Ups and downs (II)

[JujuB]

JujuB,

I'm looking at what you just wrote and it's how I was with my H to the T. Like my IC said we only did what we thought was correct at the time with the information given to us. We are only human being. We have our own flaws and I also realise that our H too.

You are a lovely, caring, strong person and true what is happening (censored),but really look back and where you really happy?

I wasn't as I was constantly walking on egg shelves, we weren't communicating, and he wouldn't want to tell me about his day nor asked about mine. So was it a life for us?

I miss him but I only miss the man he was and I'm afraid he is gone. I miss having someone else present in the evening, someone to text during the day. What I have to realise is that yes I have my share in the marriage break up but I was too unhappy but never contemplated cheating on him. He did it and for me it shows that he is the one with issues.

In a way I wish I was like you as you are surrounded by your family, mine is far away and I'm on my own. Even if it isn't easy, cheerish them with all your heart.

What are your plans for today? How is the weather like?

Rouky thanks for this post! I get really depressed about living with my parents. They drive me crazy (just as I am sure we do them) and the house is chaotic and disorganized. But you are right. I am really lucky. They are BIG help to me. My kids adore them. I am never lonely. I really don't struggle.

[JksD]

Hi JJB,
just dropping in to see how things are with you.

[JujuB]

Hey JKsD


Still filled with consuming husband thoughts. Not good, I know. Especially since there is no real reason for them. Husband grows more distant from me (if that was even possible). Except of course for the other week when husband called and initiated asking me about my life, only to tell me he wants to write kids off as dependents since he is in higher bracket.


I felt like saying "my parents want to write you off, since you lived in their home for a year and hoarded your 3 figure income during that time only to leave us without paying child support till I took you to court. In which case you only paid 2 months for 2015." I kept my mouth shut though.

I don't understand the nerve of him to even ask. But I guess if I am only going to receive back a little, we could come to an agreement. Taxes still not done so I'm not even sure. So maybe I'm just being petty. I was annoyed that he contacts only when he needs something Though. Actually I was really hurt the other week and it sent me down.

I realize that the only reason he has not filed is because he does not want to deal with legal fees, and possibly having to pay more.

I had hope for a while, but none left.

I think I need to do good in order to feel good and I am not being as productive as I should. Also, no real fun socialization so that's a problem.

[TimR]

JujuB, I feel your pain. What can you do when they are so self absorbed. I also understand how with every new hurt how it is easier to just let that rope slide through your hand until you are not holding it anymore. Unfortunately, it is still such a painful process.

BTW, I do not think you are being petty. If he hid income and failed to financially provide for his children, how is it that you wanting everything you can get from your taxes petty. I really isn't. Also IMO I don't find it petty to call him out on his self centered behavior. We are all a bit to nice to our WS and they continue to take advantage because they know they can. My WW knows exactly where to hit me... the kids. Since, my jogging friend showed up at an event, I have heard that she made a comment that she will not allow me to see S13 if I don't get my sh!t together. Keep in mind WW's OM2 was present. Moreover, she had already told me she was filing. Yet, every time WW is not happy she threatens withholding S13.

Well anyway, I am hoping things get better for you... I am sure we all are!

[Painter]

Juju,

Good for you for *not* saying what you were thinking! You averted an argument and showed great self-restraint. Your thoughts were natural.

Another thing you could have said but didn't was, 'You could use your half of the tax return to pay me for the child support you didn't pay for the time before we went to court.'

Are you filing joint? You should probably check with your L or CPA what should happen here.

I hope you find something that will help distract you! Have you checked out Meetup? Are there any physical activities you can pursue?

[JujuB]

Painter,

This is something I have become really good at. I do not make any passive aggressive comments anymore. I have not for a long time. I have just basically listened during our interactions and I do not argue. I know that if I do so, it will give him ammunition. It will proove him right. It will make it easy for him.

OK. It is Definatly that time of month. Earlier today I was depressed and angry and right now for first time in a long time, I missed husband and wanted to call him to talk to him and I remembered what it felt like to joke around with him and missed that. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Or perhaps just in a few of my dreams.

We are not filing joint.

[JujuB]

Tim

He feels he is so justified that I often question myself. I feel like I am constantly saying "am I wrong?" Or "am I being unfair? " I try so hard to understand his perspective and then I doubt myself. I think I feel guilty because I feel bad about my imperfections and what I brought to our relationship... Being lazy about housework, not meeting his needs, complaining, being needy and negative. I can rationalize that it takes two, and he is the one that left, but still.

I think to blackmail you with the kids is horrific. I am sorry you have to go through that. They have to rely on their anger to justify what they are doing and that anger helps them to dehumanize and villify us.

Sometimes I wonder if I am villifying husband as well and not presenting facts accurately but only as I see them because I too am so angry and because I do not always feel the same way from day to day hour to hour.

[TimR]

JujuB, I was right were you are. Doubting everything I did and blaming myself for WW's actions. The first time I went in to see my IC I had a typed list of all my faults as a man and a H. It was three pages long! Most of it was what she told me and the rest is what I conjured up. I read everyone off to the counselor and explained them. He tried to interrupt me a few times but I felt so incredibly guilty I kept going. After I finished, he said one sentence, "I doubt you were that bad of a H, after all you are the one fighting to save the M." Through all the shame and guilt that sentence stuck with me.

Later on through books and this forum as well as IC, I went back and reviewed my list. I found as I progressed many of the faults she pointed out to me were actually her faults she was transposing on to me. I started crossing the ones off I knew were not true. The ones that were left made for a much shorter list:

1. Failed to show affection
2. Failed to open up
3. Failed to help around the house/lazy
4. Put the kids and mainly S13 before her
5. Failed to communicate how I felt about her
6. Put the entire family before myself (is this a fault?)

That's it that is my list.

V really helped me with the 1, 2, and 5 with an exercise of writing a letter to my grandfather and father. However, those are still a work in progress. As I have a new relationship slowly budding, I am increasingly open with her and communicate exactly what I am feeling. While it really is not a show of affection, I do not recoil when I come into contact with her. I used to do that a lot when I came into incidental physical contact with people. With my Ss I also show affection. I text S13 every night goodnight and that I love him. I express to S16 just because I am not there all the time, I will always be there for him and encourage him to call if he ever needs anything.

Number 3 was cured with me getting off my as$ and doing stuff around the house. In fact my understanding is that the boys after they came down for Easter made comments to W and MIL about how clean the house was, that really p!ssed them off. My house is not perfect it but it is somewhat tiddy.

As far as the other two, well to me that is what a parent and H does. He is supposed to put the kids and W before himself, just as the W is supposed to put the kids and H before herself. If that truly bothered my WW that is her problem, imagine a mother being jealous of her own kids. That is something she needs to workout for herself.

Well anyway my long way of making a point, is that you should not let your H control your thought process. Discover for yourself, through self reflection what your faults are. WS's will say anything to justify their own poor behavior.

I wish you well JujuB and hope in your search of yourself you find the strength that we all possess and realize your great worth.

[JujuB]

Thanks Tim. I am back and forth with the guilt. I don't know if my issues were reactions to husband or my own. Probably a mixture of both.

My husband's major complaints about me:

1. Always negative. (Am working on this)
2. My anxiety.
3. Being verbally abusive. He would tell me that my words were cruel and I would respond that his actions were crueler. I Would make very passive aggressive comments when I felt frusturated, invalidated, and hurt. I have made a 180 regarding this.
4. I did nothing for him...taking care of kids was not for him. (I disagree with this and feel that he does not know how much of a job it is to be responsible for young one)
5. I didn't go back to work full time.

[Zues126]

Hey J. Glad you're posting regularly. Really glad.

You know that #4 reminds me of both what my DB coach told me and what I went through. I felt the way your WAH did. Kids were #1, I wasn't on the list. I'm sure XW felt she did it all for me, and maybe that's how she viewed it, but that's not how I felt it.

My DB Coach told me the same thing about working full time. She said that guys that worked a lot of hours and paid all the bills felt that they did 'their part' in the relationship. But that it wasn't really doing things for their wife. She challenges them by asking "If you weren't married anymore, would you stop working?" Since the answer was no she claimed it didn't really count the way we think it does. She told me the same was true for stay at home moms. If they weren't M, would they stop taking care of the kids? Of course not. It's for the family, it's contributing, but it's not for your partner the same way.

Just trying to help bridge the gap. It's not always about effort. Little things that are missing can be big things, and big things aren't enough without the little things too. This is coming from a guy that pretty much thought working hard was doing my part.