I ever have had. I want to try your technique of a dialog with your kids and share three things that they liked about their day. I may try this at dinner with my daughter and son.

Roiste, this is so very simple yet utterly brilliant, " be the change you want to see", be well dear friend

[roist]

Mu'

Unrealistic expectations that we place on others and on ourselves or we accept from others can only lead to frustration, resentment or worse. It is good you saw that and removed them.

Thank you for your interest in my journey.

Your kids are older than mine so you can probably bring it a step further. Let me know how it pans out. Just be aware this is also a slow process that requires lots of repetition before it has a lasting affect on thinking.
But patience is not a problem for you