Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Julie, I think I just recently got the point where I no longer wish it could be my husband. That is a freeing feeling. However, as detached as I am from him right now, I still find myself feeling protective of him. There were many times i was tempted to give him the heads up about what was about to go down--I have no idea if it was his L's fault or his for what has happened these past few months--perhaps both, the L took the fall today.

I don't know if this feeling is guilt because the wife in me wanted to help him avoid the heat of today. But that is completely irrational. I am not responsible for the choices he and his L has made that got them into trouble. What he did to me was deliberate, mean, and manipulative. Not only would he not have given me the heads up if the situation was reversed, he would have went out of his way to make it worse for me. So why do I feel this? I did nothing wrong or unfair. And when push came to shove my L and I were willing to work things out with them so it wouldn't be as bad, but the judge wouldn't allow it.

Maybe it is fear, because when he is cut down he gets nasty and my habit has become trying to keep him boosted up to avoid the discomfort of his moods. Luckily today he just avoided eye contact and did not provoke. I was careful to come across light and subdued. Nothing that can be misconstrued as empowered and I didn't even let on that I knew what happened. I am going as gray rock as possible. Yesterday I let some frustration show with an unrelated issue and he attacked.

After months of him being super polite--but that was because I was "behaving" and playing by his rules. Yesterday I stood up for my self a tiny bit, and it set him off. I want to get to the point where he cannot effect me at all. No more guilt or fear or self-doubt. The love is definitely gone, but the unhealthy emotions can still be stirred in me. I just keep turning to God. Trusting that it is in his hands and not trying to control things. Because how can I feel guilty about something I left in God's hands? God is coming through for me, and I feel guilty about it. How can that be? I think a whole new can of worms has just opened up for me and my IC to discuss.